More and more funnies.. vol: something...

[observor 69]

The Canadian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. A year and a half ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

FTFU

 

[George Wallace]

FTFU

President?  That proves he has no brains, but may have balls to think he is. 

 

[jollyjacktar]

Not a Senior yet, but I can relate.

Senior Trying To Create A Password

             
WINDOWS:        Please enter your new password.

USER:                cabbage

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:                boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER:                1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER:                50fuckingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER:                50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:                50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedU pYourAssIfYouDon' tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USERissedOff: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedU pYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessN ow

WINDOWS:        Sorry, that password is already taken.

 

[expwor]

SMILE

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one:
Justin Trudeau of Canada, 44, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his photo taken."

 

[GAP]

Robert Dean Steel
April 28, 2015 ·

A couple of RCMP officers stopped at Sandy Bay First Nation and talked to an old Indian standing on the road.
He told the old Indian, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed with his lips to the location.
The RCMP officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"
Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Indian.
"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the RCMP officer running for his life, being chased by a Bull Bison. With every step the Bull Bison was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The old Indian threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE

 

[Rifleman62]

Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook out.  I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp.  He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.

Your favorite daughter,
Lilly


THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay. 

Love,
Your Dad

 

[The Bread Guy]

To some folks, anyway ...

 

[Journeyman]

      :nod:

 

[GAP]

.

 

[George Wallace]

Reproduced under the Fair Dealings provisions of the Copyright Act.

‘Sorry aboot that, eh’ — Canadian sniper apologizes after record-breaking kill shot
By Cat Astronaut On Jun 24, 2017

OTTAWA — A Canadian sniper apologized today after he was confirmed to have scored the longest lethal shot on record, according to sources.

The sniper, whose identity is being withheld for operational security reasons, said he was sorry both to the ISIS fighter he killed and to the former record-holder, British soldier Craig Harrison, whose record his 2.2-mile shot smashed by over 3,000 feet.

“Sorry aboot that, eh,” the sniper supposedly said as the .50 caliber round ripped through the insurgent’s thoracic cavity. “I thought that was a dern moose, friend.”

According to experts, Canadian standard operating procedure is to ask a target’s permission before ending his life, so as to maintain a spirit of good sportsmanship.

“We’re all aboot friendship and fair play up here in Canada, even if we’re just killing a bunch of hosers like ISIS,” said Canadian military spokesman Mick Robinson. “All the famous Canadians that everyone’s heard of like Frank Boucher and Jack Bionda would tell you the same, buddy.”

After hiding out in full-body denim ghillie suits for days, the sniper team allegedly returned to their base where they celebrated with a “specially prepared dinner of maple syrup, Tim Horton’s doughnuts, Molson Ice, and poutine for the Québécois comm. guy.”

Robinson says this shot will “stand right up there with Gretzky’s hat trick against Calgary in ’88” as one of the greatest moments in Canadian history.

“I’d say that was aboot as accurate as a Gordie Howe slapshot, eh,” said Robinson while sitting in a refrigerator and sharpening his ice skates. “I don’t even know what a 2.2 miles is, but I’m scared to look it up.”

“You happen to catch the score of the curling match?”

Kate C and Midshipman W.T. Door contributed from Saskatoon.

More on LINK.

 

[The Bread Guy]

Funny - if it wasn't so true in some cases ... (source)

 

[George Wallace]

Funny - if it wasn't so true in some cases ... (source)

Where were the Spelling Nazis?

 

[The Bread Guy]

Where were the Spelling Nazis?

If you mean "organisation," Brit reporter (BBC def reporter) = Brit spelling.

 

[George Wallace]

Sad news this Canada Day

Reproduced under the Fair Dealings provisions of the Copyright Act.

Newfoundland sunk after collision with iceberg
by Alex Huntley

HALIFAX – Four hours after a striking a massive iceberg, the Province of Newfoundland has sunk off the coast of Labrador leaving an unknown number of survivors.

All contact was lost with Canada’s most-easterly province early this morning.

Skipper Dwight Ball, who was reportedly at the helm in St. John’s, tried to steer Newfoundland hard to starboard when they came too close to a mountain of ice, but it was too late. The 520,000 residents on-board the large landmass were awoken by a large crash at 11:49 PM NT and the land quickly took on water.

A distress signal was sent to neighbouring PEI, but everyone was in bed by that time.

“They called it ‘The Rock’; a province that wouldn’t sink,” lamented Fisheries and Oceans Minister Dominic LeBlanc in an emergency press conference. “I can’t believe they kept Newfoundland in the ocean with all of those icebergs at this time of year.”

Newfoundland was added to Canada’s provinces in 1949 and previously thought to be invincible to any wave or iceberg.

“To think, people thought it was a tourist attraction,” LeBlanc added shaking his head. “This is the worst provincial navigation disaster in our country’s history.”

According to survivors, Great Big Sea proudly played ‘Ordinary Day’ as they went down with Newfoundland.

More on LINK.

 

[Journeyman]

Not a joke/cartoon, but a WTF?......  "Strandbeests" -- wind-powered 'walking machines'
More at YouTube link.

 

[jollyjacktar]

I have not looked at that until now, that's cool.

 

[Loachman]

Not a joke/cartoon, but a WTF?......  "Strandbeests" -- wind-powered 'walking machines'

I'm sorry, but your sarcasm is just too subtle for me this time, and I can't figure out who/what you're mocking.

 

[Fishbone Jones]

Must be pretty light. I don't see any tracks in the sand or ripples when it crosses the water.

 

[Rifleman62]

The Chauffeur

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. 
         
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi.  You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.  I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."   
         
The social worker behind the counter said, "your timing is excellent.  We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You will have to drive her around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz SEL, and he will supply your clothes." 
         
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas travels.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." 
         
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "you're bullshittin' me!" 
       
The social worker said, "yeah, well you started it."
       

 

[Rifleman62]

The wedding .....

A father texts his son:
"My Dear Son,

Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:
"I know."