What to do- Avor's Journey

[Avor]

Hi Avor; how are things with you?

Getting better, but more messed up than I realize sometimes. Like when I went to the pool and nearly died. First off, the nerves in my left foot are realy messed up, so getting in and out of the pool the bumbs on the pool ladder felt like needles. Then the hot tub, before all this I could have lived in one, but now I barely lasted three minutes before I felt sick. Then the elavator broke so I had go up 4 flights of stairs, at the end of I threw up.

I went to the eye doctor last week and he siad my sight is improved from last time, so maybe ovver enough time I can get decent sight back. And today I heard from my assisting officer that some people at regimental HQ were asking how I was doing, wich is good because I want to heal up and get back to the army.

 

[Takeniteasy]

Thanks for your update Avor; there are many of us out here who are thinking about you and wish only the best for you.

Duty With Honour

 

[leroi]

Thanks for your update Avor; there are many of us out here who are thinking about you and wish only the best for you.

Duty With Honour

Yes, wishing you the best Avor !

 

[Avor]

Today's  appointment,

Urologist- I think the reason you're having to go so offten is that you are constipated, and it's pushing against your bladder.
Me- So my problem is that I'm full shit, great,

Then when I told my mom she said "Fucking knew it"

 

[leroi]

Today's  appointment,

Urologist- I think the reason you're having to go so offten is that you are constipated, and it's pushing against your bladder.
Me- So my problem is that I'm full shit, great,

Then when I told my mom she said "Fucking knew it"

:rofl:

Sounds like your getting your sense of humour back. That's good to see. You'll fit right in with the rest of the characters that hang around here. ;D

 

[Avor]

I need a bit of advice/help, or just need to talk about it.

I'm feeling a little lost, because since I was grade four I knew I wanted to be a soldier. My understanding was limited, but I knew that there was evil, and what it could and did do when good people stand aside and allow it to.

Since that time almost everything I did was in the pursuit of that objective, I studied as much history as I could, everything from dairies, every history book I can find, and my favourite, accualy talking with vets. I spend so much effort on learning about war I started to have contant nightmares.

By the time I was ready for the army I knew with absolute certainy what my very purpose in life was, to defend all that is innocent, just and good. To make the world a better and safer place. Never waivering, never fearfull and never selfish. To go to what ever point that is needed, to go where even angels fear to tread.


But now I don't know, I feel like a ship at sea in the darknes, no light house to guide me. I use to know every thing, all the big questions were answered, I knew what I was suppose to do, why I was here, I even knew what the what would happen after I die. Now because of this  cancer, I have lost all abillity, and thus all purpose and knowledge. I just don't know what I'm suppose to do, what to think.

Maybe this some sick twist of fate, or kind of test, to see if I can find a non-violent way to  make the wrold a better and safer place. Maybe I can go back to volunteering, or if I get better enough join the local Search and Resque.

But realy distrubs me, as a civy or army, is I don't think I can ever get use to being this weak. I use to reherse in my head how I would re-act if I drove up on a car wreck, or house fire. I always knew I would be willing to run into a burning house, but know I can barely walk, much less run. Ir realy gets to me that I am now unable to save someone in one of those situations.

 

[ENGINEERS WIFE]

Avor

Even though I have not commented on your thread yet, I have been following it closely.  While I have never been in you situation, so I cannot say what I would do in your situation. And I am sure that your emotional journey can be as tough as the physical one. 

But, having said that, being a soldier is what you do, not who you are.  You still posses all the qualities that made you want to become a soldier and make this world a better place, just your physical body is not cooperating at the time.  Just because you can't swoop in and 'save the day' in a way that you thought you would, doesn't mean it can't be done in other ways.

My definition of a hero is someone in an adverse situation feels the fear, but still moves forward to do the right thing!  Right now you are feeling the fear and when you are ready, I have no doubt that you will move forward.  Because, that's what heroes do!!  And you, my friend, are one. 

And even though you may not be feeling it right now, I have faith in you and even heroes need help once in awhile.

 

[GUNS]

Avor,
I can only imagine your frustration, it has to be difficult not being able to fulfill your dream.  Wearing the uniform is only a part of being a soldier. How you act when not in uniform is being a soldier as well.  You can still help others, even without the uniform.

Depending on your physical abilities, you can volunteer. I am a volunteer driver for the Cancer Society, I volunteer at a hospital helping people who have medical conditions that limit their mobility.  I will be helping out at the Veteran's Pavilion shortly and when my son leaves for overseas shortly I will put in some time down at the MFRC.

There are plenty of options out there, some having to do with the military and some with nothing to do with the military.  You have to choose what is best for you. Worst thing to do is dwell on your present situation. I speak from experience on that part.  Although my treatments never removed all the cancer on my liver, it was greatly reduced and today it has not grown any bigger.

I like to think that my military background was the reason I decided to carry on as if nothing ever happened. I have to admit that there a days that my medical condition rules the day but those type of days are far and few.

Avor, try and stay busy. It will be beneficial to you in the long run. Look around at your options and be the soldier you always wanted to be, with or without the uniform.

Take care

 

[Avor]

But, having said that, being a soldier is what you do, not who you are.

Honestly, it feel like the other way around.  Ever since I was two, protecting others has been my idendity, who and what I am. I've been thinking, and it realy goes back to when I was two. I was standing behind my baby sister as she pressed on the screen, I tried to grab her but I failed and she fell from a second story window, head first onto cement.

With that as my earliest memory, this attitude of duty, honour and protection of others is all I've ever felt and known, it is who and what I am.

The problem goes beyond the lose of purpose, confidence and direction, I have lost my identity, who and what I am. I feel empty, or like my soul has taken a wound.

Because, that's what heroes do!!  And you, my friend, are one. 

The key word is "do", and I have done nothing.




Thank you all, but in the end I have to deal with all this on my own, and over time.
I have to get better, I cannot live a future where I am already dead on the inside.

 

[GUNS]

Avor,  wars are not won easily. One must first win the many battles within that war in order to succeed.

From your last post, you seem to have given up on your first battle.

Avor, I have been fighting battles ever since being told of my medical problem and I will continue to fight.

When I drive cancer patients to their treatments, I know from observation, which one have the desire to survive and those who are only going through the motions.

The worst part of driving cancer patients is when the patient after completing their first few treatments, tells me not to bother picking them up any more.

These patients, though far and few, have decided not to fight the first battle for their life.

All I can say is think of your family who suffers just as much as you. Think of all your friends who want you to beat this.

If you do not want to do it for yourself then do it for your family.

Avor, you have to dig in.

 

[Avor]

Avor,  wars are not won easily. One must first win the many battles within that war in order to succeed.

From your last post, you seem to have given up on your first battle.

How do you figure?

 

[Takeniteasy]

Hi Avor; here is a link to a storey that you may like to read. I can tell you straight up that you are not alone. 

http://www2.canada.com/comoxvalleyecho/news/story.html?id=6f659431-398f-416b-a212-aa3a672acbea

 

[Avor]

Had a meeting with an officer today, paperwork/medical disclousure about a medical discharge.

Anyways, my choices, agree with the doctors and be released. Or try to argue that I should stay in. If they release me, the most important thing is that I can re-apply, take my time and realy heal up right. Or I can be a defient bastard, work my balls off, get a letter the cancer specialist saying I will be kicking ass in a year.

But my status is always changing. ups and downs, and of course my vision is still up in the air. It makes it hard to judge.





And GUNS, I want an answer, how have I given up?

 

[Takeniteasy]

Hi Avor; we have not heard from you in awhile. How are things your way?

 

[Avor]

Hi Avor; we have not heard from you in awhile. How are things your way?

Things are not good. The pain my back is worse, I have unine track problems, my vision is still messed up,  and the nightmares are getting more common.

 

[leroi]

Well Avor, that doesn't sound good at all.

I hope it's a temporary set back.

I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes but I sure do admire your strength of spirit.

Canada needs good and brave people like you to fight the good fight both at home and away.
I know you're a fighter because even through adversity, you've inspired others by sharing your story. :yellow:

I think you're a person who would never give up or  :whiteflag:  even when you feel like this: :brickwall:

That's why you're a person I'd always choose to have on my team ;D

:cdnsalute:

 

[kratz]

For every challange, for each setback and each time you reach that moment. Know you have support. Keep strong and keep going, we are with you.

 

[Bruce Monkhouse]

I hope you have a good birthday.

 

[leroi]

Hello Avor,

How are you doing?

We've missed hearing from you on the forum.

 

[Niteshade]

Hi Avor, I hope you are doing well and things are looking up.

I missed reading your updates; how are things?

Best, Nites