More and more funnies.. vol: something...

[Rifleman62]

A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband "I love you, sweetheart." Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message. Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way? 1. Who the hell is this? 2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what? 3. Yeah, and I love you too. ....What's wrong? 4. What now? Did you wreck the car again? 5. I don't understand what you mean? 6 What the heck did you do now?  7. Are you sure this is for me?  8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 9. Am I dreaming? 10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die 11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day 12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

 

[Oldgateboatdriver]

Last Christmas, my wife gave me a "Daily Sudoku" desk calendar. It also includes a "thought for the day" section. Today's thought is ascribed to Bill Patterson, and is so appropriate I felt I need to share it here (I almost went for sharing it in the Politics in 2017 forum  ;D):

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."

 

[dapaterson]

Believe that's from Bill Watterson, of "Calvin and Hobbes" fame.

Almost as good as my favourite quote from Calvin's Dad

When I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything.  I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how.  I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do I any given scenario.  I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd know the whole things was going to be ad-libbed.

 

[Oldgateboatdriver]

Quite right DP. I failed to notice my error. It is Bill Watterson.

And as I just type my apology here, I noticed - just in  time - that it is my #$&^%* spell check which automatically changed the "W" to "P" without asking me.

 

[larry Strong]

To put it in context......my favorite characters......

Cheers
Larry

 

[Rifleman62]

A SUCCESSFUL Montana rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra ..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"




(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

 

[Rifleman62]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[jollyjacktar]

For those of us who enjoy Duffleblog or The Onion types of humour.  ;D

http://www.southendnewsnetwork.net/news/donald-trump-accidentally-orders-air-force-to-bomb-siri/


SHOCKING FOOTAGE SHOWS THOUSANDS OF WHITE PEOPLE CHASING GROUP OF BLACK MEN AROUND LONDON


https://buff.ly/2JgsXTz

 

[Rifleman62]

AUSTRALIAN LETTER -

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign

Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister.  The Government tried

desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every

legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing !


Dear Mr Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows

that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997,

and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born

and on what date ?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand ?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all

the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.

It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those

stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes

over the past 30 years.

It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is

Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever

changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning.

Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless

Neanderthal arseholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see

my new granddaughter.  (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).  And would someone

please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the

next 15 days? In the unlikely event, I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep

or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of fucking Sydney, and get another

fucking copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of

accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the

issuance of a new passport on the same day?

Nooooo…that'd be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense.

You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our

fucking heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm

that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're

not allowed to smile?...you fucking morons.

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting

someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me?  Well, my family

has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my

forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor.  (You do remember the

Eureka Stockade!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something

over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high

security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of

the RSL...Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card

each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to

verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN

AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!...a country where they either

assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from

the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government".

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling fucking idiots!

 

[Roger123]

AUSTRALIAN LETTER - ...

That letter was just awesome.

 

[jollyjacktar]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you..''

 

[daftandbarmy]

During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of  State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."

 

[jollyjacktar]

A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 pounds for an extraction, sir," the dentist replied.

"£85 quid!  Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without
any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful.  But
the price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist.  "I'll charge
you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie!  It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

 

[Rifleman62]

Nursing.

 

[jollyjacktar]

A satirical "fake news" website written in "The Onion" style by a couple of Canadians.  Very entertaining.

https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/

 

[Rifleman62]

Drain the Swamp - Political Diet

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me.  We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids.  I just don’t get it."

"Well, " said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you, " replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.  Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.  You’re not getting any real nourishment.  See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”

 

[jollyjacktar]

After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

[Blackadder1916]

Something's missing.  Can you spot what it is.

https://www.govt.nz/lll

 

[Oldgateboatdriver]

For those who can't spot it: Hint! Note where the page originates from.  :nod:

 

[daftandbarmy]

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.

The statistician yells "We got him!"