More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
- Reaction score
- 1,404
- Points
- 1,160
I CAN REMEMBER MOST OF THESE:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside...I just finished cleaning.”,
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”,
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”,
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.”,
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”,
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”,
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”,
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”,
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”,
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”,
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”,
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”,
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”,
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!”,
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”,
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home.”,
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!”,
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”,
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”,
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”,
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”,
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father.”,
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”,
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”,
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
Only you folks my age understand these profound statements! But, there is one missing from this list. My personal all-time favorite!...
My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside...I just finished cleaning.”,
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”,
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”,
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.”,
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”,
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”,
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”,
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”,
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”,
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”,
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”,
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”,
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”,
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!”,
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”,
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home.”,
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!”,
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”,
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”,
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”,
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”,
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father.”,
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”,
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”,
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
Only you folks my age understand these profound statements! But, there is one missing from this list. My personal all-time favorite!...
My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
- Reaction score
- 2,849
- Points
- 940
Sadly, it doesn't seem confined to the Recruiting threads. :not-again:
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
The Ex-pat's Dilemma
I was in London....and
I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read
'I miss South Africa'.
So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read,
'I hope this helps'
I was in London....and
I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read
'I miss South Africa'.
So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read,
'I hope this helps'
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
The image is quite large, so here's the link: http://www.meh.ro/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/meh.ro9970.png (click on it for magnification)
:rofl:
:rofl:
F
fraserdw
Guest
jollyjacktar said:
Somehow I think he means the South Africa before marjority rule! I appreciate the humour though!!!
- Reaction score
- 2,849
- Points
- 940
Ohhhhhh, now I get it. Here I thought he was referring to a jigsaw puzzle atlas.....and the pieces south of Zimbabwe were missing.fraserdw said:
Thank you for helping us dullards along. :nod:
Shampoo Warning! You must read!
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!!
WARNING TO US ALL!!!
Shampoo Warning!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and
I am going to start showering with Dawn dish
soap instead. Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!!
WARNING TO US ALL!!!
Shampoo Warning!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and
I am going to start showering with Dawn dish
soap instead. Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!
- Reaction score
- 1,404
- Points
- 1,160
Transportation in Heaven
And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."
The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said, "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."
The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.
"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."
The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said, "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."
The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.
"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
- Reaction score
- 1,404
- Points
- 1,160
A joke from a woman's perspective.
Bagpiper
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a
homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service
was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back
country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were
eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being
late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and
the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else
to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no
family and friends. I played like I've never played before
for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace," the
workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept
together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was
full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the
workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Why can't men just ask for directions?
Bagpiper
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a
homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service
was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back
country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were
eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being
late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and
the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else
to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no
family and friends. I played like I've never played before
for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace," the
workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept
together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was
full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the
workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Why can't men just ask for directions?
Similar threads
