More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
(don't take these personally as they discriminate against all provinces equally)
some are a little dated but...
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10. Cannabis
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government
militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and
get away with it
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have
beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the
federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even
when you cut someone off
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly
believe it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV]
for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side
of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English
neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken
Celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent
of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario
motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war ...
by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to
kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's
largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to
wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is
considered Canada's most beautiful city
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still
got the big-ass bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house,
then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone
for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and
off at night
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can
make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like
the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed
to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on
your wedding day
some are a little dated but...
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10. Cannabis
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government
militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and
get away with it
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have
beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the
federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even
when you cut someone off
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly
believe it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV]
for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side
of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English
neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken
Celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent
of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario
motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war ...
by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to
kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's
largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to
wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is
considered Canada's most beautiful city
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still
got the big-ass bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house,
then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone
for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and
off at night
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can
make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like
the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed
to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on
your wedding day
- Reaction score
- 2,849
- Points
- 940
A collection of six old cheatin' jokes
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
The timing of this is American*, but still funny: Thanksgiving as a kid VS Thanksgiving as an adult
*Since someone kindly pointed out to me that we Canadians have Thanksgiving too.
*Since someone kindly pointed out to me that we Canadians have Thanksgiving too.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 160
...This is going to be a fun weekend.
Retired AF Guy
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 925
- Points
- 1,160
Never saw this before: Weird Al" Yankovic's Star Wars parody of Don Mcleans "An American Pie."
The Saga Begins
The Saga Begins
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
For all you history buffs: Facebook News Feed History of the World: World War I to World War II
Check out the other world history news feeds at this link. :nod:
Check out the other world history news feeds at this link. :nod:
- Reaction score
- 2,849
- Points
- 940
It's not looking good for the Nativity Scene on Parliament Hill this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason; they simply haven't been able to find Three Wise Men in Ottawa.
The search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
From a Kijiji ad in Moncton, NB
http://newbrunswick.kijiji.ca/c-buy-and-sell-tools-equipment-11HP-29-Snowblower-W0QQAdIdZ332915918
Do you like shoveling snow? Then stop reading this and go back to your pushups and granola because you are not someone that I want to talk to.
Let’s face it, we live in a place that attracts snow like Magnetic Hill attracts cars, only that ain’t an illusion out there. That’s 12 inches of snow piling up and, oh, what’s that sound? Why it’s the snow plow and it’s here to let you know that it hates you and all the time you spent to shovel your driveway. Did you want to get out of your house today? Were you expecting to get to work on time? Or even this week?
You gave it your best shot. You tried to shovel by yourself and I respect you for that. I did it, my parents did it, some of my best friends did it. But deep down inside, we all wanted to murder that neighbor with the snowblower who was finished and on his second beer while you were still trying to throw snow over a snowbank taller than you are.
So, here we are. You could murder your neighbour, which could ensure that you won’t need to shovel a driveway for 25 to life, but there are downsides to that too. What to do?
Here’s the deal. I have a snow blower and I want you to own it. I can tell you’re serious about this. It’s like I can almost see you: sitting there, your legs are probably crossed and your left hand is on your chin. Am I right? How’d I do that? The same way that I know that YOU ARE GOING TO BUY THIS SNOWBLOWER.
I want you to experience the rush that comes with smashing through a snowdrift and blowing that mother trucker out of the way. The elation of seeing the snow plow come back down your street and watching the look of despair as your OTHER neighbour gets his shovel out once more while you kick back with a hot cup of joe (you don’t have a drinking problem like that other guy).
Here’s what you do. You go to the bank. You collect $900. You get your buddy with a truck and you drive over here. You give me some cold hard cash and I give you a machine that will mess up a snowbank sumthin’ fierce. I’ve even got the manual for it, on account of I bought it brand new and I don’t throw that kind of thing away. Don't want to pay me $900? Convince me. Send me an offer and I'll either laugh at you and you'll never hear back from me or I'll counter.
You want a snow blower. You need a snow blower.
This isn’t some entry level snow blower that is just gonna move the snow two feet away. This is an 11 HP Briggs and Stratton machine of snow doom that will cut a 29 inch path of pure ecstasy. And it’s only 4 years old. I dare you to find a harder working 4 year old. My niece is five and she gets tired and cranky after just a few minutes of shoveling. This guy just goes and goes and goes.
You know what else? I greased it every year to help keep the water off it and the body in as good as shape as possible. It's greasier than me when I was 13, and that's saying something.
You know how many speeds it has? Six forward and two in reverse. It goes from “leisurely” slow up to “light speed”. Seriously, I’ve never gone further than five because it terrifies me. I kid you not, you could probably commute to work with it dragging you.
You know what else is crappy about clearing snow in the morning? That you have to do it in the dark. Well, not anymore! It has a halogen headlight that will light your way like some kind of moveable lighthouse (only better, because lighthouses won’t clear your driveway).
Oh, and since it’s the 21st century, this snow blower comes with an electric starter. Just plug that sucker in, push the button, and get ready to punch snow in the throat. If you want to experience what life was like in olden days, it comes with a back-up cord you could pull to start it, but forget that. The reason you’re getting this fearsome warrior was for the convenience, so why make it harder on yourself?
By this point, you’re probably wondering why I would sell my snowblower since the first snowpocalypse is upon us today. I’ll tell you why: because I heard it was time for you to man up and harness some mighty teeth and claws and chew your way to freedom, that’s why.
This is my snow blower. Make it your snow blower.
UPDATE - I assure you that the snowblower is real, and it is still available. Do not despair if you have made an offer on this glorious tribute to man's triumph over nature and I have not responded yet, your time has yet to come.
http://newbrunswick.kijiji.ca/c-buy-and-sell-tools-equipment-11HP-29-Snowblower-W0QQAdIdZ332915918
Do you like shoveling snow? Then stop reading this and go back to your pushups and granola because you are not someone that I want to talk to.
Let’s face it, we live in a place that attracts snow like Magnetic Hill attracts cars, only that ain’t an illusion out there. That’s 12 inches of snow piling up and, oh, what’s that sound? Why it’s the snow plow and it’s here to let you know that it hates you and all the time you spent to shovel your driveway. Did you want to get out of your house today? Were you expecting to get to work on time? Or even this week?
You gave it your best shot. You tried to shovel by yourself and I respect you for that. I did it, my parents did it, some of my best friends did it. But deep down inside, we all wanted to murder that neighbor with the snowblower who was finished and on his second beer while you were still trying to throw snow over a snowbank taller than you are.
So, here we are. You could murder your neighbour, which could ensure that you won’t need to shovel a driveway for 25 to life, but there are downsides to that too. What to do?
Here’s the deal. I have a snow blower and I want you to own it. I can tell you’re serious about this. It’s like I can almost see you: sitting there, your legs are probably crossed and your left hand is on your chin. Am I right? How’d I do that? The same way that I know that YOU ARE GOING TO BUY THIS SNOWBLOWER.
I want you to experience the rush that comes with smashing through a snowdrift and blowing that mother trucker out of the way. The elation of seeing the snow plow come back down your street and watching the look of despair as your OTHER neighbour gets his shovel out once more while you kick back with a hot cup of joe (you don’t have a drinking problem like that other guy).
Here’s what you do. You go to the bank. You collect $900. You get your buddy with a truck and you drive over here. You give me some cold hard cash and I give you a machine that will mess up a snowbank sumthin’ fierce. I’ve even got the manual for it, on account of I bought it brand new and I don’t throw that kind of thing away. Don't want to pay me $900? Convince me. Send me an offer and I'll either laugh at you and you'll never hear back from me or I'll counter.
You want a snow blower. You need a snow blower.
This isn’t some entry level snow blower that is just gonna move the snow two feet away. This is an 11 HP Briggs and Stratton machine of snow doom that will cut a 29 inch path of pure ecstasy. And it’s only 4 years old. I dare you to find a harder working 4 year old. My niece is five and she gets tired and cranky after just a few minutes of shoveling. This guy just goes and goes and goes.
You know what else? I greased it every year to help keep the water off it and the body in as good as shape as possible. It's greasier than me when I was 13, and that's saying something.
You know how many speeds it has? Six forward and two in reverse. It goes from “leisurely” slow up to “light speed”. Seriously, I’ve never gone further than five because it terrifies me. I kid you not, you could probably commute to work with it dragging you.
You know what else is crappy about clearing snow in the morning? That you have to do it in the dark. Well, not anymore! It has a halogen headlight that will light your way like some kind of moveable lighthouse (only better, because lighthouses won’t clear your driveway).
Oh, and since it’s the 21st century, this snow blower comes with an electric starter. Just plug that sucker in, push the button, and get ready to punch snow in the throat. If you want to experience what life was like in olden days, it comes with a back-up cord you could pull to start it, but forget that. The reason you’re getting this fearsome warrior was for the convenience, so why make it harder on yourself?
By this point, you’re probably wondering why I would sell my snowblower since the first snowpocalypse is upon us today. I’ll tell you why: because I heard it was time for you to man up and harness some mighty teeth and claws and chew your way to freedom, that’s why.
This is my snow blower. Make it your snow blower.
UPDATE - I assure you that the snowblower is real, and it is still available. Do not despair if you have made an offer on this glorious tribute to man's triumph over nature and I have not responded yet, your time has yet to come.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
That is the best ad for anything, ever.WR said:
Wow.....
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 160
I want that snow blower, and I live in a place where I do not have to shovel, not to mention its on the other side of the country.
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
PMedMoe said:
Holy Shit. :rofl:
This one kinda gave me the heebie-jeebies.....
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
That snowblower add is epic I love the "blow your way to freedom" comment. That guy is hilarious, I'm willing to drive the 21 hours it would take for me to get to NB just to meet this man.
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Zellers.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
Antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
Fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Zellers.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
Antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
Fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
WR said:
Snowblower that caused stir on Kijiji sold
CBC News Nov 28, 2011 9:59 PM
Article Link
The Kijiji ad which drew lots of attention to a Moncton man has also made him some money as he sold the subject of the ad — a snowblower — over the weekend.
Sunday's blogpost by Weh-Ming Cho reads "The Snowblower that ate the internet: SOLD."
He said all he wanted to do was sell his snowblower so that he could hire a plowdriver to take care of his driveway this winter.
His humourous selling approach was what took the World Wide Web by storm. He also happened to post the ad on the day of New Brunswick's first snowstorm of the season
"You gave it your best shot. You tried to shovel by yourself and I respect you for that," the ad says.
"I have a snow blower and I want you to own it. It's like I can almost see you: sitting there, your legs are probably crossed and your left hand is on your chin. Am I right? How'd I do that? The same way that I know that YOU ARE GOING TO BUY THIS SNOWBLOWER."
He posted the ad last Wednesday. In less than a week, he says the ad was viewed 342,465 times, with 48,574 people linking to it on Facebook .
He says the ad was viewed about 55 times per minute and linked to almost eight times per minute.
The ad also did pretty well for him personally.
More on link
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
(not sure if this has or has not been posted already)
A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a computer engineer were driving down the road together when suddenly the car they are in stops. The mechanical engineer quickly pops the hood to see whats wrong, he assumes that there must be something wrong with the engine. Meanwhile the chemical engineer is examining the gas tank and immediately assumes from the smell that there is something wrong with the gasoline. An arguement starts between the two and after a few minutes the computer engineer, still sitting alone in the car says "Why don't we turn it off... and then turn it on again!"
A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a computer engineer were driving down the road together when suddenly the car they are in stops. The mechanical engineer quickly pops the hood to see whats wrong, he assumes that there must be something wrong with the engine. Meanwhile the chemical engineer is examining the gas tank and immediately assumes from the smell that there is something wrong with the gasoline. An arguement starts between the two and after a few minutes the computer engineer, still sitting alone in the car says "Why don't we turn it off... and then turn it on again!"
Retired AF Guy
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 925
- Points
- 1,160
Something for the gun guys/girls:
Similar threads
