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Winner.... Gangant 
More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
Retired AF Guy
Army.ca Veteran
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For those with a problem with math:
- Reaction score
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Hell hath no fury...
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
(INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS .
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
(INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS .
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
A union boss decided to visit a house of ill repute in Las Vegas.
He found a place of his liking, and asked the madam "is this whore house unionized?."
She replied, "it is not".
He then asked, "well how much do you get, and how much does the girl get?"
The madam replied" I get 80% and the girl gets 20%".
"20%!" the union boss yelled, "That is unjust, unfair, and I will not have any part of this establishment!"
So off to another house of ill repute he went, and soon he found a place that proudly advertised that it was a unionized house.
Upon entering the union boss asked the madam, "I am glad this is a unionized house, but tell me, how much do you make, and how much does the girl get?"
"Well," the madam replied, " I get 20% and the girl gets 80%."
" That is more like it!, exclaimed the union boss. " I really like the hot little red head sitting on the couch, I want her!"
" I am sure you do", the madam said, " but Helga, (pointing to a large hairy 60 something she-beast), has seniority."
He found a place of his liking, and asked the madam "is this whore house unionized?."
She replied, "it is not".
He then asked, "well how much do you get, and how much does the girl get?"
The madam replied" I get 80% and the girl gets 20%".
"20%!" the union boss yelled, "That is unjust, unfair, and I will not have any part of this establishment!"
So off to another house of ill repute he went, and soon he found a place that proudly advertised that it was a unionized house.
Upon entering the union boss asked the madam, "I am glad this is a unionized house, but tell me, how much do you make, and how much does the girl get?"
"Well," the madam replied, " I get 20% and the girl gets 80%."
" That is more like it!, exclaimed the union boss. " I really like the hot little red head sitting on the couch, I want her!"
" I am sure you do", the madam said, " but Helga, (pointing to a large hairy 60 something she-beast), has seniority."
Retired AF Guy
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
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- Points
- 1,160
For all you cat lovers:
Retired AF Guy
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 924
- Points
- 1,160
cupper said:>
Reagan's home could become a parking lot for Obama's library
http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/bill-kellys-truth-squad/2013/jan/25/reagan-home-become-parking-lot-obama-library/
I don't see anything funny about this. Shouldn't it be in the forum dealing with American politics?
Eye In The Sky
Army.ca Legend
- Reaction score
- 3,780
- Points
- 1,160
A married couple is travelling by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the cheque book, he asked his wife to write the cheque. She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the cheque book, he asked his wife to write the cheque. She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
- Reaction score
- 13
- Points
- 530
http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/8b001e2db1/super-bowl-faqs-everything-you-need-to-know?playlist=featured_pictures_and_words
(Kind of reminds me of senior members trying to expain things in the recruiting threads--probably to me also
)
Q: Who's playing in this year's Super Bowl?
A: That's your first question? I know it's a good starter, but really you should not be relying on Funny or Die for this information. Some suggestions: ESPN.com, literally anywhere else. But if you must know, it's the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49ers.
Q:Wait, the Patriots aren't playing in the game?
A: Correct. You'll have to get your glimpse of Tom Brady by periodically taking out the picture of him you keep in your wallet. Every day is the Super Bowl when you keep that pretty face close by.
Q: I know nothing about those teams. What are Baltimore and San Francisco known for?
A: The Wire and Riceroni, respectively.
Q: I meant the teams. What should I know about them?
A: Ah yes. The 49ers team were built around their stout defense, until coach Harbaugh inserted talented backup QB Colin Kaepernick into the lineup, making them a force on both sides of the ball. The Ravens also relied on their tenacious defense, until coach Harbaugh fired their offensive coordinator late in the season, shaking things up.
Q: Wait, are both coaches are named Harbaugh or do they have one coach for both teams?
A: Ugh, do I have to explain everything to you?
Q:Yes, that's how this works.
A: Ye tha how thi worrrs.
Q: It's hard to tell on paper, but did you just repeat what I said, but in a mocking, mentally-challenged voice?
A: You're the mentally challenged.
Q: Fine. What about Ray Lewis? Seems like there's a lot of controversy surrounding that guy.
A: Not sure what you're getting at, he's a great human being who deserves every accolade he's received. Good things happen to good people.
Q: I couldn't tell if you were being sarcastic so I read his Wiki. Pretty messed up.
A: Hey, just because his limo was covered in blood that night and the suit he was wearing disappeared, doesn't mean he did anything wrong. Haven't we all lost a blood-soaked sock in the dryer?
Q:I don't think this is the same? He's so revered in everything he does. I know there's inconclusive evidence, but it seems odd that we've moved past all that. People go nuts for that dance of his.
A: You mean his murder dance? Sorry, his accomplice to murder dance. It's actually a very good dance! Say what you want about Ray Lewis (snazzy dress, accomplice to murder, etc), there's no doubt the guy's got moves.
Q: What about the Super Bowl commercials? Anything we should be on the lookout for this year?
A: Yes. That friend of yours who says things like "I only watch for the commercials." He is not your friend. Nor should he be anybody's friend. In fact, he should never talk again.
Q: Does GoDaddy have one this year?
A: As long as there are women who would like to be paid to objectify themselves, then yes.
Q: Do I have to make a snarky joke to my friends when it comes on, but then secretly love every second of it?
A: That's the deal we all signed on for.
Q: Since I don't know much about football, is there anything I can say at the Super Bowl party to make it look like I know what I'm talking about?
A: Yes. Say things like "More and more evidence is showing the effect that professional football is having on the brains and mental states of these players. Let us not forget that these are human beings who are sacrificing their lives to entertain us." Say that. Trust me, it will go over like gangbusters.
Q: Thanks. Anything else? Should I partake in what the media deems important. Like how they're calling it the "Harbowl?"
A: I want no part of that. This correspondence is over.
(Kind of reminds me of senior members trying to expain things in the recruiting threads--probably to me also
)Q: Who's playing in this year's Super Bowl?
A: That's your first question? I know it's a good starter, but really you should not be relying on Funny or Die for this information. Some suggestions: ESPN.com, literally anywhere else. But if you must know, it's the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49ers.
Q:Wait, the Patriots aren't playing in the game?
A: Correct. You'll have to get your glimpse of Tom Brady by periodically taking out the picture of him you keep in your wallet. Every day is the Super Bowl when you keep that pretty face close by.
Q: I know nothing about those teams. What are Baltimore and San Francisco known for?
A: The Wire and Riceroni, respectively.
Q: I meant the teams. What should I know about them?
A: Ah yes. The 49ers team were built around their stout defense, until coach Harbaugh inserted talented backup QB Colin Kaepernick into the lineup, making them a force on both sides of the ball. The Ravens also relied on their tenacious defense, until coach Harbaugh fired their offensive coordinator late in the season, shaking things up.
Q: Wait, are both coaches are named Harbaugh or do they have one coach for both teams?
A: Ugh, do I have to explain everything to you?
Q:Yes, that's how this works.
A: Ye tha how thi worrrs.
Q: It's hard to tell on paper, but did you just repeat what I said, but in a mocking, mentally-challenged voice?
A: You're the mentally challenged.
Q: Fine. What about Ray Lewis? Seems like there's a lot of controversy surrounding that guy.
A: Not sure what you're getting at, he's a great human being who deserves every accolade he's received. Good things happen to good people.
Q: I couldn't tell if you were being sarcastic so I read his Wiki. Pretty messed up.
A: Hey, just because his limo was covered in blood that night and the suit he was wearing disappeared, doesn't mean he did anything wrong. Haven't we all lost a blood-soaked sock in the dryer?
Q:I don't think this is the same? He's so revered in everything he does. I know there's inconclusive evidence, but it seems odd that we've moved past all that. People go nuts for that dance of his.
A: You mean his murder dance? Sorry, his accomplice to murder dance. It's actually a very good dance! Say what you want about Ray Lewis (snazzy dress, accomplice to murder, etc), there's no doubt the guy's got moves.
Q: What about the Super Bowl commercials? Anything we should be on the lookout for this year?
A: Yes. That friend of yours who says things like "I only watch for the commercials." He is not your friend. Nor should he be anybody's friend. In fact, he should never talk again.
Q: Does GoDaddy have one this year?
A: As long as there are women who would like to be paid to objectify themselves, then yes.
Q: Do I have to make a snarky joke to my friends when it comes on, but then secretly love every second of it?
A: That's the deal we all signed on for.
Q: Since I don't know much about football, is there anything I can say at the Super Bowl party to make it look like I know what I'm talking about?
A: Yes. Say things like "More and more evidence is showing the effect that professional football is having on the brains and mental states of these players. Let us not forget that these are human beings who are sacrificing their lives to entertain us." Say that. Trust me, it will go over like gangbusters.
Q: Thanks. Anything else? Should I partake in what the media deems important. Like how they're calling it the "Harbowl?"
A: I want no part of that. This correspondence is over.
- Reaction score
- 13
- Points
- 530
More sad than funny, really...
http://www.ctvnews.ca/entertainment/anne-of-green-gables-gets-blonde-makeover-in-new-cover-1.1145610
Anne of Sweet Valley High?
Perhaps Amazon wasn't aware red pigtails are as much a part of Anne Shirley's identity as is her imagination and her gift of gab.
It will be interesting to see how they deal with the fallout of featuring a blonde Anne of Green Gables on the cover of a new 'Three- in One Set' collection of the classic novels by Lucy Maud Montgomery.
The collection is published by CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform -- which is owned by Amazon and sold on the site.
Calgary blogger Mike Morrison writes: 'Today will forever be known as the day the g****r died.' Josie Leavitt pleads with all publishers to 'please design the cover after you've read the book.'
There's certainly no shortage of opinion on the cover, judging from the reaction on Twitter
http://www.ctvnews.ca/entertainment/anne-of-green-gables-gets-blonde-makeover-in-new-cover-1.1145610
Anne of Sweet Valley High?
Perhaps Amazon wasn't aware red pigtails are as much a part of Anne Shirley's identity as is her imagination and her gift of gab.
It will be interesting to see how they deal with the fallout of featuring a blonde Anne of Green Gables on the cover of a new 'Three- in One Set' collection of the classic novels by Lucy Maud Montgomery.
The collection is published by CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform -- which is owned by Amazon and sold on the site.
Calgary blogger Mike Morrison writes: 'Today will forever be known as the day the g****r died.' Josie Leavitt pleads with all publishers to 'please design the cover after you've read the book.'
There's certainly no shortage of opinion on the cover, judging from the reaction on Twitter
- Reaction score
- 27,526
- Points
- 1,090
For anyone who has a daughter.
http://youtu.be/87K4mjkTHKE
http://youtu.be/87K4mjkTHKE
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
One day, in a synagogue, the cantor asked to meet the counsil.
-I might have to leave this place and find another job, he said, claiming that his income was too low.
-But there is so much I can do, replies the rabbi. The income for this synagogue is pretty low itself.
After much debate, the baker and the butcher agreed to feed the cantor and his family for free, and the tailor to make good clothes for cheap. Then one woman arises.
-You can sleep with me Mondays, Wendsdays and Fridays.
Everyone in te room looks at her in a disturbed way.
-Why would you sleep with me? the cantor asks.
-When Iasked my husband what we could do to help you, he told me "screw the cantor".
-I might have to leave this place and find another job, he said, claiming that his income was too low.
-But there is so much I can do, replies the rabbi. The income for this synagogue is pretty low itself.
After much debate, the baker and the butcher agreed to feed the cantor and his family for free, and the tailor to make good clothes for cheap. Then one woman arises.
-You can sleep with me Mondays, Wendsdays and Fridays.
Everyone in te room looks at her in a disturbed way.
-Why would you sleep with me? the cantor asks.
-When Iasked my husband what we could do to help you, he told me "screw the cantor".
- Reaction score
- 2,849
- Points
- 940
- Reaction score
- 13
- Points
- 530
Q: What do Mike Duffy and Anne of Green Gables have in common?
A: They're both fictional residents of PEI.
A: They're both fictional residents of PEI.
WELFARE OFFICE
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by
15 kids.
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?" "Yep, they all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well,' says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy."
In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"
Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a running. An' if'n I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stops. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I calls them by their last names."
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by
15 kids.
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?" "Yep, they all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well,' says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy."
In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"
Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a running. An' if'n I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stops. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I calls them by their last names."
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