More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
George Wallace
Army.ca Dinosaur
- Reaction score
- 208
- Points
- 710
Unfortunately he can not, as an Australian, run for the US Presidency:
https://www.facebook.com/uniladmag/videos/2281753568514356/
https://www.facebook.com/uniladmag/videos/2281753568514356/
George Wallace
Army.ca Dinosaur
- Reaction score
- 208
- Points
- 710
For all you Down Homers', and Garmin users, Garmin has added "Raymond the “New Brunswick man”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZHEwyZUrFU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZHEwyZUrFU
- Reaction score
- 35
- Points
- 560
Understanding
During a lull between the speeches at a recent Parliament Hill
Correspondent's dinner, Sophie Grégoire-Trudeau leans over to chat with Harjit Sajjan,
Minister of Defence.
"Ya know, I bought Justin a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so
smart, Justin has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred
words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," says Harjit, "but, you do realize that
he just speaks the words -- he doesn't really understand what they
mean."
"Oh, I know," Sophie replies, "Neither does the parrot."
During a lull between the speeches at a recent Parliament Hill
Correspondent's dinner, Sophie Grégoire-Trudeau leans over to chat with Harjit Sajjan,
Minister of Defence.
"Ya know, I bought Justin a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so
smart, Justin has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred
words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," says Harjit, "but, you do realize that
he just speaks the words -- he doesn't really understand what they
mean."
"Oh, I know," Sophie replies, "Neither does the parrot."
- Reaction score
- 2,889
- Points
- 940
This appeals to my twisted sense of humour. ;D
- Reaction score
- 1,528
- Points
- 1,160
If Mulcair ruffled Trudeau's hair he would have been punched!
http://www.snopes.com/justin-trudeau-kiss-thomas-mulcair/
Kiss and Made Up
Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau and opposition leader Thomas Mulcair kissing to denounce the Orlando nightclub mass shooting.
On 15 June 2016, the web site em>World News Daily Report published a fabricated image of Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau and opposition leader Thomas Mulcair kissing to accompany an article stating that the tender moment was intended to show support for the victims of a mass shooting at a gay nightclub in Orlando.
The two politicians, known for their dislike of each other, gathered for the first time in a joint press conference, yesterday. They completely surprised the media and the world, by kissing languidly for several seconds, to fight homophobic prejudices and denounce the recent violence against the LGBT community.
However, the article (and its accompanying photograph) was just another piece of clickbait fiction from World News Daily Report, a fake news site whose disclaimer notes that:
WNDR assumes however all responsibility for the satirical nature of its articles and for the fictional nature of their content. All characters appearing in the articles in this website — even those based on real people — are entirely fictional and any resemblance between them and any persons, living, dead, or undead is purely a miracle.
http://www.snopes.com/justin-trudeau-kiss-thomas-mulcair/
Kiss and Made Up
Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau and opposition leader Thomas Mulcair kissing to denounce the Orlando nightclub mass shooting.
On 15 June 2016, the web site em>World News Daily Report published a fabricated image of Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau and opposition leader Thomas Mulcair kissing to accompany an article stating that the tender moment was intended to show support for the victims of a mass shooting at a gay nightclub in Orlando.
The two politicians, known for their dislike of each other, gathered for the first time in a joint press conference, yesterday. They completely surprised the media and the world, by kissing languidly for several seconds, to fight homophobic prejudices and denounce the recent violence against the LGBT community.
However, the article (and its accompanying photograph) was just another piece of clickbait fiction from World News Daily Report, a fake news site whose disclaimer notes that:
WNDR assumes however all responsibility for the satirical nature of its articles and for the fictional nature of their content. All characters appearing in the articles in this website — even those based on real people — are entirely fictional and any resemblance between them and any persons, living, dead, or undead is purely a miracle.
Attachments
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
BOX UNDER THE BED
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 35th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.30 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill for all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.
Hillary was shocked that he let it out so easy, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I've been deeply disappointed and saddened by your past behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess just those 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Bill thanked her for being so understanding.
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 35th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.30 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill for all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.
Hillary was shocked that he let it out so easy, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I've been deeply disappointed and saddened by your past behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess just those 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Bill thanked her for being so understanding.
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot - For Sale
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot - For Sale
- Reaction score
- 6,352
- Points
- 1,160
- Reaction score
- 6,352
- Points
- 1,160
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
My Favourite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny; but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what live animal was my favourite.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why; so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the fu*k I am now...
Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny; but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what live animal was my favourite.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why; so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the fu*k I am now...
- Reaction score
- 19,980
- Points
- 1,280
io9 has a bunch of Star Trek 50th Anniversary articles, but the art one is the best.
http://io9.gizmodo.com/heres-just-a-bunch-of-awesome-star-trek-art-1786344505
The "Things Bones McCoy is Not, Ranked" article is pretty good too.
http://io9.gizmodo.com/things-bones-mccoy-is-not-ranked-1783989760
http://io9.gizmodo.com/heres-just-a-bunch-of-awesome-star-trek-art-1786344505
The "Things Bones McCoy is Not, Ranked" article is pretty good too.
http://io9.gizmodo.com/things-bones-mccoy-is-not-ranked-1783989760
Attachments
- Reaction score
- 4,622
- Points
- 1,260
George Wallace
Army.ca Dinosaur
- Reaction score
- 208
- Points
- 710
From the Beaverton:
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2016/09/prince-george-trudeau-prick-needed-get-knocked-peg-two/
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2016/09/prince-george-trudeau-prick-needed-get-knocked-peg-two/
George Wallace
Army.ca Dinosaur
- Reaction score
- 208
- Points
- 710
Perhaps I should have put this in the "Mega Tattoos" thread, but here will do.
George Wallace
Army.ca Dinosaur
- Reaction score
- 208
- Points
- 710
AH ha! Found him.
The bane of many a soldier's existance.
The bane of many a soldier's existance.
Similar threads
