More and more funnies.. vol: something...

[jollyjacktar]

The Sensitive Man

A woman met a man in a bar.  They talked; they connected; they ended up leaving together..

They got back to his place, and as he showed her around his apartment she noticed that one wall of his bedroom was completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There were three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.  Medium-sized bears covered the length of the middle shelf.  And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.  She was quite impressed by his sensitive side but didn't mention this to him.
They shared a bottle of wine and continued talking and, after awhile, she found herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips.  He responded warmly.  They continued to kiss, the passion built, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carried her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and made hot, steamy love.

She was so overwhelmed that she responded with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she had ever known.  After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they were lying there together in the afterglow.  The woman rolled over, gently stroked his chest and asked coyly,  'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiled at her, stroked her cheek, looked deeply into her eyes, and said:  'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

 

[Rifleman62]

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.  She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

**********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

  When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

 

[Eye In The Sky]

An old Canadian priest lay dying. He sent a message for Pamela Wallin and Mike Duffy to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything, both Duffy and Wallin were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them… and for good reasons!

Finally, Duffy asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."

 

[BeyondTheNow]

...stop that shyte...

 

[CougarKing]

;D Well, not flushing the toilet after using it SHOULD be a crime.

link


Man Suing Airlines After Being Arrested For Not Flushing Toilet

A man is suing the airlines after claiming that he was wrongfully detained. Salvatore Bevivino was on a flight from Philadelphia to the West Coast when he was accused for cursing at the crew and failing to flush the toilet.

The incident occurred on April 28th on a local flight from Philadelphia to San Francisco on a Virgin America flight.

A copy of the lawsuit states that Bevivino was attempting to order a drink through a flight attendant, rather than the plane’s touch-screen entertainment system. The flight attendant informed the passenger that orders should be placed through the computer screen. After the first flight attendant left, a second one came to resolve the matter. However, Bevivino insisted that he wished to order the drink through an attendant, the way it is done on other airlines. Minutes later, a third flight attendant came and brought the passenger his drink.

Bevivino stepped away from his seat and went to the restroom. When he came out he had a suspicious smirk on his face and cursed to no one in particular.

The obtained police report states that a flight attendant walked by the bathroom after Bevivino and noticed that he left the door open and did not flush the toilet.

Bevivino was arrested the minute the flight landed, but he stands by his innocence and states he did not leave the toilet unflushed.

Obtained documents state that Bevivino is seeking damages for the embarrassment, humiliation, mortification, fright, shock, mental anguish and emotional distress.

 

[Rifleman62]

http://roadrunnersinternationale.com/pratt_whitney.html

THIS IS TO ALL THE REAL MEN WHO FLEW REAL FLYING MACHINES THERE ARE NOT MANY OF US REMAINING.


GET RID OF TURBINE  ENGINES

Author: Bob McKellar 

We  gotta get rid of turbines... they're ruining  aviation. We need to go back  to big round engines.

Anybody  can start a turbine, you just need to move a switch from "OFF" to "START," and  then remember to move it back to "ON" after a while. My PC is harder to  start.

Cranking  a round engine requires skill, finesse and style. On some planes, the pilots  are not even allowed to do it.

Turbines  start by whining for a while, and then give a small lady-like poot and start  whining louder.

Round  engines give a satisfying rattle-rattle, click-click BANG, more rattles,  another BANG, a big macho fart or two, more clicks, a lot of smoke and finally  a serious low pitched roar.

We  like that. It's a guy thing. When you start a round engine, your mind is  engaged and you can concentrate on the flight ahead. Starting a turbine is  like flicking on a ceiling fan: Useful, but hardly exciting.

Turbines  don't break often enough, leading to aircrew boredom, complacency and  inattention. A round engine at speed looks and sounds like it's going to blow  at any minute.

This  helps concentrate the mind.

Turbines  don't have enough control levers to keep a pilot's attention.

There's  nothing to fiddle with during the flight.

Turbines  smell like a Boy Scout camp full of Coleman lanterns. Round engines smell like  God intended flying machines to smell.

I  think I hear the nurse coming down the hall. I gotta go. 

 

[PMedMoe]

Soccer at its finest...

And again:

;D

 

[GAP]

TV station falls for fake names of flight crew
By QMI Agency
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2013/07/12/20971096.html

You would think they would've noticed something wrong.

A California news station reported Friday it had learned the names of the flight crew on doomed Asiana flight 214 that crashed last Saturday at San Francisco's airport.

Oakland's KTVU Channel 2 co-anchor Tori Campell read the names as they appeared on the screen: Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk and Bang Ding Ow. (Read them out loud.)

The names had been confirmed, she said, by the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB).

Campbell came back after a commercial break and clarified that the names were obviously wrong, but it was too late. Video of the cringe-inducing report had already begun circulating online.

Friday evening, the NTSB issued an apology for confirming the "inaccurate and offensive names" of the flight crew and stated an intern "acted outside of the scope of his authority" in providing the information.


Both the NTSB and KTVU stated they are taking actions to ensure such an error doesn't happen again.

But, thanks to the Internet, it will never be forgotten.

 

[jollyjacktar]

Two Californians are drinking in a bar. One says "Did you know that Elks
have sex 10 to 15 times a day?

"Aw crap.." says his friend "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus !"

 

[57Chevy]

:nod:

 

[MikeL]

When you see it...

 

[PMedMoe]

When you see it...

You had ONE job!  :rofl:

 

[cupper]

When you see it...

You know it's bad enough that US tourists wear Canadian flags when traveling to hide the fact they are Americans.

But now they try and dress like our troops too?

:facepalm:

 

[vonGarvin]

And the British Tank! 

 

[PMedMoe]

<Insert Hannibal Lecter's "tongue" sound here>  >

 

[Retired AF Guy]

The British are coming!!

 

[Rifleman62]

Once upon a time, after the Big War, there was this scud running former fighter pilot caught by nightfall's rapid approach with commensurately dwindling visibility, better find a field FAST! Our intrepid aviator at the last minute gets a glimpse of a field of new mown hay through a hole in the clouds.

Relieved at his good fortune, he lands and taxis up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer comes out onto the front porch and says, "You can spend the night in the barn, but stay away from my daughter." As he lay down, starting to doze off, said daughter brought him a plate of supper. The conversation led to romance and the farmer's number one rule was broken.

As dawn broke our hero got long gone. Some seven years later, the pilot passed over the farm and decided to land and pay a visit. However, as he approached the house he saw a six-year-old boy standing in the front yard with the object of his former passion. The daughter, sensing his question said, "Yes, this is your son."

"Why didn't you let me know, I would've done the right thing," he said.

The daughter then replied, "We discussed it, even prayed about it, but in the end we thought it was better to have a bastard in the family than a fighter pilot.”

 

[PMedMoe]

The 35 Best Times Someone On Facebook Thought ‘The Onion’ Was Real

:facepalm:

;D

 

[Rifleman62]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"


"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer

 

[Rifleman62]

4 year Old’s first job.......
 
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.  The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.  At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f------' drywall..."