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I don't take any credit for this one, but thought it was funny...RMS clerks in particular should enjoy it. ;D
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF RMS CLERKS
In these times of downsizing, trade-merging and doing more with less, resulting in unrealistic expectations customers place on clerks, it's time for a fresh set of commandments. I'd love to see these etched into stone tablets, one for each which we could beat over the heads of customers breaking them.
1) I AM THE CLERK HELPING YOU, THE ONE AVAILABLE AT THIS TIME.
I don't care who helped you before and gave you benefits you weren't entitled to. Obviously you don't either, as you can't remember their name, rank or provide a general description of them, except they were a clerk. Get the gender right at least. They aren't here to help you now, I AM.
2) YOU SHALL MENTION NO OTHER FORMS OF PAYMENT BEFORE ME.
My job (and that of my fellow-scribes) is to get you the most benefits you are entitled to. However, it is cost-effective and more time effective to pay you through a Direct Funds Transfer (DFT) on your claim and send the money right to your bank account. I don't care that you want that claim paid out in cash, because you don't want your old lady/man to know about your party money. Life sucks, get a helmet.
3) YOU SHALL NOT CONSIDER YOURSELF AN IDOL, GOD, DEITY OR OTHER ELEVATED BEING.
You are not infallible. Nowhere in any applicable orders and/or regulations does it state "The Customer Is Always Right." Just because you "know" a guy at another base or unit getting a higher rate of Separation Expense than you doesn't make it true. A favored response to these ignorant assholes is to call their damn bluff: "Well then, please provide the applicable reference or written authority, so I'll know for next time." This shuts them up fast. Threatening to file a formal complaint with my chain of command is no threat at all, because if you're playing that card I'm already annoyed with you and want you to go away.
4) YOU SHALL NOT MAKE WRONGFUL USE OF THE NAME OF THE COMMANDING OFFICER, MY BOSS, YOUR BOSS.
You think I'm intimidated by you name-dropping some high ranking individual, or the fact you are a high-ranking individual? I know high-ranking people too. I talk to a lot more of them than you do. I am certain that they would rather keep me around than you. If it's a decision I know they can make but I can't, I'll call them for you. If you're asking the impossible, your calling upon a high authority will only result in all our time being wasted, the higher authority annoyed, and I'll tell you as much.
5) REMEMBER THE ORDERLY ROOM HOURS, AND KEEP THEM HOLY.
Don't be banging on the doors thirty minutes before we open, there's no clerks logged into the computer to check on your pay or to look something up for you. Unless it is an emergency, as decided by the Chief Clerk or CO, don't expect to be let in five minutes past closing, we're trying to clean up our backlog and figure out complicated shit to benefit you without a million interruptions. As for all of you piss-poor planners who make your screw-ups our emergency and hassle us for results incessantly and wonder when we don't respond immediately, Take the hint! Fail to plan, plan to fail. Give more advance notice. Provide what information is required and GTFO.
6) HONOR WRITTEN POLICIES AND DIRECTIVES.
Stop demanding that we research a benefit or directive for you, then argue and bitch that it was interpreted wrong if what we find is not what you like. This includes claim entitlements, tax deductions off of certain benefits. DO NOT threaten to go to a higher authority. We already did that when we sent a query to the Director of Benefits Compensation Administration (DCBA) and they informed us in proper military lingo that you can go and rub a lamp, and dream of all your wishes coming true.
7) YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT POWER-TRIPPING.
We are a place that provides a service and that service is clerical. We are not lawyers, bankers or Notaries. There are reasons you have to pay for those services. Our objective is not to provide you with every opportunity to rake in as much money as you can during the course of your career, and turn every Temporary Duty (TD) into a profit making venture for yourself. If you incur long-distance charges because you had to phone from Vancouver to a clerk in Chilliwack regarding a question about your pay, you are not entitled to claim these long-distance charges as work expenses. There is no sense in appealing for sympathy. That is in the dictionary between "Shit" and "Syphilis." Pay that 30-cent long distance charge, you cheap bastard.
8 ) YOU SHALL NOT STEAL.
I can't believe it! This one's totally unaltered from the original. Fraud isn't smart; it's completely boneheaded, resulting in more red tape bureaucracy to prevent idiots like you from committing more fraud in the future. When you're caught, someone may decide to charge you, convene a summary trial or court martial. Fellow CF members and civilian employees, in addition to the media will have a field day at your expense.
9) YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THE CLERKS.
Do not claim you were treated rudely just because we told you "no." Do not make up lies about how you were ill-treated. The chain of command knows better... after all, they work with us every day. If you screw up and did not follow instructions or gave the clerk the wrong ones, do not blame the clerk. We keep written and electronic records. If we screw up, we admit it and fix the problem.
10) YOU SHALL NOT COVET ANOTHER'S EMPLOYEE'S OR CUSTOMER'S BENEFITS.
Everyone's benefits are calculated based on their rank, incentive, trade and what ever allowances they are entitled to. You may not get Post Living Differential (PLD) Allowance. It's not as good of a perk as you think. It is a taxable benefit, which means you have more taxable income to declare at the end of the year. You already get free medical, dental, travel benefits and premiums for your family are subsidized. Work for an employer in the private sector and see how bad off you weren't. Not many employers can care less if you are transferred due to work reasons and are far away from your family and never see them again.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF RMS CLERKS
In these times of downsizing, trade-merging and doing more with less, resulting in unrealistic expectations customers place on clerks, it's time for a fresh set of commandments. I'd love to see these etched into stone tablets, one for each which we could beat over the heads of customers breaking them.
1) I AM THE CLERK HELPING YOU, THE ONE AVAILABLE AT THIS TIME.
I don't care who helped you before and gave you benefits you weren't entitled to. Obviously you don't either, as you can't remember their name, rank or provide a general description of them, except they were a clerk. Get the gender right at least. They aren't here to help you now, I AM.
2) YOU SHALL MENTION NO OTHER FORMS OF PAYMENT BEFORE ME.
My job (and that of my fellow-scribes) is to get you the most benefits you are entitled to. However, it is cost-effective and more time effective to pay you through a Direct Funds Transfer (DFT) on your claim and send the money right to your bank account. I don't care that you want that claim paid out in cash, because you don't want your old lady/man to know about your party money. Life sucks, get a helmet.
3) YOU SHALL NOT CONSIDER YOURSELF AN IDOL, GOD, DEITY OR OTHER ELEVATED BEING.
You are not infallible. Nowhere in any applicable orders and/or regulations does it state "The Customer Is Always Right." Just because you "know" a guy at another base or unit getting a higher rate of Separation Expense than you doesn't make it true. A favored response to these ignorant assholes is to call their damn bluff: "Well then, please provide the applicable reference or written authority, so I'll know for next time." This shuts them up fast. Threatening to file a formal complaint with my chain of command is no threat at all, because if you're playing that card I'm already annoyed with you and want you to go away.
4) YOU SHALL NOT MAKE WRONGFUL USE OF THE NAME OF THE COMMANDING OFFICER, MY BOSS, YOUR BOSS.
You think I'm intimidated by you name-dropping some high ranking individual, or the fact you are a high-ranking individual? I know high-ranking people too. I talk to a lot more of them than you do. I am certain that they would rather keep me around than you. If it's a decision I know they can make but I can't, I'll call them for you. If you're asking the impossible, your calling upon a high authority will only result in all our time being wasted, the higher authority annoyed, and I'll tell you as much.
5) REMEMBER THE ORDERLY ROOM HOURS, AND KEEP THEM HOLY.
Don't be banging on the doors thirty minutes before we open, there's no clerks logged into the computer to check on your pay or to look something up for you. Unless it is an emergency, as decided by the Chief Clerk or CO, don't expect to be let in five minutes past closing, we're trying to clean up our backlog and figure out complicated shit to benefit you without a million interruptions. As for all of you piss-poor planners who make your screw-ups our emergency and hassle us for results incessantly and wonder when we don't respond immediately, Take the hint! Fail to plan, plan to fail. Give more advance notice. Provide what information is required and GTFO.
6) HONOR WRITTEN POLICIES AND DIRECTIVES.
Stop demanding that we research a benefit or directive for you, then argue and bitch that it was interpreted wrong if what we find is not what you like. This includes claim entitlements, tax deductions off of certain benefits. DO NOT threaten to go to a higher authority. We already did that when we sent a query to the Director of Benefits Compensation Administration (DCBA) and they informed us in proper military lingo that you can go and rub a lamp, and dream of all your wishes coming true.
7) YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT POWER-TRIPPING.
We are a place that provides a service and that service is clerical. We are not lawyers, bankers or Notaries. There are reasons you have to pay for those services. Our objective is not to provide you with every opportunity to rake in as much money as you can during the course of your career, and turn every Temporary Duty (TD) into a profit making venture for yourself. If you incur long-distance charges because you had to phone from Vancouver to a clerk in Chilliwack regarding a question about your pay, you are not entitled to claim these long-distance charges as work expenses. There is no sense in appealing for sympathy. That is in the dictionary between "Shit" and "Syphilis." Pay that 30-cent long distance charge, you cheap bastard.
8 ) YOU SHALL NOT STEAL.
I can't believe it! This one's totally unaltered from the original. Fraud isn't smart; it's completely boneheaded, resulting in more red tape bureaucracy to prevent idiots like you from committing more fraud in the future. When you're caught, someone may decide to charge you, convene a summary trial or court martial. Fellow CF members and civilian employees, in addition to the media will have a field day at your expense.
9) YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THE CLERKS.
Do not claim you were treated rudely just because we told you "no." Do not make up lies about how you were ill-treated. The chain of command knows better... after all, they work with us every day. If you screw up and did not follow instructions or gave the clerk the wrong ones, do not blame the clerk. We keep written and electronic records. If we screw up, we admit it and fix the problem.
10) YOU SHALL NOT COVET ANOTHER'S EMPLOYEE'S OR CUSTOMER'S BENEFITS.
Everyone's benefits are calculated based on their rank, incentive, trade and what ever allowances they are entitled to. You may not get Post Living Differential (PLD) Allowance. It's not as good of a perk as you think. It is a taxable benefit, which means you have more taxable income to declare at the end of the year. You already get free medical, dental, travel benefits and premiums for your family are subsidized. Work for an employer in the private sector and see how bad off you weren't. Not many employers can care less if you are transferred due to work reasons and are far away from your family and never see them again.
