More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
A lesson in irony...
The Food Bank Program, administered by Social Welfare Canada, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.
This ends today's lesson!
The Food Bank Program, administered by Social Welfare Canada, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.
This ends today's lesson!
OldSolduer
Army.ca Relic
- Reaction score
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GAP said:
Amen brother.
- Reaction score
- 1,401
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IRS tax return rejection
I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied:
12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.
and 1 useless President.”
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?
I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied:
12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.
and 1 useless President.”
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children:
Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the ne wspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, You don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
.
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children:
Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the ne wspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, You don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
.
Suicide Bomber Gets Shot Out Of a Cannon At a Drone, Misses
Article Link
ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN (The Global Edition) — Due to a lack of funding by major terrorist organizations, a shadowy militant group attempted to take down a U.S. drone by firing out one of its suicide bombers from an actual cannon directly at it, near the capital of Pakistan earlier this week, sources say.
The attempt of a group calling itself the Al-Poorah Front resulted in a complete failure as the marksmen missed the drone and blasted 18-year-old Ashur Abu-Khalid into a nearby building, causing serious injuries to young Pakistani and a minor damage to the building.
The group issued a statement recorded on a VHS tape and then uploaded via dial-up to their Livejournal page: “This was a message to all the big terrorist organizations out there so they can see our willingness and dedication to fight the infidels,” read a distorted voice, with black text scrolling across a white screen and Islamic chanting playing in the background.
The distorted voice also said that the “terrorist game isn’t really easy for poor countries who don’t have any special outside funding, but they are looking and willing to talk with foreign investors so they can organize proper terrorist attacks like plane takeovers with bomb wired vests, so they don’t have to waste any more valuable men by firing them out of old cannons at silly drones.”
The Al-Poorah Front has claimed past attacks through statements posted on militant websites, taking credits for such acts as “throwing a rock through a window at a NATO base”, “Letting the air out of tires of U.S. soldiers’ vehicles, then scratching them with keys” and most notorious of all “burning an American flag in a dark and deserted alley”.
end
Article Link
ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN (The Global Edition) — Due to a lack of funding by major terrorist organizations, a shadowy militant group attempted to take down a U.S. drone by firing out one of its suicide bombers from an actual cannon directly at it, near the capital of Pakistan earlier this week, sources say.
The attempt of a group calling itself the Al-Poorah Front resulted in a complete failure as the marksmen missed the drone and blasted 18-year-old Ashur Abu-Khalid into a nearby building, causing serious injuries to young Pakistani and a minor damage to the building.
The group issued a statement recorded on a VHS tape and then uploaded via dial-up to their Livejournal page: “This was a message to all the big terrorist organizations out there so they can see our willingness and dedication to fight the infidels,” read a distorted voice, with black text scrolling across a white screen and Islamic chanting playing in the background.
The distorted voice also said that the “terrorist game isn’t really easy for poor countries who don’t have any special outside funding, but they are looking and willing to talk with foreign investors so they can organize proper terrorist attacks like plane takeovers with bomb wired vests, so they don’t have to waste any more valuable men by firing them out of old cannons at silly drones.”
The Al-Poorah Front has claimed past attacks through statements posted on militant websites, taking credits for such acts as “throwing a rock through a window at a NATO base”, “Letting the air out of tires of U.S. soldiers’ vehicles, then scratching them with keys” and most notorious of all “burning an American flag in a dark and deserted alley”.
end
- Reaction score
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- Points
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One-question IQ Test
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.' If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now.
(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer).
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.' If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now.
(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer).
- Reaction score
- 1
- Points
- 230
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
Sigs Pig said:
Good catch, love that Amazon humour. 300+
- Reaction score
- 1,401
- Points
- 1,160
Listen to this actual radio gun ad in Texas . It's only a minute long - stay on, it gets better at the end. Keller's Riverside Gun Store in Mason , Texas . This is a real commercial ad.
http://biggeekdad.com/2011/10/kellers-riverside-store/
http://biggeekdad.com/2011/10/kellers-riverside-store/
Retired AF Guy
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
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Rifleman62 said:
I'm betting they don't have Human Rights Committees/Commissions in that part of Texas.
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
He is at least up front about his intentions and customer base. I expect no less from a Texan.Rifleman62 said:
A very funny story I found a while ago. Likely fake but still makes me laugh.
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations10-10-95.
Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.
Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations10-10-95.
Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.
Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.
- Reaction score
- 2,849
- Points
- 940
zulu95 said:
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp
- Reaction score
- 6,080
- Points
- 1,160
Journeyman said:
Not to mention how many times it's been posted on this site.
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