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More and more funnies.. vol: something...

GnyHwy said:
FYI, I'm making this sucker someday.  I'll put this in the manly thread too.
Click to expand...

One of these days, I'm going to hit New Orleans (again) at Thanksgiving or Christmas/New Year's and have turducken.  :nod:  Bacon would just improve that.  ;D
 
THE OLDER WOMAN

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'








 
I stole some of these for future use  >:D, i didn't read through the whole thing but here is one (if you don't have it)
themuzzleofatankp1.jpg
 
Places I have and have not been


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
 
Just to end this tangent and get back to the jokes.

From the dress manual:

Subject to procedures established
by commanders of commands,
permission to wear a beard shall
only be granted to all ranks who
wear the naval uniform, wherever
serving; all ranks on strength of an
infantry pioneer platoon; adherents
of the Sikh religion (see Section 3);
and personnel, on the direction of a
medical officer, subject to medical
reassessment at intervals not
exceeding six months. Other
personnel shall shave off their
beards.

Now lets get back to the jokes
 
Moustaches and eyebrows are alright too.
 
Imagine that guy on the phone, "Sgt Maj. you'll never guess what Jenkins did this time"

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,  "OK old fart,Time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it, You are washed up And I am taking over." 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." 

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." 

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.  They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.  He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!  The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.  The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit..... . Third gay rooster I bought this month." 

Moral of this Story? .... 
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery 
Always overcome youth and arrogance! 
OLD  DUDES RULE

 
Speaking of roosters and hens, that reminds me of an old joke.

"The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown separately around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.” Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.” Upon being told, the President asked, “Same hen every time?” The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”
 
THE MARITIMES THROUGH THE EYES OF JEFF FOXWORTHY:

If your local Tasty Treat is closed from September through May, you may live in the Maritimes. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in the Maritimes. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in the Maritimes. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with s...omeone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in the Maritimes. If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Saint John for the weekend, you may live in the Maritimes. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in the Maritimes. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in the Maritimes. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in the Maritimes. If you can drive 110 kms through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in the Maritimes. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in the Maritimes. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in the Maritimes. If you design your kid's costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in the Maritimes. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in the Maritimes. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in the Maritimes. If you have more kms on your snow blower than your car, you may live in the Maritimes. If you find -12C degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Canada!! If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Maritime friends and others can see


 
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