More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
- Reaction score
- 1,401
- Points
- 1,160
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
- Reaction score
- 2,849
- Points
- 940
Technoviking said:
We think this is a step in the right direction and a humanitarian way of dealing with these people,” said Pentagon spokesman George Little, although he refused to clear up confusion among reporters of whether he was talking about Syrian civilians or the hundreds of douchebags who play airsoft and think that gives them military experience.
:rofl:
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 360
The Chain of Command (USN ranks)
Admiral - Leaps over tall buildings with a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy guidance to God.
Captain - Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Is more powerful than a small engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if the sea is calm. Talks with GOD.
Commander - Leaps short buildings with a running start. Is almost as powerful as a small engine. Is slower than a speeding bullet. Walks on water in indoor swimming pools. Talks with GOD if special form is provided.
Lieutenant commander - Barely clears little huts. Loses tug of war with small engine. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by GOD.
Lieutenant - Crashes into buildings trying to leap over them. Is run over by small engines. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self - injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.
Lieutenant Junior Grade - Cannot recognize buildings. Recognizes small engines two or three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can stay afloat if instructed in Mae West. Talks to walls.
Ensign - Falls over doorstep when trying to enter a building. Says "Look at the Choo-choo" when locomotive passes by. Not allowed elastic for his slingshot. Plays in puddles. Mumbles to himself.
Chief Petty Officer - Lifts tall buildings and walks under them. Kicks Locomotives off tracks. Catches Bullets in teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. He is GOD!
A Chief Petty Officer does not drink.
But if he does, he will not get drunk.
But if he does, he will not fall down.
But if he does, he will fall in such a manner as to cover his CPO devices on his collar so that any civilian walking by will assume it’s a Naval Officer.
Admiral - Leaps over tall buildings with a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy guidance to God.
Captain - Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Is more powerful than a small engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if the sea is calm. Talks with GOD.
Commander - Leaps short buildings with a running start. Is almost as powerful as a small engine. Is slower than a speeding bullet. Walks on water in indoor swimming pools. Talks with GOD if special form is provided.
Lieutenant commander - Barely clears little huts. Loses tug of war with small engine. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by GOD.
Lieutenant - Crashes into buildings trying to leap over them. Is run over by small engines. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self - injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.
Lieutenant Junior Grade - Cannot recognize buildings. Recognizes small engines two or three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can stay afloat if instructed in Mae West. Talks to walls.
Ensign - Falls over doorstep when trying to enter a building. Says "Look at the Choo-choo" when locomotive passes by. Not allowed elastic for his slingshot. Plays in puddles. Mumbles to himself.
Chief Petty Officer - Lifts tall buildings and walks under them. Kicks Locomotives off tracks. Catches Bullets in teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. He is GOD!
A Chief Petty Officer does not drink.
But if he does, he will not get drunk.
But if he does, he will not fall down.
But if he does, he will fall in such a manner as to cover his CPO devices on his collar so that any civilian walking by will assume it’s a Naval Officer.
- Reaction score
- 1,476
- Points
- 1,040
Looks like there was a clerical error recently in the US...
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
From White Whine:
Quote below pic:
Not only did I not know they made knives just for tomatoes, I also didn’t know you could get a $100 one. I guess we learn something new and disturbing every day.
Safe to say, I think I could post this in the "stupidest things" thread...... :
Quote below pic:
Not only did I not know they made knives just for tomatoes, I also didn’t know you could get a $100 one. I guess we learn something new and disturbing every day.
Safe to say, I think I could post this in the "stupidest things" thread...... :
- Reaction score
- 6,080
- Points
- 1,160
Anyone that pays $100 for a 'tomato' knife shouldn't be allowed to have one.
Or anything else sharp.
Or anything else sharp.
- Reaction score
- 1,401
- Points
- 1,160
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive ?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde ?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control ?
Their personalities..
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife ?
30 lbs..
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband ?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart ?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins ?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking ?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog ?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying ?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Gr. 8. Who has the biggest boobs ?
The blonde, because she's 18.....
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant ?
'Are you sure it's mine ?'
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
Breast's don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other ?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo ?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F_ _k Word ?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale ?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiiit'.
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive ?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde ?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control ?
Their personalities..
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife ?
30 lbs..
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband ?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart ?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins ?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking ?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog ?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying ?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Gr. 8. Who has the biggest boobs ?
The blonde, because she's 18.....
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant ?
'Are you sure it's mine ?'
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
Breast's don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other ?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo ?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F_ _k Word ?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale ?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiiit'.
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
- Reaction score
- 1,401
- Points
- 1,160
Letter From Camp
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping
bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all
up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue
Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't
been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he
probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it
will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of
our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to
break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with
45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer
until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there
aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming
out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and
Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the
canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water
from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the
bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet
works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just
food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way
with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our
scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was
doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy
some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight
it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping
bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all
up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue
Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't
been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he
probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it
will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of
our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to
break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with
45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer
until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there
aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming
out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and
Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the
canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water
from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the
bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet
works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just
food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way
with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our
scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was
doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy
some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight
it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots back onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
ullhair:
She'll be eligible for parole in three years. ;D
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots back onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
ullhair:She'll be eligible for parole in three years. ;D
- Reaction score
- 1,401
- Points
- 1,160
Power outage
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately. It was raining so hard I couldn’t go on line to Army.ca or go golfing so I had to talk to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately. It was raining so hard I couldn’t go on line to Army.ca or go golfing so I had to talk to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
- Reaction score
- 1,401
- Points
- 1,160
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both are fatal.
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both are fatal.
George Wallace
Army.ca Dinosaur
- Reaction score
- 184
- Points
- 710
SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW
'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Glamorgan, South Wales .
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
After all, it is ONLY A SIGN, you may say.
'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'
Answer:
A FUNERAL PARLOUR.
(WHO SAID UNDERTAKERS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)
YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!
'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Glamorgan, South Wales .
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
After all, it is ONLY A SIGN, you may say.
'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'
Answer:
A FUNERAL PARLOUR.
(WHO SAID UNDERTAKERS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)
YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!
Pranksters rig their pal's house so the taps flow with BEER instead of water
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG_wfMK7dko&feature=youtu.be
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG_wfMK7dko&feature=youtu.be
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
The Hunting Accident
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
Gotta love those grand-kids .
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,
What day is tomorrow?" ..
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister Day!" .
She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister Day mean?" .
I was waiting for something about Trudeau or Martin, etc.,
She replied, "Prime Minister Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of
the Prime Minister Mansion, And if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years
of Bull Shit."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,
What day is tomorrow?" ..
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister Day!" .
She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister Day mean?" .
I was waiting for something about Trudeau or Martin, etc.,
She replied, "Prime Minister Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of
the Prime Minister Mansion, And if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years
of Bull Shit."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose
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