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More and more funnies.. vol: something...

NEW POLITICAL DOUBLE SPEAK WORD INTRODUCED INTO ONTARIO VOCABULARY:

Stretch goal

Kathleen Wynne says pledge to cut auto insurance 15 per cent was a ‘stretch goal’
January 18, 2016 5:54 pm
By Allison Jones The Canadian Press

TORONTO – Premier Kathleen Wynne says her government’s target to cut auto insurance rates by 15 per cent by last year was a “stretch goal.”

The Liberals promised to reduce car insurance premiums an average of 15 per cent by August 2015 as part of a deal to get NDP support for the 2013 budget when they were still a minority government.

But August came and went with the government’s target not even halfway met.

What a comedienne.  She should become a cast member of SNL or Second City.      [:D
 
I think not. Their comedy is designed to make the audience laugh, hers just makes me want to cry.
 
Tragic maybe, but definitely begs my opinion of politicians in general.
 
Nelson at Trafalgar in 2016………………Only in the Navy!!!

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy:"Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of  race, gender, sexual
                                        orientation, religious persuasion or disability  - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job
              getting “England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us Splice The Main Brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.    We must advance with all dispatch.
              Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet
regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise
                to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb
              deficiency."
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with 'murder' if they actually kill anyone. There are
              a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, Sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries
                Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that Sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.  Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.
                It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about homosexuality?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case then .... KISS ME HARDY."
 
Didn't make my wife's.  Woweee did her safeties lift, it hit all her nerves and them some.  I am sure her monitor is covered in venom...
 
Here it is the year of the Monkey, and I'm still writing Goat on all my cheques...
 
LOL!

12697409_10153841856402593_6086476620576421257_o.jpg
 
Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Note to Stumblers:

Some comments criticizing this piece indicate that it was "hijacked" from a West Wing episode. This is a chicken and egg argument in my opinion. I don't really know which came first, and frankly don't care.


 
EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING!

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump..........
 
Great prank.

https://www.facebook.com/315768558595715/videos/509865835852652/
 
The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No" the woman replies. "I'm with Revenue Canada."
 
The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The RCMP then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
 
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband
asks, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?”

“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank God – I thought you were sitting on the cat.”
 
OMG!! I almost sprayed my monitor with coffee! Thank you for that. A good laugh to start my Monday morning.

:rofl:
 
The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown separately around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.” Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.” Upon being told, the President asked, “Same hen every time?” The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
 
It was here..... or a Recruiting thread...

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I chose here, because I'm obviously sensitive to the feelings of others.  :nod:
 
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