More and more funnies.. vol: something...

[211RadOp]

A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked "Why?"
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist said "Lord have mercy! That's against the law! Absolutely not!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[Old Sweat]

THE PORCH


              A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

            "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

              Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

              The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

              The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

              "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

              The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

              A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

              "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

              "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."  Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and
handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

              "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[Rheostatic]

I know what I'm buying for Secret Santa.

 

[Thompson_JM]

One of my troops made this:

This is just Freeking Awesome!  ;D

 

[Rheostatic]

This is just Freeking Awesome!  ;D

That infantryman bears a striking resemblance to someone I've had the pleasure of working with.

 

[CEEBEE501]

Reddit got blocked on US Military computers this week 

 

[211RadOp]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and being told that there was a fortune in horse racing , He decided to purchase one and enter him in the races, however at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had baught one he may as well enter him in the races. To his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the race sheets carried the headline ...

....... Preachers ass shows....

The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time it won...The next say the paper read...

........Preachers ass out in front.....

The bishop was so upset by this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races.....The newspaper printed the headline....

.......Bishop scratches preachers ass.......

This was to much for the bishop so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent....The headline in the paper read...

.......Nun has best ass in town......

The bishop fainted, He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for ten dollars... The paper stated...

........Nun peddles ass for ten bucks...

.........They buried the bishop the next day.

 

[RememberanceDay]

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."

2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."

3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."

4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."

5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."






1. I am  in the military , I have a problem. This is the first step to
recovery...

2. Speech:

•Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
•Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout, get used to it.
•"F *ck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
•Grunting is not talking.
•It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
•People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC

3. Style:

•Do not put creases in your jeans.
•Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
•A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
•A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
•So does a low reg, but not as bad.
•A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
•you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:

•Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
•Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
•Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:

•In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
•Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
•How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
•The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:

•In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
•That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
•That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter

6. Bodily functions:

•Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
•The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
•You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is
•VD will also not be funny

7. The human body:

•Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

8. Spending habits:

•One day, you will have to pay bills
•Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
•Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
•One day you will need health insurance

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):

•Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

10. Real jobs:

•They really can fire you.
•On the flip side you really can quit.
•Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
•Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
•Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800

11. The Law:

•Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
•Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't,in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
•Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
•Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:

•You can in fact really say what you think about the Primer in public.
•Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
•They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
•Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.

 

[Journeyman]

•Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.

      :rofl:

 

[Timmy!]

•Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

So doing the flying squirrel on my PLQ is fine... but is not ok on Civvy side? Gssh.

 

[PMedMoe]

A list of excuse notes written by parents (the sad thing is, these are real):  Spelling left intact.


1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels..

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She haddiahredyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

 

[vonGarvin]

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Hey, John could have been in a pretty wicked fight!  ;D

 

[PMedMoe]

Too funny!

 

[RememberanceDay]

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Always" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!

The ammo you need "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.

A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.

The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.

There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.

There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.

Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.

Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.

Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?

The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.

Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.

The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.

The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.

If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.

No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.

No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.

No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

LEAST CREDIBLE SENTANCES-

The check is in the mail.

The trucks will be on the drop zone.

Of course I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.


Law of Supply:You get the most of what you need the least.

There is no limit to how bad things can get.

 

[PMedMoe]

Doctor at a health conference asked the audience, "Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding cake.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

One Sunday morning, the Devil himself rampages into a small country church, and sends the parishoners and pastor fleeing for the hills. Except for one old man on the front pew.

The Devil comes over to him and says, "Do you KNOW who I AM!"

The old man replies, "Yep"

"You realize I could drag you down to an eternity of fiery torment RIGHT NOW!?"

"Yep"

"And you aren't scared of ME?!"

"Nope"

"...Why not??..."

"Been married to yer sister for 58 years"

 

[vonGarvin]

A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with four mothers. "You all have obsessions,". To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating and even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money and named your child Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and you named your child Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving...

 

[Journeyman]

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

That's not a law of combat; it is, however, a law of redheads.  :nod:

 

[GAP]

Student:

Professor, how long should our answers be for the short answer section?


Professor

Hmmm....Approximately the length of woman's skirt....I'd say..

Student:

Huh?


Professor:

Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep it interesting....

 

[PMedMoe]

 

[GAP]

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