More and more funnies.. vol: something...

[57Chevy]

From the american society of retired people;


Q:�Where can men over the ageof 60 find younger, sexywomen who are interestedin them?
A:�Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q:�What can a man do while hiswife is going through menopause?
A:�Keep busy. If you're handy withtools, you can finish the basement.When you're done you'll have aplace to live.

Q:�Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?
A:�Yes. Matthew 14:92:"And Mary rode Joseph's assall the way to Egypt."

Q:�How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plusyear old husband?
A:�Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:�How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:�Take off your glasses.

Q:�Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:�Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q:�Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:�Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:�Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:�Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q:�As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:�Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:�Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:�On their foreheads.

Q:�What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:�"Gosh, I remember these!"

 

[PMedMoe]

The 56 best/worst analogies written by high school students*

:rofl:

Some are pretty good.  :nod:

*Edit to add:  These were actually written for a Washington Post contest.  Still funny.

 

[PMedMoe]

40 Inspirational Speeches in 2 Minutes

Well done.  :nod:

Had to add this:  The 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes of All Time

 

[GnyHwy]

A salesman walks up to a suburban home and knocks on the door.  The door opens and there stands an eight year old boy, wearing a bath robe, smoking a cigar and drinking from a bottle of whiskey.

The boy, with a snide look on his face asks, "can I help ya"?

The salesman, completely taken back by the boys lack of respect and conduct replies "is your mother home"?

The boy, with a cocky smile, replies... " what the %&$ do you think"?

 

[Rifleman62]

Never thought I would see this very, very old joke on the internet.



A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist  shop. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly  folded cotton bandana, unfolds  it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also  unfolds to  reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on  it. The  chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How  much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six  pence," says the chemist.

"How  much for a new one?"

"Ten  pence" says the chemist.

The  Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square  handkerchief and the  cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and  marches out of  the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

He comes back the next day and says "Six  pence for the repair, and ten pence for a new one".

"Aye" says the chemist.

The  Scot painstakingly marches out of  the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A  moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up  outside, followed by an even greater  shout. The  Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the  proprietor, this  time with a grin on his face.

"The  regiment will have it repaired."

 

[PMedMoe]

Not so much funny as fun:  How fast are your reactions?

 

[ironduke57]

Auto Correct Fails: Damn You Auto Correct's 11 Most Awkward SNAFUs Of 2011
;D ;D :rofl: :rofl:

 

[FlyingDutchman]

Auto Correct Fails: Damn You Auto Correct's 11 Most Awkward SNAFUs Of 2011
;D ;D :rofl: :rofl:

....I f***ing hate auto correct and was ready to build a neck for my phone just so I could strangle it when it was stuck on.

 

[Rifleman62]

HELL  EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
 
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

[Cardstonkid]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "...Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh#ttin' me?!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well .. You started it!!

 

[navymich]

A Sailor walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman looks at his wrist and remarks, "That's some watch.

I've never seen anything like it before. What is it?"

"I just got this," he replies. "It's a new military issue. It has a small computer chip which has threat detection and situational awareness."

The intrigued woman asks, "What's so special about it?"

The Sailor explains, "It can detect any threats within a 50 yard radius and gives me an awareness of my surroundings.

The woman asks, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, according to what it says, you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Sailor taps the face of his watch several times and says, "Aw, hell, the damn thing's an hour fast

 

[navymich]

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy halter top. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. 'Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg.' He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.' Mortified, he too fled.

'Morons....'the third priest mutters and moves to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you.'

They took the bus!!!

 

[observor 69]

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? None, they hate change, even if it would brighten the world. -Unknown   

 

[vonGarvin]

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?  None: feminists can't change anything.  ;D

 

[Sythen]

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?  None: feminists can't change anything.  ;D

oh snap!

 

[vonGarvin]

If a man driving a motorcyle runs over a woman, who's at fault?



The man, of course...


















Why is he driving a motorcycle in the kitchen in the first place?  ;D

 

[vonGarvin]

Why do little boys whinge and whine so much?


They are practicing to become men.

 

[Loachman]

How many gun control supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None - they just pass a law banning burnt-out light bulbs and wonder why it's still dark.

 

[vonGarvin]

How many gun control supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None - they just pass a law banning burnt-out light bulbs and wonder why it's still dark.

This.  This is the BEST joke.  EVER!!!!

 

[Loachman]

It's not a joke.