- Reaction score
- 6,080
- Points
- 1,160
PMedMoe said:So true.....
>
There supposed to be a family?
I thought they were successful engagements with my truck :
Now I have to scrape mine off the back window :facepalm:
More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
There supposed to be a family?
I thought they were successful engagements with my truck :
Now I have to scrape mine off the back window :facepalm:
- Reaction score
- 2,849
- Points
- 940
No, that's this one... :nod:
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
The testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt and ached all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about this.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he'd have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the
midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side ... then snip-snip-snip-snip
on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said," How does that feel now?"The midget replied, "Perfect Doc , and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he'd have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the
midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side ... then snip-snip-snip-snip
on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said," How does that feel now?"The midget replied, "Perfect Doc , and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
Respduduced under the fair dealings provision of the copyright act
from Time - Link here
http://battleland.blogs.time.com/2012/05/01/how-u-s-commanders-deal-with-their-military-allies/#more-72877
We’re all familiar with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance.
Well, over at Best Defense, Tom Ricks has come up with a similar construct detailing the six stages U.S. military commanders go through in their dealings with their local counterparts in Afghanistan and Iraq:
1. Upon arrival: “Ok, Ahmed, Mohammed, whatever your name is, there’s a new sheriff in town — and you’re looking at him.”
2. Weeks later: “Colonel Localguy, Major Otherguy, please sit down. Here is a Powerpoint briefing on what you’re gonna do.”
3. Weeks more later: “Ok, I got it. I can be sensitive! So, colonel, this is what we are gonna do.”
4. Many weeks more: “Now that I am beginning to understand this place, this is what I think we should do.”
5. Months into the tour: “I’m at my wits’ end. What do you think we should do?”
6. Near end of tour: “Before we leave, is there anything I can do to help you achieve your goals?”
Repeat with each rotation until the American people tire of the war.
from Time - Link here
http://battleland.blogs.time.com/2012/05/01/how-u-s-commanders-deal-with-their-military-allies/#more-72877
We’re all familiar with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance.
Well, over at Best Defense, Tom Ricks has come up with a similar construct detailing the six stages U.S. military commanders go through in their dealings with their local counterparts in Afghanistan and Iraq:
1. Upon arrival: “Ok, Ahmed, Mohammed, whatever your name is, there’s a new sheriff in town — and you’re looking at him.”
2. Weeks later: “Colonel Localguy, Major Otherguy, please sit down. Here is a Powerpoint briefing on what you’re gonna do.”
3. Weeks more later: “Ok, I got it. I can be sensitive! So, colonel, this is what we are gonna do.”
4. Many weeks more: “Now that I am beginning to understand this place, this is what I think we should do.”
5. Months into the tour: “I’m at my wits’ end. What do you think we should do?”
6. Near end of tour: “Before we leave, is there anything I can do to help you achieve your goals?”
Repeat with each rotation until the American people tire of the war.
Out for the night
We were dressed and ready to go out for the Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night , so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, saying
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off,
so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
We were dressed and ready to go out for the Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night , so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, saying
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off,
so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Timmy!
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 1
- Points
- 430
Whenever I want to tell my kids where to go... I just crank up the speakers and play this video. They "usually" get the point after the first minute on repeat. :evil:
- Reaction score
- 1,406
- Points
- 1,160
VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND (Sure it was)
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."
- Reaction score
- 1,406
- Points
- 1,160
Sensible Observations
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.'
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey
4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry
6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice,
there should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, and they should have to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger
7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone--
8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien
9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery
10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni
11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson
12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
--Paul Rodriguez
13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned 60 and that's the law.'
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson
15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde
16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress (or a school board). But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain
17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan.'
--A. Whitney Brown
18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
-- Unknown ... presumed deceased
20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something
I believe I'll have another beer.'
--W. C. Fields
And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to 'Press 1 for English?'
--Every American
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.'
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey
4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry
6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice,
there should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, and they should have to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger
7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone--
8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien
9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery
10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni
11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson
12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
--Paul Rodriguez
13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned 60 and that's the law.'
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson
15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde
16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress (or a school board). But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain
17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan.'
--A. Whitney Brown
18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
-- Unknown ... presumed deceased
20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something
I believe I'll have another beer.'
--W. C. Fields
And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to 'Press 1 for English?'
--Every American
Oompah-Loompah@
Member
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
Told by a fellow private on BMQ pre-grad party...true story.
I saw a Captain walking down the street. On the opposite side, a Corporal walked past.
The Captain shouted across the street, ordering the Corporal to come over.
When the Corporal got over, the Captain started berating him for not saluting him.
The Captain ordered the poor Corporal to salute him 100 times.
"100 sir!"
"Dismissed Corporal!"
"Hold on a moment Corporal..."
Just as the Corporal was about to leave, the CWO watching the whole thing nearby spoke up...
"Now sir, please return the 100 salutes."
I saw a Captain walking down the street. On the opposite side, a Corporal walked past.
The Captain shouted across the street, ordering the Corporal to come over.
When the Corporal got over, the Captain started berating him for not saluting him.
The Captain ordered the poor Corporal to salute him 100 times.
"100 sir!"
"Dismissed Corporal!"
"Hold on a moment Corporal..."
Just as the Corporal was about to leave, the CWO watching the whole thing nearby spoke up...
"Now sir, please return the 100 salutes."
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
Drinking & Driving
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many martinis and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
:blotto: ;D
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many martinis and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
:blotto: ;D
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
PMedMoe said:
This brings a big smile and a memory from Pet in the early 90's. "No names no packdrill". :blotto:
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
Foam party at Eglin
A reddit user uploaded this photo of a hangar at Eglin Air Force Base, Fla., that had a rather unfortunate mishap. Reportedly, a spark set off the hangar’s fire suppression system, covering the A-10, F-15 and F-16 in foam. You can only imagine the fun the maintenance crew had cleaning up the mess.
http://militarytimes.com/blogs/flightlines/2012/05/15/foam-party-at-eglin/#.T7J8_VxNANQ.twitter
A reddit user uploaded this photo of a hangar at Eglin Air Force Base, Fla., that had a rather unfortunate mishap. Reportedly, a spark set off the hangar’s fire suppression system, covering the A-10, F-15 and F-16 in foam. You can only imagine the fun the maintenance crew had cleaning up the mess.
http://militarytimes.com/blogs/flightlines/2012/05/15/foam-party-at-eglin/#.T7J8_VxNANQ.twitter
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
GAP said:
Better a simple spark than a major flash methinks.
Similar threads
