More and more funnies.. vol: something...

[cupper]

:nod:

 

[dimsum]

Melbourne Cup, "the race that stops the nation" or, more correctly, where people get dressed up and get hilariously smashed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMQwlLNAzlr/

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3893582/Is-rowdiest-Melbourne-Cup-day-Nine-arrested-78-kicked-five-taken-hospital-punters-wake-one-massive-hangover.html

 

[Journeyman]

 

[OldSolduer]

Sage advice.

 

[expwor]

Age Old Question Answered


Went out last night to a Halloween Party dressed as a chicken and met a stunning girl dressed as an egg.
The evening went very well and a lifelong question was answered.


It was the chicken.

 

[cupper]

[lol:

 

[expwor]

Better Than The Flu Shot

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her

Sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

Sitting room.

She invited him to have a

Seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young

Minister noticed a cut glass

bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

And in the water floated of all

things, a condom!

When she returned

with tea and scones, they

began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

about the bowl of water and its

strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it

wonderful? I was walking

through the park a few

months ago and I found

this little package on the

ground.

The directions said

to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.



If you don't send

This

To five GOOD

Friends

Right away

There will be

Five fewer people

Smiling in the

World.

 

[George Wallace]

Just ran across this:

ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM TRUMP ACCEPTANCE RESISTANCE DISORDER (TARD)?

Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder is a pattern of pathologically dissociative and psychotic behavior, first observed in the late hours of November 8th 2016, and increasing in severity with passing time. Sufferers of Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder often exhibit pronounced cognitive dissonance, sudden bouts of rage, uncontrollable crying, suicidal ideation, and extreme sadness.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS:

People with Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder are characterized by a persistent unwillingness to accept that Donald Trump is going to Make America Great Again.

Individual sufferers often display signs of paranoia and delusion; in acute cases psychotic episodes have been observed. Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder is different from being upset about the results of the 2016 presidential election; People with TARD are unwilling or unable to accept reality, despite irrefutable evidence.

According to the DSM-V, individuals with TARD exhibit most or all of the following symptoms:

- Telling others they are moving to Canada

- Fixated on fantasies about the Electoral College

- Protesting an election no credible source contests the outcome of

- Exclamations that “Someone” should do “Something”

- Acute change in demeanor from pompous and arrogant to fearful and combative

- Claim that anyone who disagrees with them is some combination of Racist, Sexist, Bigoted, Homophobic, and actually some sort of Hitler persona.

CAUSES AND MECHANISMS:

Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder was directly caused by the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States of America. For many, both in America and worldwide, this was a shocking and unexpected outcome; their preferred news sources having failed to inform them that the alternative candidate was a criminal parasite in such ill health she got chucked into the back of a van like a kidnap victim.

Research is ongoing, but TARD appears to correlate closely with the following environmental and behavioral factors:

- Membership in the Democratic party

- Identifying as a Feminist

- Currently enrolled in college, and/or

- Possession of a Liberal Arts college degree - Cuckoldry

- Living in a densely populated metropolitan area

- Massive student debt

- Spotty or non-existent work history

- Hipsterism

DIAGNOSIS:

Diagnosis of Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder is straightforward. Ask the patient if Donald Trump is going to be the Next President of the United States of America. Some patients will become agitated, and may attempt to deflect. It’s critical you press them on the issue, even if they start babbling about ‘muh triggers’. A sufferer of TARD will begin to ramble incoherently, often displaying three or more of the symptoms within a short period of time.

TREATMENT:

The only known effective treatment is exposure therapy. The patient must be repeatedly exposed to reality, and should wear a Make America Great Again hat as long as they are able to tolerate it.

Each exposure should increase in length, after a week the patient should be encouraged to be seen in public wearing the MAGA hat. Coach the patient to refer to Donald Trump as President-Elect Trump.

Patients with TARD are very resistant to treatment, and dangerous in large groups. Any possibility of treatment requires that they be separated from their hive-mind support apparatus; they cannot begin the process of accepting reality in the presence of encouragement towards delusion and irrationality. Separation may require the assistance of law enforcement.

If you have a friend or loved one suffering from TARD, urge them to seek treatment. Together we can beat this scourge, and Make America Great Again!

This article (Are You Suffering From Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder (TARD)?) is free and open source. You have permission to republish this article under a Creative Commons license with full attribution and a link to the original source on Disclose.tv

READ MORE: http://www.disclose.tv/news/are_you_suffering_from_trump_acceptance_resistance_disorder_tard/136500

 

[George Wallace]

Probably better than the Original:

Marvel's - REDNECK AVENGERS A TULSA NIGHTS

 

[mariomike]

It's funny cuz it's true. 

If you're a convicted felon FDNY will hire you as a Firefighter.
Just get a "Good Boy" letter.
http://www.nyc.gov/html/fdny/pdf/job_opps/2012-ff-list/cid_guidelines_disabilities_good_conduct.pdf …

 

[dimsum]

The Nativity scene, hipster-ified.

https://modernnativity.com/products/modern-nativity-set

 

[George Wallace]

 

[George Wallace]

And now for something completely different:

 

[George Wallace]

Reproduced under the Access to Information Act of 1776:

Covert CIA plot to wait until Fidel Castro dies of old age successful
The Beaverton
22 HOURS AGO by NED PETRIE

Langley, VA – A decades-long plot to get Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to pass away peacefully in his sleep has come to fruition, according to a statement from the CIA.

“We are proud to announce that our 53 years of patience have finally paid off,” said CIA spokesperson Ryan Trimarchi. “It seems silly in retrospect, but when President Kennedy first approved the plan there were many detractors who said it would fail.”

First hatched in 1963, so-called “Operation Sit-Back-And-Let-It-Happen” was one of many CIA plots intended to end the life of the Communist revolutionary and the only one to succeed. The mission’s completion was formally declared after Cuban State television announced Castro’s death at the age of 90.

“It’s just a shame that JFK didn’t live to see it,” Trimarchi added. “Or Johnson. Or Nixon. Ditto Gerald Ford and Ronald Reagan. They all would’ve been real proud.”

The CIA’s announcement has been met with praise by Cuban-Americans, including policy advocate Mauricio Diaz.

“I give the CIA a lot of credit for being willing to play the long game in bringing down this oppressive dictator,” said the lobbyist and director of the Cuban Liberty PAC. “Until now no one in Cuba realized that ‘failures’ like the Bay of Pigs and all those assassination attempts were just a great cover for this master plan.”

“Now all we need to do is wait 5 or 6 years for Raul to have an aneurysm and we can finally bring Democracy to the Cuban people,” added Diaz.

The top secret plot is considered the longest continuous operation in CIA history. When the Cuban President outlived the operation’s initial target date of 2003, George W. Bush approved an additional 15 years of funding to send agents to hang around Havana. When Castro’s health led him to abdicate power in 2008, the CIA focused their efforts on deploying SR-71 Blackbirds daily to take pictures and confirm whether he was “still moving”.

“Some felt the program was wasteful, but there’s no denying it didn’t work,” said Trimarchi.

“And now, thanks to these efforts, Fidel Castro is no longer a threat to our democracy,” he concluded.

 

[expwor]

Apartment For Rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.  They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he didn't have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment *'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'*



On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.  So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:



'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.



However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large.'



Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:



'Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please, do not blame the management.



So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

 

[George Wallace]

Why FONTS matter:

 

[The Bread Guy]

:nod:

 

[Fishbone Jones]

:nod:

Hey, I know where that came from. [

 

[cupper]

The alt-right white nationalist supremacists need to raise their standards for membership.

:facepalm:

A white supremacist is getting dragged on social media after suggesting there needs to be a “WAACP.”
Preston Wiginton, a member of the so-called “alt-right,” recently defended his decision to invite white nationalist leader of the “alt-right” movement Richard Spencer to speak at Texas A&M University in December.
Speaking to the university’s newspaper “The Battalion,” Wiginton pulled the “reverse racism” card, saying, “If we look at the NAACP, black people have the right to have that. Why can’t white people have a WAACP?”
So, NAACP stands for “National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.”
But Wiginton seems to think the “N” in NAACP stands for “Negro.” One can only imagine what he thinks the “AACP” stands for. A “White Association for the Advancement of Colored People” would actually  be a pretty good idea, though.

 

[the 48th regulator]