More and more funnies.. vol: something...
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OldSolduer
Army.ca Relic
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JMesh said:
Seeeee.....everyone said...."No way Jim...Zombies? Are you crazy" Well I tried to tell ya....but ya wouldna listen now would ya? (crazy Scots guy accent here)
- Reaction score
- 1,411
- Points
- 1,160
Boston Bruins commercials:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYDaZIYGSlY&feature=player_embedded
Others on page incl: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_su5JzMbsA&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYDaZIYGSlY&feature=player_embedded
Others on page incl: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_su5JzMbsA&NR=1
- Reaction score
- 1,411
- Points
- 1,160
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a good looking young lady about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked,
"Well babe, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked,
"Well babe, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
You've probably seen it, but it's good for a laugh . . .
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain... good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HARRROOOW!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND...
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain... good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HARRROOOW!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND...
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
- Reaction score
- 1,411
- Points
- 1,160
Golf
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Newfie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Newfie fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'
The Newfie said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?'
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Newfie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Newfie fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'
The Newfie said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?'
From The Manitoba Herald
by Clive Runnels
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified this
week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The results of
the recent election is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll
soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the
cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba
farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted
and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?â€
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the
liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so
much that they wouldn't give any milk.â€Officials are particularly concerned about
smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and
drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves." A lot of
these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said.
"I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice
little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that
they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being
made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some
have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription
drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como
and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age" an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an
organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry
for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident
said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
by Clive Runnels
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified this
week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The results of
the recent election is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll
soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the
cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba
farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted
and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?â€
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the
liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so
much that they wouldn't give any milk.â€Officials are particularly concerned about
smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and
drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves." A lot of
these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said.
"I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice
little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that
they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being
made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some
have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription
drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como
and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age" an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an
organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry
for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident
said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
@BorowitzReport
Andy Borowitz
Cutbacks have increasingly forced mental patients out of institutions and onto Twitter.
In 40 years America's number one industry will be tattoo removal.
Andy Borowitz
Cutbacks have increasingly forced mental patients out of institutions and onto Twitter.
In 40 years America's number one industry will be tattoo removal.
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
From a news article about the last Harry Potter movie.
10 magic spells we wish worked:
"Doofus Poofus" -- Makes Paris Hilton go away forever
"Trumpus Dumpus" -- Turns Donald Trump's hair into a steaming pile of ....
"Modicumo Rectumo" -- Reduces Kim Kardashian's bum to a reasonable size
"Gaga Googoo Go-go" -- Makes Lady Gaga stop doing stupid things
"Biebus Bobbus Croppus" -- Gives Justin Bieber a crewcut
"Stanley Cuppus Nativio Entrencho" -- Only Canadian teams ever win the Cup
"Exhalio Bellyo Expando" -- Makes The Hoff finally stop sucking in his gut
"Ex-facio Atrocious Avoidus" -- Makes aging stars stop butchering their beautiful faces (so what about the wrinkles and sags!)
"Severus Snoop" -- Recuts all eight Potter movies with Snoop Dogg as Severus Snape
"Abraca-pocus and Hocus-cadabra" -- Allows Bugs Bunny to turn Count Bloodcount into a half-vampire, half-bat.
;D
10 magic spells we wish worked:
"Doofus Poofus" -- Makes Paris Hilton go away forever
"Trumpus Dumpus" -- Turns Donald Trump's hair into a steaming pile of ....
"Modicumo Rectumo" -- Reduces Kim Kardashian's bum to a reasonable size
"Gaga Googoo Go-go" -- Makes Lady Gaga stop doing stupid things
"Biebus Bobbus Croppus" -- Gives Justin Bieber a crewcut
"Stanley Cuppus Nativio Entrencho" -- Only Canadian teams ever win the Cup
"Exhalio Bellyo Expando" -- Makes The Hoff finally stop sucking in his gut
"Ex-facio Atrocious Avoidus" -- Makes aging stars stop butchering their beautiful faces (so what about the wrinkles and sags!)
"Severus Snoop" -- Recuts all eight Potter movies with Snoop Dogg as Severus Snape
"Abraca-pocus and Hocus-cadabra" -- Allows Bugs Bunny to turn Count Bloodcount into a half-vampire, half-bat.
;D
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
PMedMoe said:
What?!? NO!!!!!! :'(
Should this spell be cast, I will not rest until I have found a counter-spell!! 8)
Gandolf Sandwich
ETA: If any Wizards/Witches, or any other kind of spell casters mess with this.....
Im'a burn your house down.
OldSolduer
Army.ca Relic
- Reaction score
- 15,566
- Points
- 1,260
PMedMoe said:
And a sense of how truly unimportant the pretentious little twerp is. Chances are he'll have a beer gut and be bald when he's 40.
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
Reading comments on CBC is almost as good as FailBook.
Came across this while reading the story about the RCMP shooting the "killer" black bear in B.C.
_________________________________________________________
Comment: A bear cull is coming.
With the Governmenst blessing.
It will most likely happen behind the scenes but it will happen.
There are two many bears.
_________________________________________________
Reply: two? As long as they only kill two I guess that's ok.
:rofl:
Came across this while reading the story about the RCMP shooting the "killer" black bear in B.C.
_________________________________________________________
Comment: A bear cull is coming.
With the Governmenst blessing.
It will most likely happen behind the scenes but it will happen.
There are two many bears.
_________________________________________________
Reply: two? As long as they only kill two I guess that's ok.
:rofl:
211RadOp
Sr. Member
- Reaction score
- 15
- Points
- 230
SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
KnightShift
New Member
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
A little while back my wife and I were at the grocery store getting jam for some cookies she was baking. As she was studying the jam/jelly section, she turns to me and asks: "What's the difference between jam and jelly?". Needless to say she didn't appreciate the response >
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
TK-421 said:A little while back my wife and I were at the grocery store getting jam for some cookies she was baking. As she was studying the jam/jelly section, she turns to me and asks: "What's the difference between jam and jelly?". Needless to say she didn't appreciate the response >
What was it?
The infamous 'I don't know'?
KnightShift
New Member
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
RemembranceDay said:
It can go a couple of different ways, but follows the basic formula outlined below:
"I can't jelly my (insert appendage here) up your (insert orifice here)"
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