Merged Quotes and Sayings Thread; some useful, some junk

[JBP]

A GREAT one from a recruiting Sgt and 2i/c of PAT Pltn of the Linc's+Winks.

"What? WHAT??? Did you just speak? GET TO ATTENTION when you talk to me! If I wanted your f*cking opinion I'd GIVE IT TO YOU Private!!! As for the rest of you, I'd like to dismiss the notion that the army is a democratically run organization..."

I almost sh*t myself when he said that! It was sooooo funny but SOOO true!!!

Another one from my RHLI Section Commander Sgt:

"You bunch of loosers look like sh*t! Your worth nothing to me right now, useless! Your like a bunch of poopy-flavoured lolly pops, fuc*ing useless!"... In regards to our drill performance on our first PO check...

Lol...

 

[Queens Hussar]

It must be something very memorable as in it was very funny, absurd, etc during your military career.

Keep it short and sweet. Also, no names, unless the person being quoted doesn't mind.


Several quotes all from the same guy:

Right people listen in Im the Camp Sergeant Major and my job is rubbish!!!!

Ok pin your eyes back and listen in!!!

Right men we are about to march onto the grass, you wont hear your feet so click your fingers!!!!

Said by Mad Frank the Camp Sergeant Major!!! 1998 at Batus

(Remarks with sexually connotations removed by Moderator)

 

[redleafjumper]

A favorite of a Lt (now Major) that I worked with:  "The bullets ain't flying and nobody's dying."

"You guys look like three privates with a leave pass" (Where do you wanna go, I dunno, what do you wanna do...)

"You have three minutes, soak, soap, rinse and out!"

"You're about as dangerous as a second lieutenant with a compass."

"Why did you not stop at the booth for the critique of your exit private?"  "Uh, no particular reason sergeant!"
"OK, then give me 25 push-ups for no particular reason."

 

[Danjanou]

Redleaf, remember the orientation training in M Coy. 

M/Cpl running us through 84mm refresher training:

"Baby carriage with crying infant at 300m....engage"

 

[c_canuk]

pte Bloggs... I have identified your problem, you have these big ___ feet and they are always in your mouth!"

 

[Pte. Bloggins]

Kingston. CFSCE. My 3s.

Instructor upset because troops were fooling around in classroom. Meant to express his dissatissfaction at this, as well as give us considerable warning as to what would happen if this ever occured again.

What he meant to say was "jerking around."

What he actually said was "IF I EVER FIND ANYONE ELSE JERKING OFF IN THE CLASSROOM AGAIN..."


Sign which I noticed in one of the classes, and always found very amusing:

Are you bored? Looking for new friends? Recognition? Excitement? a change of pace?
Then, go ahead! Lose a classified document!


Heard over the radio on 3s field ex:
All stations this is monitor, do not answer, there will be no more urination in your dets, anyone caught doing so definetely will have concequences to pay. Out.

Ah, sig op humour.

 

[BernDawg]

I heard another one from the franco crse warrant in Gagetown of urban legend fame.

"You troops tink you sweat now... I make you SWEATER!!

And a couple that I've heard on ex.

"55 this is 55c fast air is over my position nnnnnnnnnow, over"

"55e this is 55, send locstat over"
"55,55e umm er it's all flat on the map over" (said call sign was lost in the badlands in Wainwright)

I used this one on a taller soldier on my a pre-ISCC during an inspection.
"Look at your F****n' boots - Ha,There's lint on your beret!"
Although I don't think I can take credit for using it first.

 

[PPCLI MCpl]

Sometimes I feel like a spent casing on the range of life....

 

[mainerjohnthomas]

While making conversation supervising our PT early in basic the course WO was talking to one of the attractive female recriuts
"So private ******, how many of these bucks have asked to marry you?"
a perky voice chirped up "None Warrant!"
a floored WO muttered in disgust "Good god, its finally happened, they're ALL gay!"

 

[from darkness lite]

I love this one - have no idea if its true or not.  Back in the mid-80's while I was attending PPCLI Battle School this story went through my platoon...

During the Platoon Warrants inspection the WO stopped in front of one of the troops and pointed his pacestick into the Pte's chest and said "There's a piece of sh*t at the end of this stick troop!!"  To which the very ballsy Pte said "Not at my end Warrant!!"

The WO left immediately, apparently trying really hard not to laugh.

True or not, I loved it.

Cheers  

 

[chrisf]

A few personal favorites of mine...

Heard during a first aid class...

"What's so funny about carpet burns? I get them all the time..."

While standing sentry with nothing more then C7s..

"Hey, how do I stop a LAV?"
"Um... politely?"

During an NBCD class...

"How do you check the seal on your gas mask?"
"Um... you make a sucking motion?"


(Remarks with sexually connotations removed by Moderator)

 

[Gouki]

from some recruit on my res. BMQ:

recruit: So, if the bolt is partially forward, do I just keep trying to fire it until it clears?"

---

(when on the range during a break with same recruit)

recruit (talking to myself and the other recruit next to her): So the firing pin strikes the middle of the back of the bullet?
me: pretty much
recruit: I wonder how much pressure it needs? (at this point she actually has a live round in her hand and is hoisting it up and about to slam it on the stock of the C7)
me and the other recruit: WHAT THE HELL

I really wish I was joking about that. I understand that a lot of people are clueless about firearms - but wtf is wrong with someone when they think slamming the P. cap of a live round against a hard surface is a great thing to do?

---

My all time favourite is when we were doing drill outside in the parking lot. We had a box formation around our drill instructor who was showing us the different ways of saluting etc. When we were standing at attention, one recruit kept visably staring at some other guy on the other side .. like, twisting his head and everything. The instructor, a former member of the Airborne Regt. basically ran up to his face and yelled

"Why do you keep staring at him!? Are you gay?? Do you want to HUMP him!?"

At least 10 or 11 people, myself included, tried to not laugh without much luck and some chuckles got through. He wasn't happy ..

 

[SprCForr]

Scotty Nicholson to Spr Morin (of the Carpiquet Barracks bombing fame) after returning from AWOL (30 days in Amsterdam) prior to going to jail: ..."The cat is too old to be fu**ed by the kitten..."

In pre-PC days on the pde sq in CFRC Cornwallis. Our backs were turned to a female (Gold) Pl doing drill a ways off. Our Sgt was doing some checking so it was fairly quiet and the other DS could be heard clearly. The females were being taught to stand to attention and he was very obviously not happy and was getting more cranky by the minute, when it was heard clearly..."I don't know what your fu**ing problem is with this movement! We will do it again and this time I want to hear 40 c**ts sucking wind!..."

Tp WO during a briefing: "...and I want every swinging dick in this troop to..."
"Uhh, WO? we have two females now."
"As i was saying, I want every swinging dick and both love buttons in this troop to..."

Two Cpls in Tp Stores talking about an unsatisfactory Sapper: "That fu**ing guy is a disease. We should kill it before it spreads"

During 84mm trg it was stressed that the Carl G. round was very sensitive because of its fuzing. Especially misfires as the round could function at any moment and were we to be very gentle with it if we had to unload. Later while practicing the drills, as you are aware, the number 2 is to repeat what the number 1 says. As the drill for a misfire progressed the following was heard.

#1: "Misfire! unload!"
#2: "Misfire! unload the damn thing yourself! I aint touching it!"

the instr was not amused. 300 push ups later, Sapper X stopped being a comedian and carried out the drills properly. Trouble is every time I had to do the drill or heard it being done since that time I always heard him in my mind saying "unload the damn thing yourself! I aint touching it!". lol

Kit layout inspection: "The Mk 1 mod 0 eyeball is the least properly used instrument you possess!"

About fellow students on course: "That fu**ing guy is a waste of rations (or oxygen, or skin, pick one)"

 

[Kat Stevens]

Remember Morin's excuse for bugging out?  " WO Nicholson told me to fu*k off, so I did."  Priceless

CHIMO,  Kat

 

[Spr.Earl]

Kat what ever happned to Scotty?

Onother W.O. Smith.

The first time I met Joe Smith.
"I'm Joe Smith and I'm a Jew"
All's I said "Thats nice and I'm Catholic" and he roard and we became the best of friends ah those were the day's when I was Bummy's Bum Boy and we had a real Army with out all the P.C. Crap and excepted what we humans are like and we are still the same.

 

[Steel Badger]

Anti-freeze=slang for alcohol.

MP Urban Legend, usually told along the lines of a young MP receiving a polite reprimand for disregarding protocol from a non-MP who is of higher rank, followed by the following as a rebuttal:

"Sir, don't confuse your rank with my authority..."

And..of course, when said provost decides that his position allows him to determine field tactics / dress and deportment ...or just generally throw his / her / its weight about.....

"Don't confuse your authority for my rank"..

 

[RatCatcher]

The one that keeps comming to mind for me is my JLC/JNCO in Pet back in 1998, our Pl WO was an ex-jump gunner and obviously wasn't good with computers. His quote for all problems: "That is BADDDDDD DATA!"

And nobody from that year can forget the good ol' CSM of Leadership Coy.... if you had glasses...."listen here f******* goggles...."

 

[Thompson_JM]

on my 3's in borden we had a couple good lines,

on maintaining the MLVW Winch. "and remember when your cable gets dirty, to properly clean it you just run it through a greasy box"

on the proper way to DI an HLVW

"Remeber to give your moving parts a good physical Tug"

aahhh CFSAL.....

 

[Bomber]

"I'm not going to flog a horse to death"  By far the best when someone tries to say it, but it is their first time, so it comes out a little screwed.

 

[SuperTrooper]

My favorite to the troops, always in a funny sarcastic way

you'll be busier then a one legged man in a a$$ kicking compition.

you'll be busier then a whore on nickel night

I can not believe that you were the fastest sperm to make it

you are the poster boy for a condom add, stop unwanted pregnancy's

your a meatrocket

are you meat gazing me troop?

come here you little turd burglar

Sgt V