Merged Quotes and Sayings Thread; some useful, some junk

[AFireinside13]

While we were learning to march in November 05,
SGT- " HOLY F*** TROOPS!! FIX THAT ABORTION!"


MCPL- That's harder to find than a Mute Supermodel Nymphomaniac.


One troop, who I was standing beside, had his pants down on the parade square fixing himself, no tunic, no beret, and our course officer walked by. The troop proceeded to salute the officer and yelled "group!". The officer just stops, looks at him, and says " I'm not even going to touch that one, you there (pointing at me), tell him why he's a retard" as he walks away.

 

[Kat Stevens]

Yeah it fired...not sure if it functioned as intended.  It may not have been the RV92 one, but I remember seeing one fire, land, sit there for 30 minutes until the intrepid sapper ran out with some safety fuse and a det...then it functioned 

Ah, yes, the venerable Silent Viper.  Saw it fired four times, saw it function as advertised once. 8)

 

[Danjanou]

Oh yeah the one on RV 85 was a dud in front of bleechers full of assorted brass. Said Brit RSM agfter chatting this piece of wunder kit up for weeks and general mocking Canadians (moi excepted) declined to put an appearance in the mess that night 8)

 

[SprCForr]

Kat, you got that right. Much to do about nothing. For some reason I'm thinking it was TK's that functioned or he was the one to BIP the dud. I thank Drew (RIP) for keeping me away from that thing.

"Stand back, we're from the School!"  ;D

 

[Kat Stevens]

It was TK and "rhymes with farmit"  that came from the school for the big show.....I think it was TK to the rescue on that one.  If I remember right, the only one I saw function properly was in Germany..... Helmets on, Germany story.... :warstory:

 

[mcchartman]

This is a quote I hear far too often to my liking, but for those who don't know it it can be pretty funny:

"Is the colour of blood brown? Because if it is, I'm badly wounded!"

It's one of those that my grandpa likes to repeat and which he might have picked up in the few years he spent in the Canadian Navy. Come to think about it, maybe I should ask him where exactly he got it from...

 

[mainerjohnthomas]

When getting my 404's on the Iltis, when I looked puzzled at the large complex green control for the lights the Mcpl instructor informed me:
"With this control you must turn the lights on in daylight, because the army is concerned about your safety, and with this control you can turn the lights off at night, because the army wants you to be especially safe at night." 
    Whats funniest about that quote is that it is actually true.  I love the army

 

[Thompson_JM]

When getting my 404's on the Iltis, when I looked puzzled at the large complex green control for the lights the Mcpl instructor informed me:
"With this control you must turn the lights on in daylight, because the army is concerned about your safety, and with this control you can turn the lights off at night, because the army wants you to be especially safe at night." 
     Whats funniest about that quote is that it is actually true.  I love the army

Theres no Irony Like Army Irony...

 

[CommonSenseNCO]

Another Quote from this fine man:
"There are 2 ways off this course, you can MacPass or MacPhail!"

"Quote from WO Ron MacPhail (PPCLI) during a drill lesson - "You people better get it together, or I‘ll you all running laps around the parade square, til you fall thru your a_sses and hang yourselves".

Try keeping a straight face after that! Needless to say, we ran a few laps around the parade square.

 

[CommonSenseNCO]

True story, from the '60s:  Almost every evening a station would come on the air and the user would just blow, twice, into the mic.  A few seconds later another station would come up and someone would tap either once or twice, two times, and then, just like the first "unknown station", disappear.  It drove the CO and the Ops O and, especially, poor old Pronto, mad.  There were occasional diatribes from 9 and 0 trying to stop these people - all to no avail.

The other classic response  to this is "> these means are not inflatable, out!"

-"Those are'nt dust bunnies. Their dust rhinos"
38 Bde "dust buffaloes"

-"In the Field, and especially in a Battle, there would be no saluting.  If someone had captured a senior officer and brought him/her back, the proper compliments would be made.  If one was on a visit to........say China, and in uniform, it would be proper to salute an 'enemy' officer, as it would if the encounter were at the UN in New York.  So in the end....yes it would be proper......just depends on the situation."
Espescially after they  had surrendered

Some remnants:
Yup! I'll yup ya one private!"

The army is a metaphor for life. Life is manifestly unfair. Well get Pte Bloggins to explain that to you, he's been to school.

"After we pull the pin Mr Grenade is not our friend"

"Some days you're the windshield, today, Private, you're the bug"

"The Sarge called me into his office to ask me some questions. He started by saying that he wanted me to know this wasn't a witch-hunt. Thats when I knew it was a witch-hunt"

"We're not docking the MIR space station here troops"

"Watching you do that is like watching a monkey with a revolver. I'm not sure just how it's gonna turn out, just that it's not gonna be good"

"What did you form that beret around, an Iltis?"

"This isn't rocket surgery troops"

"Silence! common sense man!"

"Where logic ends the army begins"


>"That guys a head case.

>I heard that.

>Well, I didn't say it quiet!"


"Are you trying to ruin our beautiful friendship?"

"What did I just tell you about different?"

"Show me your crazy eyes! Okay not so good, put them away for now."

"This bunk looks like the shroud of Turin"

"I'm gonna have you charged with theft, for stealing this dirt from the ranges and hiding it in you rifle"

"Good troop, works hard, not to bright. Works well when cornered like a rat and everyone is watching"

"You are having delusions of adequacy"

"I'd follow you anywhere, sir, but just out of morbid curiosity"

"Sets low standards and fails to acheive them"

"Since last interview has hit rock bottom and begun digging"

"You are slower than molasses moving uphill in January"

"Has the Sarge been by to tell you what a good job  you've been doing? No? Do you wonder why?"

"You put the 'E' in Idiot!"

"Were you talking to me private? I'm sorry i wasn't able to hear you over the wind whistling between your heels!"

South Vietnamese army:
"Artillery too close, artillery too close, but very nice. Keep firing!"

WO "Cpl why are you dragging that chain across the floor?"
Cpl "'Cause it's a bugger to push, sir!"

WO "Cpl Bloggins"
Cpl "Sir!"
WO "Cpl Smith"
Cpl "Sir"
WO "Cpl Jones"
Bdr "that's Bombardier WO!"
WO "Cpl, Bdr same $#!+!"
Bdr "Sure thing PO."

 

[pronto]

Hey CommonSense NCO:
Re: Unknown callsign prank... If you know who it was, 'fess up!



Pronto

 

[GO!!!]

Use your initiative - Don't anticipate the word of command!

 

[K_Johnston]

Not really a secret here, but the Spetsnaz still pride themselves on being able to use their sharpened spades as oversized throwing knives.  A few Paras in my unit have "dissapeared" to random supply divisions, or rear line staff positions.  One returning Senior Sergeant showed off this skill with a spade, by hitting a target at 40 metres on the pistol range with his nicely sharpend spade.
Sgt: Like what they teach us "supply" troops?
Me: Now answer me honestly....when the hell does that come in useful?
Sgt: I imagine it has its moments.
Me: Like when exactly?  So you can get rid of it before they make you fill sandbags?
(To this day Im not sure where that particular skill sees much use in the age of silenced firearms :-\, although as he said, it must have its moments)

 

[Canadian.Trucker]

A soldier is walking across the parade square hands in pockets when the RSM sees him from his office.
RSM: Hey, you there, HEY YOU!
Soldier: What?
RSM: Don't what me, do you know who I am?
Soldier: No.  Do you know who I am?
RSM: No.
The soldier grabs his headdress and sprints away.

One of my favourite quotes that I overhead one of my Sgt's telling his section:
"Troops do you know why it's raining?  No?  God is crying because you're not meeting the standard, that's why."

 

[Hot Lips]

A soldier is walking across the parade square hands in pockets when the RSM sees him from his office.
RSM: Hey, you there, HEY YOU!
Soldier: What?
RSM: Don't what me, do you know who I am?
Soldier: No.  Do you know who I am?
RSM: No.
The soldier grabs his headdress and sprints away.

One of my favourite quotes that I overhead one of my Sgt's telling his section:
"Troops do you know why it's raining?  No?  God is crying because you're not meeting the standard, that's why."

god if I ever get to some form of training it will be just my luck that it will rain the whole time...and that Sgt will be around or one of his fledgelings  :rofl:

HL

 

[bison33]

Many moons ago,while in the 3rd herd (3 RCHA) during a parade rehersal on a rather cool day......here's the story.....

I was having dental work done and had an appliance (a retainer) I wore during the day. Just got it so it was hard to talk clearly for a bit, til I got used to it. The RSM was ragging on us as RSM's do....Something caught his eye in our general direction and he came over to me, ragging me out for something...I never replied so he repeated himself....I tried to reply by saying "No Sir" but it came out like "Nahh.....sure"
Well...he jumped a frigging mile and jammed the butt end of his pace stick, well actually his walking stick with a huge brass end almost in my face and bellowed...."You see this gunner? I'll shove this so far up your arse, you'll have the biggest gold tooth in NATO. I'll fuc king "sure" you." Well....didn't know if I should laugh or crap myself....did neither but it was hard keeping a straight face, I'll tell ya. But when one of my buddies snickered, the RSM forgot all about me in a hurry ;D

 

[Shamrock]

Ahhh... the radio.

Once, in the throes of a particularly slow bde ex, had a loader confuse IC with Radio and ask, "Kenny, which rat do you want?"  About fifteen minutes later, the radio crackled and on came the SSM, "Well, Kenny.  Don't keep the whole combat team in suspense... which one is it?"

-----

During my PLQ, I was the only tanker on course.  Nontankers are generally surprised at our abilities to project our voices and maintain a steady, coherent flow of words.  Most of my sectionmates took some time to adjust to the voice of a professional being housed in my body.  However, prior to my hard-assessed drill class, I was moved to a different section and proceeded to execute my class well.  Until...

"For ease of learning blah blah blah..." I went on, and one of the teeny-tiny females let out a teeny-tiny sneeze.  Without pause I said, "Gesundheit #3." and resumed my lesson.

Anyone who's ever done any junior leadership knows how comical the whole scene is. This was no different.  The entire section was walloped with giggle dust and wasn't stopping.  Even my assessor found humor in the sit.  I, being the cool, calm, rational individual I am sought a logical and sensible solution to a potentially deteriorating situation. 

"From the right, number!  Odd numbers left, even numbers riiiiiiiight turn!  STILL THINK IT'S (dirty word)KING FUNNY?  LAUGH IT OFF NOW, (dirty word)HOLES!"

My assessor returned about fifteen minutes later still wiping tears from his  eyes.

-----

Prior to leaving the regs, my last PDR was written by a particularly sarcastic yet well intentioned soul.  He knew that it was my last PDR and wanted to exercise his creative license in it.  He called me a b-tard.  In his defence, it was creatively and amusingly worded.

In and of itself, a nice little joke.  Ha ha, I'm a b-tard.  However, I recently decided to leave the reserves and return to the regs.  Said PDR was read by the recruiter and came up during my interview (by an Air Force Captain).

"I'm concerned about this PDR, the one where MCpl X calls you a b-tard.  Why would he do that?"

"A joke, nothing more (better explanation during the interview)."

"Okay, so he called you a b-tard as a joke... and yet you want to go back into the combat arms.  Why?"

"So I can write that b-tard's PDR."

-----

Oh, and how could I forget, the thing that most sticks in my mind of my service...

"Not guilty."

 

[GUNS]

When you do right, no one remembers.
When to do wrong, no one forgets.

 

[Signalman150]

Ya know, I grant you I didn't hear this one when it was originally uttered, but the story was told to me by the man who uttered it:  my father.  In August of 1939 my father was talking to a bunch of his friends, and boasted:

"If there's a war, there's goin' to be two people not in it.  Me, and the guy looking for me."

Two weeks later war was declared, and my father joined the RCAF.  He spent three years in England, and 25 in the RCAF. 

 

[Devlin]

My Plt. WO to a bunch of freshly graduated troops with shiny new 404's in their pockets.


"Listen up troops this Mcpl. So and So and he has more miles going backwards in these vehicles than you are ever going to have going forward, so keep your mouths shut and your ears open."

Not 20km into the road move one of the new troops rolls the unit's new MILCOT.

The speach was repeated many many times... ;D