- Reaction score
- 2,849
- Points
- 940
I was going to post this in the Recruiting threads.... >
More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."
;D
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."
;D
SPAGHETTI
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum
of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she
stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum
of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she
stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
Timmy!
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 1
- Points
- 430
You May Be a Taliban, If ...
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
13. You list your occupation as dirt farmer.
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
13. You list your occupation as dirt farmer.
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
TN, funny. But I disagree with # 11. The one's I came in smelling distance of had not seen a bath in a couple of months. Stinky bastards.
- Reaction score
- 4,166
- Points
- 1,120
Stolen from another forum I frequent....
The following would be the reaction of different types of Canadian soldiers upon encountering a snake in a theatre of operations:
Paratrooper: Kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over the snake, giggles and looks for more snakes.
Infantry (RCR): “Look a putty cat. Come here kitty. Ouch! Hey that’s not a kitty cat.”
Infantry (R 22e R) : “Tabarnack! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake”.
Infantry (PPCLI) : Plays with the snake, then eats it.
Artillery: Kills the snake, but in the process, kills several hundred civilians with a massive time-on-target with three artillery brigades in support. Mission is considered a success, and all participants are awarded Orders of Military Merit (including cooks, mechanics, clerks, etc.)
Pararescue: Wounds the snake in the first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake’s life.
JTF 2: Expends all ammunition and several grenades and calls for a tactical air strike in a failed attempt to kill the snake. Snake bites the JTF 2 Commander and retreats to safety.
Air Force Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.
Canadian Ranger: Follows the snake and gets lost.
Sea King Pilot: Has GPS grid to snake. Can’t find snake. Has engine failure and barely makes it back to base. Goes to the Officer’s Mess for some sort of drink called “The Snake.”
Military Intelligence: “Snake? What? Where? Huh?”
Military Police: Arrests the snake, then spends two hours trying to handcuff it. Snake escapes.
Combat News Reporter: Sees the snake 200 meters away. Writes an in-depth article in “Maple Leaf” on snakes. Minister of National Defense reads the article and states that “Canadian Forces are better equipped to deal with snakes than they were in the Gulf War.” Then he cuts the military budget another 50% and gives large pay increases to senior officers.
The following would be the reaction of different types of Canadian soldiers upon encountering a snake in a theatre of operations:
Paratrooper: Kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over the snake, giggles and looks for more snakes.
Infantry (RCR): “Look a putty cat. Come here kitty. Ouch! Hey that’s not a kitty cat.”
Infantry (R 22e R) : “Tabarnack! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake”.
Infantry (PPCLI) : Plays with the snake, then eats it.
Artillery: Kills the snake, but in the process, kills several hundred civilians with a massive time-on-target with three artillery brigades in support. Mission is considered a success, and all participants are awarded Orders of Military Merit (including cooks, mechanics, clerks, etc.)
Pararescue: Wounds the snake in the first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake’s life.
JTF 2: Expends all ammunition and several grenades and calls for a tactical air strike in a failed attempt to kill the snake. Snake bites the JTF 2 Commander and retreats to safety.
Air Force Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.
Canadian Ranger: Follows the snake and gets lost.
Sea King Pilot: Has GPS grid to snake. Can’t find snake. Has engine failure and barely makes it back to base. Goes to the Officer’s Mess for some sort of drink called “The Snake.”
Military Intelligence: “Snake? What? Where? Huh?”
Military Police: Arrests the snake, then spends two hours trying to handcuff it. Snake escapes.
Combat News Reporter: Sees the snake 200 meters away. Writes an in-depth article in “Maple Leaf” on snakes. Minister of National Defense reads the article and states that “Canadian Forces are better equipped to deal with snakes than they were in the Gulf War.” Then he cuts the military budget another 50% and gives large pay increases to senior officers.
Timmy!
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 1
- Points
- 430
Taliban Porn Movie Titles
on 05.18.2011
Seal Team 6 not only found countless amounts of intelligence when they raided and killed Osama Bin Laden, they also found some of the hottest Taliban Porn movies the Middle East has ever seen. Here are some CIA leaked Taliban Porn movie titles.
Goatbusters
Jurka Jurka
The Squirt Locker
Backdoor Burka Babes
Talibuns
Debbie Does Abbotabad
Oral Qaeda
No Fatwa Chicks
9 1/2 Sheiks
IE-DDD
Suicide Bombshells 6
Behind the Green Burqa
1000 Arabians in One Night
Gilfs... Goat I‘d Like to FUCK!
Osama Bin Ga*gba*g
2 Burkas and 1 cup
Burka-Back Mountain
Jih*ad.
Tala bang bang
Whackistan lol
Weapons of Mass-turbation
Osama "the Hamster in his cave" Bin Laden
DD Mountains of Tora Bora
Searching the Desert for Camel Toe
Ali Baba and the 40 Beaves
She‘s the "Bomb"
Tokeback Mountains
Brokeback Cavern
5 Taliban 1 Cave
We have Cakefarts - Osama introduces Tandoori Farts
Weapons of ass destruction
Osama Bin Lov‘n
PackingStan
Raidin‘ Bunkers
8:11 - the 9/11 prequel
Osama Pakenherstan
on 05.18.2011
Seal Team 6 not only found countless amounts of intelligence when they raided and killed Osama Bin Laden, they also found some of the hottest Taliban Porn movies the Middle East has ever seen. Here are some CIA leaked Taliban Porn movie titles.
Goatbusters
Jurka Jurka
The Squirt Locker
Backdoor Burka Babes
Talibuns
Debbie Does Abbotabad
Oral Qaeda
No Fatwa Chicks
9 1/2 Sheiks
IE-DDD
Suicide Bombshells 6
Behind the Green Burqa
1000 Arabians in One Night
Gilfs... Goat I‘d Like to FUCK!
Osama Bin Ga*gba*g
2 Burkas and 1 cup
Burka-Back Mountain
Jih*ad.
Tala bang bang
Whackistan lol
Weapons of Mass-turbation
Osama "the Hamster in his cave" Bin Laden
DD Mountains of Tora Bora
Searching the Desert for Camel Toe
Ali Baba and the 40 Beaves
She‘s the "Bomb"
Tokeback Mountains
Brokeback Cavern
5 Taliban 1 Cave
We have Cakefarts - Osama introduces Tandoori Farts
Weapons of ass destruction
Osama Bin Lov‘n
PackingStan
Raidin‘ Bunkers
8:11 - the 9/11 prequel
Osama Pakenherstan
Timmy!
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 1
- Points
- 430
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 160
I recently found out my brother in law shaved his head in his teens. Just after that he applied aftershave.
Glacier Erasure
2010 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
Another account from the archives of a 30-year ER MD.
Article Link
In the late fall and early winter months, snow-covered mountains become infested with hunters. One ambitious pair climbed high up a mountain in search of their quarry. The trail crossed a small glacier that had crusted over. The lead hunter had to stomp a foot-hold in the snow, one step at a time, in order to cross the glacier.
Somewhere near the middle of the glacier, his next stomp hit not snow but a rock. The lead hunter lost his footing and fell. Down the crusty glacier he zipped, off the edge and out of sight.
Unable to help, his companion watched him slide away. After a while, he shouted out, "Are you OK?"
"Yes!" came the answer.
Reasoning that it was a quick way off the glacier, the second hunter plopped down and accelerated down the ice, following his friend. There, just over the edge of the glacier, was his friend...holding onto the top of a tree that barely protruded from the snow.
There were no other treetops nearby, nothing to grab, nothing but a hundred-foot drop onto the rocks below. As the second hunter shot past the first, he uttered his final epitaph: a single word, which we may not utter lest our mothers soap our mouths.
2010 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
Another account from the archives of a 30-year ER MD.
Article Link
In the late fall and early winter months, snow-covered mountains become infested with hunters. One ambitious pair climbed high up a mountain in search of their quarry. The trail crossed a small glacier that had crusted over. The lead hunter had to stomp a foot-hold in the snow, one step at a time, in order to cross the glacier.
Somewhere near the middle of the glacier, his next stomp hit not snow but a rock. The lead hunter lost his footing and fell. Down the crusty glacier he zipped, off the edge and out of sight.
Unable to help, his companion watched him slide away. After a while, he shouted out, "Are you OK?"
"Yes!" came the answer.
Reasoning that it was a quick way off the glacier, the second hunter plopped down and accelerated down the ice, following his friend. There, just over the edge of the glacier, was his friend...holding onto the top of a tree that barely protruded from the snow.
There were no other treetops nearby, nothing to grab, nothing but a hundred-foot drop onto the rocks below. As the second hunter shot past the first, he uttered his final epitaph: a single word, which we may not utter lest our mothers soap our mouths.
Similar threads
