More and more funnies.. vol: something...

[George Wallace]

Captain Spends 13 Hours Coming Up With Cool Operation Name, 15 Minutes Planning Mission


Hmmmmm?  Could it be too close to the truth?

 

[GAP]

Guarantee you'll never go on a blind date again

http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_videos/the_blind_date.shtml

 

[Sythen]

Not sure if this has been posted before, but I can't stop laughing at it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVSBtivbUs4&feature=youtu.be

 

[The Bread Guy]

.... from Santa's marketing "Brand Book" attached - the writing suggestions (slide 13) should look familiar to anyone who's had their writing "edited by committee".

 

[PMedMoe]

From Failbook:

:rofl:

 

[Journeyman]

      :nod:

 

[s2184]

This is my personal experience, not that funny:

Yesterday evening I dropped off My cousin's family at Pearson Airport as they left for overseas.

By the time I was about to say good bye to them, and gave them hugs I was giving my niece & nephew little advises.

I told my niece to be nice with her mom & not to yell at her as much as she can. Because, I had noticed at their house in couple of instances how bad she was talking to her mom.

Before I finished my words, she started defending her stand and asked me: "Ok, well. Don't you ever yell at your mom? Do you all the time agree with your mom and let her to do whatever she wants?"

I was speechless, because I never expected she was going to take me as an example to defend her position.

I wanted to say "come on man, I am 18 years older than you and your mom is nineteen years younger than my mom".

But, she had started to move away ignoring my advises and her brother gave me a weird look as he was the one next in line to receive my advise. ;D

Even though I was kind of embarrassed by her response, I told about this conversation to her dad when we were returning from the airport.

He laughed & told me the boy was not that smart to talk like his sister. Then, he started justifying her stand gladly as he had hard time winning arguments over his wife. :facepalm:

I am not sure if I was smart like my niece at her age now 18yrs ago.

 

[CougarKing]

LOL 'fast rope delivery'
>

 

[George Wallace]

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Feed him 2. Sleep with him 3. Leave him with peace 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs) 5. Don't bother him with his movements So whats so hard about that ?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY It's really not too difficult but.... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a plumber 10. a mechanic 11. a carpenter 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. Go shopping with her 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. give her lots of attention 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.
BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT 53. never forget *birthdays *anniversaries *valentine *arrangements she makes. —

 

[PMedMoe]

 

[cupper]

It's a bad indictment of the eduction system when even auto correct says screw it, you are on your own.

 

[brihard]

It's a bad indictment of the eduction system when even auto correct says screw it, you are on your own.

Autocorrect is just a bored lackey at the NSA screwing with you in real time...

 

[PMedMoe]

It's a bad indictment of the eduction system when even auto correct says screw it, you are on your own.

You know you can turn off auto correct, right? 

 

[George Wallace]

TOO Fast.....Too Furious.....TOOOOOO FUNNY

 

[cupper]

You know you can turn off auto correct, right? 

I had mine committed to the asylum long ago when I realized it was a product of today's free language system.

Type 3 letters and it comes up with suggestions that don't even have those 3 letters in any of them.  : My dogs have better language skills than that. :nod:

And don't get me started on that dumb ass Siri!

 

[cjette1]

Here's a short joke (not intended to offend anybody)

A baby seal walks into a club....

 

[Journeyman]

Here's a short joke (not intended to offend anybody)

A baby seal walks into a club....

If that's the standard of one-liners......

This guy with a premature ejaculation problem just came out of nowhere.......

 

[Yrys]

This guy with a premature ejaculation problem just came out of nowhere.......

:crybaby:

God !

VERY good one  :nod:

:snowman:

... and Merry Christmas to you

 

[Rifleman62]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[CougarKing]

What next? Will China next lay claim to the moon, citing a conveniently discovered document saying that their ancient treasure fleets went as far as the moon?  :

China Declares Lunar Defense Obliteration Zone

The Lunar Defense Obliteration Zone, according to newly appointed space minister Wu Houyi, “will protect China’s core interests and interplanetary sovereignty.” All foreign spacecraft, satellites, comets and space debris must notify China before passing through or into the zone.

Due to orbital complications, the boundaries of the LDOZ will shift daily in accordance with the position of the moon relative to its sovereign power. China’s Ministry of Space has issued diagrams of the shifting boundaries, dubbed “the lasso.”

Many countries have disputed China’s ability to establish such a zone, but Chinese officials are adamant about the country’s claim to Earth’s only natural satellite.

“The moon will retain full autonomy,” Wu told reporters on Thursday, “and will continue to orbit the Earth as normal under the ‘One Country, Two Circumgyrating Bodies’ system.”

So far, the LDOZ has received widespread support from the public and government-issued propaganda posters have cropped up around Beijing and Shanghai bearing the slogan “China Dream, Moon Dream.”

As America and Russia are expected to dispute the territorial boundaries, Chinese scientists, according to leaked classified documents, are investigating the feasibility of striking an obsolete satellite to trigger a chain reaction of space debris that will orbit the earth every 90 minutes, preventing all access to the LDOZ.

http://www.miniharm.com/2013/12/07/china-declares-lunar-defense-obliteration-zone/