OldSolduer
Army.ca Relic
- Reaction score
- 15,558
- Points
- 1,260
TN said:
I think its quite funny actually.
More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
I think its quite funny actually.
- Reaction score
- 1,407
- Points
- 1,160
Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to the bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, with a sense of pride and satisfaction she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
“ Hi darling” he says
“ Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom."
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, with a sense of pride and satisfaction she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
“ Hi darling” he says
“ Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom."
Timmy!
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 1
- Points
- 430
When the recruiter asks you why you want to join...
Jump up and down on the desk and scream..
"I want to kill, kill, kill!"
Jump up and down on the desk and scream..
"I want to kill, kill, kill!"
OldSolduer
Army.ca Relic
- Reaction score
- 15,558
- Points
- 1,260
When dealing with some (not all) officers who have "good ideas":
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. >
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. >
My bookkeeper got into the act,,,,,,,,,,,,this was her reply........
So – you gotta wonder who else she was doing to earn all that dough – do the math - $3,000,000 / 30 years = $100,000 per year / 365 days - $273.98 per day / $20 per session = 13.7 session per day and every day! She was a busy girl !!! J))
;D
So – you gotta wonder who else she was doing to earn all that dough – do the math - $3,000,000 / 30 years = $100,000 per year / 365 days - $273.98 per day / $20 per session = 13.7 session per day and every day! She was a busy girl !!! J))
;D
- Reaction score
- 1,476
- Points
- 1,040
On their wedding night, the young groom approached his new wife and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In her highly aroused state, she readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with her thinking that it was a cute way for him to afford incidentals that he needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, he was surprised to find her in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, she explained that her employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and she had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, she'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what she'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, her husband handed her a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then he showed her certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed her that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. He explained that for the more than three decades he had "charged" her for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of his savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, his wife was so astounded she could barely speak, but finally she found her voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot her. You know, sometimes, women just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. >
Arriving home around noon one day, he was surprised to find her in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, she explained that her employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and she had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, she'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what she'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, her husband handed her a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then he showed her certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed her that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. He explained that for the more than three decades he had "charged" her for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of his savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, his wife was so astounded she could barely speak, but finally she found her voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot her. You know, sometimes, women just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. >
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
Really, you could not make this stuff up. Love it. ;DPMedMoe said:And just when you thought your life was boring......
......you're ecstatic that it is. :nod:
- Reaction score
- 1,407
- Points
- 1,160
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but, there is an explanation, as told by a Newfoundlander!!!!!!
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ....
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but, there is an explanation, as told by a Newfoundlander!!!!!!
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ....
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
- Reaction score
- 1,407
- Points
- 1,160
Costco Doctor
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I wish I could see a doctor now without waiting forever at the urgent care walk-in."
"Listen, you don't have wait at the walk-in." Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot faster than seeing a doctor, and getting referred to a lab."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Costco!
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I wish I could see a doctor now without waiting forever at the urgent care walk-in."
"Listen, you don't have wait at the walk-in." Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot faster than seeing a doctor, and getting referred to a lab."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Costco!
Bluebulldog
Full Member
- Reaction score
- 152
- Points
- 680
During WWI, there was a lull in the fighting on the Wester Front.
A Canadian soldier tells his buddy: "You know, all Germans are called Hans. Watch."
He rises to the rim of the trench and calls out across no-man's-land: "Hey, Hans!"
Across the way, an German soldier stands up above the parapet and goes:"Ja?" and the Canadian shoots him.
Word spreads along the Canadian front and everywhere you hear: "Hey, Hans! Ja?" Bang!
So a German says to one of his buddies:
"Hey, Hans?
-Ja?
- All Canadians are called Smith. Watch."
So he call out across no-man's-land:
"Hey, Smith?
-Yeah, That you, Hans?
-Ja?"
A Canadian soldier tells his buddy: "You know, all Germans are called Hans. Watch."
He rises to the rim of the trench and calls out across no-man's-land: "Hey, Hans!"
Across the way, an German soldier stands up above the parapet and goes:"Ja?" and the Canadian shoots him.
Word spreads along the Canadian front and everywhere you hear: "Hey, Hans! Ja?" Bang!
So a German says to one of his buddies:
"Hey, Hans?
-Ja?
- All Canadians are called Smith. Watch."
So he call out across no-man's-land:
"Hey, Smith?
-Yeah, That you, Hans?
-Ja?"
Similar threads
