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More and more funnies.. vol: something...

Karma gets them sooner or later!  ;D

Reuters

Ceiling collapse exposes Chinese panty thief

Reuters – 21 hours ago

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese man who stole hundreds of pieces of ladies' underwear had his secret exposed after an emergency exit ceiling where he had been storing his hoard collapsed, state media reported.

The man, surnamed Tang and in his 30s, admitted to having mental problems since he was young and that he did not know how long he had been obsessed with women's undergarments, reports said.

Police in the city of Yulin said they found more than 2,000 pieces of panties and bras in the roof where he had stuffed his collection.


Residents in the housing complex where Tang lived had complained about the mysterious vanishing of their undergarments.
(...SNIPPED)
 
Navy Cook

The Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief Cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
 
A call in show
The caller is from Saskatchewan
Sorry to those offended by some four letter words LOL

Tom

http://thumbnails.cbc.ca/maven_legacy/thumbnails/440/56/sk-wx-rage.mp3__214745.mp3

 
Brian Williams A History Of Mis-Rememories LOL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AaioFM6Nu8

Tom
 
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
 
The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said,
'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.' 

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or
Unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said,
'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.' 

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. 

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased. 

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become
Filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
Limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. 

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were
Not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.. 

And Dog was happy. 

And Cat . . .



Didn't give a shit one way or the other.
 
A post on http://drgrumpyinthehouse.blogspot.ca/

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

I think these newfangled SMART Boards the school has are great. So much neater and easier then the black boards and clouds from screeching chalk when I was a kid. It's nice for a teacher to be able to work on something at the computer and have it right up in front of the class as she talks. It's also great that there's a free app to let them control the board with their iPhone (provided the Bluetooth works properly).

But obviously, these have their limitations, as Ms. Steele and her social studies class learned last week.

Apparently, while the kids were supposed to be working on papers, an enterprising young fellow named Albert used the app on his iPhone to take control of the class board. It was turned off, but he switched it on.

As we all know now, the default setting is to show whatever happens to be on the teacher's desktop screen. Normally, this wouldn't have been a big deal, except Ms. Steele was actively exchanging steamy emails with her boyfriend about their Valentine's Day plans.

Her class was controlled enough to not break out giggling when this started, leading other students to join in the fun. Specifically Nathan, who saw she was using her official school email account.

So he used his phone to google up some pictures of couples in compromising BDSM activities and sent them to her, resulting in them showing up on the SMART Board within a few seconds.

When Ms. Steele gasped (you'd think she'd never seen such things before), then realized what was happening on the screen behind her, she was obviously shocked. She jumped up and started to yell, but apparently stopped when she hit her head on the shelf behind her. Then fell back onto the desk. Which is how I ended up involved.

Ms. Steele required 7 stitches at local ER. From her emails, it wouldn't surprise me if she was back there over the weekend for other issues.

Nathan and Albert have each been suspended for a few days.

A district memo was sent out asking teachers to not use their work emails to plan "50 Shades of Buck Naked" escapades. More importantly, it STRONGLY reminded staff not to use the default "1111" password for SMART Board Bluetooth remotes.

I think there's a lesson somewhere in all of that for each of us.
 
And this month's nominee for best line in a news story ....
The trial of a 25-year-old woman accused of committing an indecent act on a Toronto-to-Halifax flight has been delayed because her lawyer is ill.

Alicia Elizabeth Lander has pleaded not guilty to committing an indecent act, assaulting a police officer, committing an act of mischief and causing a disturbance at Halifax Stanfield International Airport on Jan. 24, 2014.

(....)

Last month, the provincial court in Dartmouth heard testimony from Air Canada service director John Dunn, who said about an hour into the flight a passenger told him two people were about to join the "Mile High Club."

Dunn testified that when he approached Lander and the man sitting next to her, he noticed a jacket was covering their laps, but he said he could tell what was happening underneath.

Jason George Chase had pleaded not guilty to committing an indecent act, but he later changed his plea to guilty and waived his right to a trial.

Chase's lawyer says he will seek a conditional discharge and his case has been adjourned until March 27.
:rofl:
 
1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.)

Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam there are Councillors available to assist you adjust back into the real world.

6. Teaching Math In 2050


هاتشيروتبيعكارلوادمننهاب 100 دولار.  تكلفةالإنتاجهو 80 دولاراً.كيفالكثيرمنالمالو












 
Rifleman62 said:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.)

Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam there are Councillors available to assist you adjust back into the real world.

6. Teaching Math In 2050


هاتشيروتبيعكارلوادمننهاب 100 دولار.  تكلفةالإنتاجهو 80 دولاراً.كيفالكثيرمنالمالو

;D Priceless
 
http://nextbigfuture.com/2015/03/five-dollar-spock-and-five-dollar-bill.html

Five Dollar Spock and Five Dollar Bill Murray
 
I sent the Math joke to one of my daughters, and attached is what she sent back. From someone's Facebook post.

Remarkable!!
 
;D Imagine A-10s sporting NYPD or even RCMP colours.

Source: CalltheCops.net

Police to get A-10s as part of Surplus Program
Follow @Call_TheCops
Posted by: RJ

The US Air Force will be retire the A10 thunderbolt soon. The plane with the nicknames of “Warthog” and “Tank killer” was designed for close air ground support missions. A mission that could be adopted for police use.

Police-A10 General George Hammond says the A10s we will be retrofitted for civilian police use. “We have done a few studies and found these planes will improve American police forces much as helicopters have.”

The planes would be given to police as part of the 1033 program. Much like how MRAP vehicles are being given to police SWAT teams.
A retrofit would include removing the Gatling Gun or rotary cannon, from the nose of the airplane. That weapon would be replaced by a 40mm less lethal launcher.

No police sources will go on record admitting it but there is rumor of new tear gas “bombs” being developed for police use. Using old Mark 81 bomb designs manufactures are looking to create a larger anti riot gas payload delivery system for law enforcement. The theory being that a laser guided bomb could put the gas into the pinpoint center of any civil disturbance.

.
 
What does little miss moffit and Sadam Hussain have in common?










They both had Kurds in their whey..................
 
yoga-joes-green-army-figures-dan-abramson-2-820x510.jpg


Max-Flex

http://art-sheep.com/?p=18227
 
At the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada sent an inspector to audit  the books  of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.  But on he went, in his obnoxious way.  “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive.  "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.  "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.
 
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