More and more funnies.. vol: something...

[expwor]

Donald Trump Dies

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.  I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. all he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton , lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
 
  "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[George Wallace]

Coffee Mugs for Christmas:

 

[George Wallace]

Christmas Mugs for non-Millennials:

 

[expwor]

Mommy



The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.






  The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.






  There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.





"Janie, do you have a story to share?"






  'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.






She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.





She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."





''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"





"Don't F**k with Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

[George Wallace]

Questions?

 

[Journeyman]

  :nod:

 

[George Wallace]

 

[George Wallace]

So true......

:rofl:

 

[Journeyman]

Question for those of you who know what you're talking about.

Wow, with one sentence so many regular posters here are eliminated.   

 

[George Wallace]

 

[George Wallace]

 

[expwor]

Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet store looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The store owner suggested a parrot, named Chet,
which could sing famous Christmas songs.





This seemed like the perfect gift.




"How do I get him to sing?"
the young man asked, excitedly.


"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet" was the store owner's  reply. The store owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began  to sing




"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ...
"




The store owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.
Then Chet's voice filled the air with "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas...."




The young man was so impressed that he purchased a cage and all the necessities and paid the store owner before running home as quickly
as he could with Chet.

On Christmas Morning, when his wife saw her gift she was
overwhelmed.




"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied,
"But he can sing. Let me show you."


So the young man lighted a match and placed it under Chet's left foot,


as the store owner had shown him, and Chet crooned




"Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."




The young man then moved the match to Chet's right foot, and the parrot crooned "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas"....




His wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked,


"What if we hold the match between his legs?" The man did not know.




"Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.




So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face,


cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly
like it was the performance of his life...














 


  "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!...."

 

[George Wallace]

 

[mariomike]

 

[jollyjacktar]

A farmer named Paddy was in a terrible traffic accident.  He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.  By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.  I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da foock would you say?

 

[Loachman]

17 Horror Snowmen That Are Too Damn Creepy https://www.buzzfeed.com/beckybarnicoat/terrifying-snowmen-thatll-put-you-off-snow-for-life?utm_term=.ldmamrWGl&utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=161216_G-File#.ihQZ0gnLe

 

[George Wallace]

-25 in Ottawa (not including windchill)

-25 at North Poll.....

 

[a_majoor]

Hiring SJW's:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eYwddllFUY

and:

 

[Journeyman]

Is this where we're heading?  op:

 

[The Bread Guy]

Is this where we're heading?  op:

We can't be having employees deciding to take their religion into account when serving the public, can we?