More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
Ultimate Dog Tease
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw
- Reaction score
- 1,414
- Points
- 1,160
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have sand wedge. 'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '$1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have sand wedge. 'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '$1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
Thank you Rifleman, I needed a laugh today.
- Reaction score
- 1,414
- Points
- 1,160
A variation of an old one:
THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2'', strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff''s Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have what you might call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"Great attitude. You pass." said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2'', strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff''s Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have what you might call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"Great attitude. You pass." said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
Rifleman62 said:
Nice...
- Reaction score
- 1,414
- Points
- 1,160
The old one, gender changed:
It's down to three supremely fit, motivated, intelligent and very tough women to get the last position in the JTF2.
The three have passed with ease every test, physical and mental, thrown at them
Interview time.
The first candidate, Antonia, enters the interview room, sits down opposite the guy behind the desk.
"Alright, you passed all the tests with ease". He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " For this final attitude test, go into the next room. Your husband is in there, Kill him!"
In horror, Antonia hollers " No, no, no. We are newly weds just starting our life together".
Fail the interviewer shouts.
The second candidate, Petra, rushes into the interview room, sits down across the guy behind the desk.
"Petra, you passed everything we threw at you". He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " How badly do you want this position? This is final attitude test. Go into the next room. You will find your husband in there. Kill him!"
Petra jumps up and screams " The father of our children, the love of my life? Why kind of people are you to ask that?"
Fail the interviewer screams.
The third and final candidate, Erica, swaggers into the interview room, sprawls in the chair across from the guy behind the desk.
"Erica, I am going to cut to the chase. All of our tests you easily sailed through. One last test to get in". He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " Get into the next room. Your husband is in there. Kill him!"
Stunned, the interviewer sees Eric jump up and storm into the room. Nine quick shots are heard. Sounds of bodies smashing into walls, screams, curses.
Erica staggers out, hair tangled, bloody, torn clothing. The interviewer is astonished, speechless!
Erica shouts "Blanks, god damn fricken blanks. What assshole put blanks into the weapon. Couldn't kill him with the 9mm. Had to strangle the *******. I'm in, right? He's dead. Dead is dead!"
It's down to three supremely fit, motivated, intelligent and very tough women to get the last position in the JTF2.
The three have passed with ease every test, physical and mental, thrown at them
Interview time.
The first candidate, Antonia, enters the interview room, sits down opposite the guy behind the desk.
"Alright, you passed all the tests with ease". He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " For this final attitude test, go into the next room. Your husband is in there, Kill him!"
In horror, Antonia hollers " No, no, no. We are newly weds just starting our life together".
Fail the interviewer shouts.
The second candidate, Petra, rushes into the interview room, sits down across the guy behind the desk.
"Petra, you passed everything we threw at you". He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " How badly do you want this position? This is final attitude test. Go into the next room. You will find your husband in there. Kill him!"
Petra jumps up and screams " The father of our children, the love of my life? Why kind of people are you to ask that?"
Fail the interviewer screams.
The third and final candidate, Erica, swaggers into the interview room, sprawls in the chair across from the guy behind the desk.
"Erica, I am going to cut to the chase. All of our tests you easily sailed through. One last test to get in". He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " Get into the next room. Your husband is in there. Kill him!"
Stunned, the interviewer sees Eric jump up and storm into the room. Nine quick shots are heard. Sounds of bodies smashing into walls, screams, curses.
Erica staggers out, hair tangled, bloody, torn clothing. The interviewer is astonished, speechless!
Erica shouts "Blanks, god damn fricken blanks. What assshole put blanks into the weapon. Couldn't kill him with the 9mm. Had to strangle the *******. I'm in, right? He's dead. Dead is dead!"
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
Jeanne Beker
Contributing editor
In one of the most sartorially satisfying instances of making lemonade out of lemons, the highest eBay bid on the much-heckled, Philip Treacy-designed headpiece that Princess Beatrice wore to her cousin’s wedding last month topped $30,000at the end of Thursday.
The astonishing style objet, already lionized by Canadian artist Charles Pachter in one of his signature moose paintings, has had critical tongues wagging for weeks and inspired a series of satirical photoshopped images which have gone viral.
Compared to everything from a padded toilet seat to an antiquated I.U.D., the hat in question raised eyebrows and dropped jaws when it first surfaced outside Westminster Abbey. Many, including the Star’s Heather Mallick, saw it as a blight on style propriety, and described it as a “door knocker surrounded by an octopus in strangely Fallopian death throes.”
But to me, Bea’s bonnet was a stroke of genius, a metaphor for the potential power of fashion, and an outlandishly brave creation whose time had definitely come.
http://www.thestar.com/living/fashion/article/994267--the-power-of-fashion
Contributing editor
In one of the most sartorially satisfying instances of making lemonade out of lemons, the highest eBay bid on the much-heckled, Philip Treacy-designed headpiece that Princess Beatrice wore to her cousin’s wedding last month topped $30,000at the end of Thursday.
The astonishing style objet, already lionized by Canadian artist Charles Pachter in one of his signature moose paintings, has had critical tongues wagging for weeks and inspired a series of satirical photoshopped images which have gone viral.
Compared to everything from a padded toilet seat to an antiquated I.U.D., the hat in question raised eyebrows and dropped jaws when it first surfaced outside Westminster Abbey. Many, including the Star’s Heather Mallick, saw it as a blight on style propriety, and described it as a “door knocker surrounded by an octopus in strangely Fallopian death throes.”
But to me, Bea’s bonnet was a stroke of genius, a metaphor for the potential power of fashion, and an outlandishly brave creation whose time had definitely come.
http://www.thestar.com/living/fashion/article/994267--the-power-of-fashion
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
Rifleman62 said:
:rofl:
HORRIBLE!,
But funny!
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
@_scottreid
Scott Reid
If the world doesn't end today, I may need to ask a few of you to delete your voicemail without checking. #honestlastwords
Scott Reid
If the world doesn't end today, I may need to ask a few of you to delete your voicemail without checking. #honestlastwords
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
Angry Beaver???
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/angry-beaver-roams-n-w-t-town-184453296.html
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/angry-beaver-roams-n-w-t-town-184453296.html
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
Just something I came upon:
Conversations With Bert: Andy Samberg, Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxg113O_SRI&feature=channel_video_title
Conversations With Bert: Andy Samberg, Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxg113O_SRI&feature=channel_video_title
- Reaction score
- 1,414
- Points
- 1,160
Some of you younger folks here will not understand this humor. Q & A.
Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When, done, you have a place to live..
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where is it?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .."
Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"
Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When, done, you have a place to live..
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where is it?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .."
Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"
- Reaction score
- 27,567
- Points
- 1,090
Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga with a public service announcement.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRybEjxCfFM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRybEjxCfFM
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position.
When asked why she left her last employment she replied, "Sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’
Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’ And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’ I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise’.
Another lady was talking about protecting her honour. And, two ladies were talking and one said, ‘Now it’s my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.’
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!’"
;D
When asked why she left her last employment she replied, "Sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’
Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’ And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’ I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise’.
Another lady was talking about protecting her honour. And, two ladies were talking and one said, ‘Now it’s my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.’
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!’"
;D
- Reaction score
- 1,414
- Points
- 1,160
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”
“What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly.
“No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”
“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.
She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”
“What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly.
“No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”
“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.
An Air Man, a Sailor, a Marine, a Soldier, are walking in Iraq. They see a mud hut sitting on the horrizon. The soldiers want to set up a defensive perimiter, the Airforce wants to rent it for 4 years, the Navy want to paint it, and the Marines want to blow it up.
:deadhorse:
:deadhorse:
- Reaction score
- 1,414
- Points
- 1,160
Battle at F-Stop Ridge
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awq90APEVgw
Well Done.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awq90APEVgw
Well Done.
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
Photo was taken by my F-15 comrades guarding the airspace for launch. Thanks to all that you and all our military members sacrifice for our country!
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