- Reaction score
- 1,529
- Points
- 1,160
New written test given with the breathalyzer
More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
- Reaction score
- 35
- Points
- 560
Get more productivity, ensure the staff remain fit and perhaps fit a generator so we can become self sufficient in energy production:
http://www.instructables.com/id/Hamster-Wheel-Standing-Desk/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7FioTdZaEk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITJXPH5FtXU
http://www.instructables.com/id/Hamster-Wheel-Standing-Desk/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7FioTdZaEk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITJXPH5FtXU
George Wallace
Army.ca Dinosaur
- Reaction score
- 208
- Points
- 710
OPPPPPPS!
T72B being transported for repairs.......
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn5xpKgPML0
T72B being transported for repairs.......
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn5xpKgPML0
- Reaction score
- 2,295
- Points
- 1,160
I'm betting at least one of the guys in this picture may be your current commanding officer....given the current criteria for promotions, the absence of facial recognition should not pose a problem...
- Reaction score
- 1,529
- Points
- 1,160
After this:
http://army.ca/forums/threads/116375/post-1330636/topicseen.html#new
Journeyman :
Thought I would post this:
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So he asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. 'Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?'
'Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comic land. Why don't you try her?' replied Batman.
'I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her.'
'Damn shame.' said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a City when he saw the Green Lantern. 'Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You’re a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comic land?'
'Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in comic land, why don't you try her?'
'Well, we're sort of friends,' Superman said, 'but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much.' and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, in the position.
Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, 'I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here.' So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed ___expression. 'What the hell was that??' she exclaimed.
'I don't know,' said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, 'but my *** is killing me.'
http://army.ca/forums/threads/116375/post-1330636/topicseen.html#new
Journeyman :
Thought I would post this:
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So he asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. 'Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?'
'Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comic land. Why don't you try her?' replied Batman.
'I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her.'
'Damn shame.' said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a City when he saw the Green Lantern. 'Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You’re a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comic land?'
'Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in comic land, why don't you try her?'
'Well, we're sort of friends,' Superman said, 'but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much.' and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, in the position.
Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, 'I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here.' So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed ___expression. 'What the hell was that??' she exclaimed.
'I don't know,' said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, 'but my *** is killing me.'
- Reaction score
- 1,529
- Points
- 1,160
One day, long, long ago, there was this fighter pilot who, surprisingly, was not full of shit,
But it was a long time ago.............
And just for one day.
~Anonymous
But it was a long time ago.............
And just for one day.
~Anonymous
- Reaction score
- 1,351
- Points
- 940
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon. Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel it may benefit!
Now, just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot...
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon. Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel it may benefit!
Now, just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot...
211RadOp
Sr. Member
- Reaction score
- 15
- Points
- 230
One day, the head of the AARP approached the leading wind producers in California. Although he was a fan of Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio, with an occasional smattering of Pinot Blanc for good measure, he asked them to produce something special for the older generation of wine drinkers.
The producers put their heads together and finally came up with the perfect wine.
After putting on their new batches, the gentleman from the AARP comes back to try the new vintage. He takes an unlabeled bottle from each producer and heads back to his home to share the bottle with his friends. All of them declare it a resounding success.
The next week he heads back to California to find out what this new wine is. The producers say that they were aware that as people age, they must frequent the toilet more often, especially after a night with a few glasses of wine. After much research they came up with the perfect wine for the older person, Pinot More.
The producers put their heads together and finally came up with the perfect wine.
After putting on their new batches, the gentleman from the AARP comes back to try the new vintage. He takes an unlabeled bottle from each producer and heads back to his home to share the bottle with his friends. All of them declare it a resounding success.
The next week he heads back to California to find out what this new wine is. The producers say that they were aware that as people age, they must frequent the toilet more often, especially after a night with a few glasses of wine. After much research they came up with the perfect wine for the older person, Pinot More.
- Reaction score
- 1,529
- Points
- 1,160
Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:
'You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window.'
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.
The second guy says, 'What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!'
'No, no.. it's true...' said the first man, 'let me prove it to you.'
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man , who is astonished.
'Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must have been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!'
'No, I'll prove it again,' says the first man as he jumps.
Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.
Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try it. 'Well, what the hell,' the second guy says, 'I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!'
He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... . Then his body hits the sidewalk... ..
Splat!!!!!
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says.....
'You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drinking.'
'You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window.'
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.
The second guy says, 'What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!'
'No, no.. it's true...' said the first man, 'let me prove it to you.'
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man , who is astonished.
'Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must have been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!'
'No, I'll prove it again,' says the first man as he jumps.
Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.
Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try it. 'Well, what the hell,' the second guy says, 'I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!'
He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... . Then his body hits the sidewalk... ..
Splat!!!!!
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says.....
'You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drinking.'
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 360
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
I hope they don't get in too much of a flap up there. Shared under the fair dealing provisions.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 360
A meme against jaywalkers:
- Reaction score
- 1,529
- Points
- 1,160
THE BEST GIFT
Written by To The Point News
Friday, 12 September 2014
During the recent cease-fire, the leader of the Palestinian terrorist organization Hamas, Khaled Mashal, sent a gift to the Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, in an elaborate box with a note.
After having the box checked for safety reasons, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu opened the box and saw that the content was human feces.
He opened the note, handwritten in Arabic by Mr. Mashal, which said, "For you and the proud people of the Zionist Entity."
Mr. Netanyahu, literate in Arabic, pondered the note and decided how best to reciprocate.
He quickly did so by sending the Hamas leader a very pretty package with a personal note.
Mr. Mashal and the other leaders of Hamas were very surprised to receive the parcel and opened it very carefully suspecting that it might contain a bomb.
But to their surprise they saw that it contained a tiny computer chip.
The chip was rechargeable with solar energy, had a 1.8 terabyte memory and could output a 3D hologram display capable of functioning in any type of cellular phone, tablet or laptop.
It was one of the world's most advanced technologies, and bore a tiny label, "Invented and produced in Israel."
Mr. Netanyahu's note, personally handwritten in Arabic, Hebrew, French, and English, stated very courteously...
"Every leader gives the best his people can produce."
Written by To The Point News
Friday, 12 September 2014
During the recent cease-fire, the leader of the Palestinian terrorist organization Hamas, Khaled Mashal, sent a gift to the Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, in an elaborate box with a note.
After having the box checked for safety reasons, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu opened the box and saw that the content was human feces.
He opened the note, handwritten in Arabic by Mr. Mashal, which said, "For you and the proud people of the Zionist Entity."
Mr. Netanyahu, literate in Arabic, pondered the note and decided how best to reciprocate.
He quickly did so by sending the Hamas leader a very pretty package with a personal note.
Mr. Mashal and the other leaders of Hamas were very surprised to receive the parcel and opened it very carefully suspecting that it might contain a bomb.
But to their surprise they saw that it contained a tiny computer chip.
The chip was rechargeable with solar energy, had a 1.8 terabyte memory and could output a 3D hologram display capable of functioning in any type of cellular phone, tablet or laptop.
It was one of the world's most advanced technologies, and bore a tiny label, "Invented and produced in Israel."
Mr. Netanyahu's note, personally handwritten in Arabic, Hebrew, French, and English, stated very courteously...
"Every leader gives the best his people can produce."
- Reaction score
- 4
- Points
- 430
Crisis at the U.S. - Canadian Border
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republicans winning the Senate is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republicans winning the Senate is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy
from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests
once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in
the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy
from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests
once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in
the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
- Reaction score
- 1,351
- Points
- 940
Oldies but goodies:
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now !
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now !
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!
Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 10) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the
workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million
(according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes,
presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7
visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household
with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the
sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute
the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been
left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on
to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will
accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not
counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving
at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses
space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional
reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the
sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets
nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is
carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land,
a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal
amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa
would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting
the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times
the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000
tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second
each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the
fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa - as a result of accelerating
from a dead stop to 650 m. p. s. in . 001 seconds - would be subjected to
acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and
reducing him to a quivering puddle of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Merry Christmas!
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 10) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the
workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million
(according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes,
presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7
visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household
with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the
sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute
the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been
left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on
to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will
accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not
counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving
at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses
space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional
reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the
sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets
nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is
carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land,
a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal
amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa
would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting
the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times
the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000
tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second
each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the
fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa - as a result of accelerating
from a dead stop to 650 m. p. s. in . 001 seconds - would be subjected to
acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and
reducing him to a quivering puddle of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Merry Christmas!
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