Things not to say in the CF...

[The Bread Guy]

Sergeant (on inspection): Why are you laughing? Do you think I am funny?
Stupid troopaloop: Yes Sergeant.

Ah, the "no right answer" question.....

SGT:  (Insert complaint of choce here) - do you love me, private?

Iteration 1:
Recruit:  No, Sergeant!
Sgt:  After all the sweat and hard work I put into making you a soldier?  You ingrate - give me x pushups!

Iteration 2a:
Recruit:  Yes, Sergeant!
Sgt:  Well, you are shit outta luck, because I'm just not your type, private - give me y pushups!

Iteration 2b:
Recruit:  Yes, Sergeant!
Sgt:  Well, maybe this will distract you from your love affair - give me z pushups!

Iteration 2c involves homo-erotic references, so I won't go there in a public forum....

 

[benny88]

Ah, the "no right answer" question.....

SGT:  (Insert complaint of choce here) - do you love me, private?

Iteration 1:
Recruit:  No, Sergeant!
Sgt:  After all the sweat and hard work I put into making you a soldier?  You ingrate - give me x pushups!

Iteration 2a:
Recruit:  Yes, Sergeant!
Sgt:  Well, you are shit outta luck, because I'm just not your type, private - give me y pushups!

Iteration 2b:
Recruit:  Yes, Sergeant!
Sgt:  Well, maybe this will distract you from your love affair - give me z pushups!

Iteration 2c involves homo-erotic references, so I won't go there in a public forum....

How bout: "I love you as a Sergeant, Sergeant."? 

 

[George Wallace]

Course Officer teaching one of the Lectures on ERYX AT Missile.

During "Questions to Class" no one answers.

Offr:  " Come on.  This isn't Rocket Science."

Cpl:  "As a matter of fact, Sir; it is."

Officer pauses.  Thinks.  Sends howling students out for a smoke and then leaves classroom, not to return.

 

[Redeye]

My personal favourite - during questions from the class in any lecture, in particular the one that sticks in my head was a young artillery officer cadet during a lecture on Laws of Armed Conflict, which may have been taught by Mortar Guy (read: it was).

OCdt Dropshort: "Sir, I saw in a movie once where..."

I think that's about as far as he got.

 

[doublearr]

I've got an even better one than that.

1 Brigade was having their annual Brigade Comd inspection in Calagary in the 80's.  The Brigade Commander is inspecting the troops.  He stops in front of a young fit MCpl and asks "MCpl how much does that Carl Gustav that your carrying weigh?  The MCpl whio just returned from 3 yrs in 2 CDO says very casually "  Don't worry about how much it weighs Sir, you'll never have to carry one!!!!!"

Next thing heard was the CO of the 1st Bn "  RSM march this man to jail!!!!!!!!!"

Lesson:  Never be a smart a#@ on Pde.

 

[rosco]

During a St Jean drill class:

Master Cpl "Mr Bloggins... Do you want to practice all day?... Do you want to be here Mr Bloggins?" : :

Bloggins "No Master Cpl!?"

:

NOTE TO ALL FUTURE RECRUITS: Beware of the double question!
Yes Bloggins was me :-\

 

[George Wallace]

4 CMBG GOC Inspection of 4 Svc BN in 1970s/1980s sometime.

General to Cpl standing in front of 5 Ton Pod:  "Gas! Gas! Gas!"

Crusty old Cpl:  "No Sir.  Diesel."

 

[dapaterson]

Leadership in a Diverse Army lesson.  A young MCpl asked the instructor this question:

"If the gay men are allowed to shower with me, why aren't I allowed to shower with the girls?"

 

[chris the merc]

"But, MCPL, the americans (or some other country) do it this way!"

If I get back in the military, I plan to say this.

 

[gaspasser]

4 CMBG GOC Inspection of 4 Svc BN in 1970s/1980s sometime.

General to Cpl standing in front of 5 Ton Pod:  "Gas! Gas! Gas!"

Crusty old Cpl:  "No Sir.  Diesel."

Eeew, now the keybourd has coffee all over it....that was Hi-larous...must've been an old Trucker... ;D

Come to think of it, I may know of some sm rt arse that said it!!  :warstory:

 

[gaspasser]

Leadership in a Diverse Army lesson.  A young MCpl asked the instructor this question:

"If the gay men are allowed to shower with me, why aren't I allowed to shower with the girls?"

Aaah Briliant Smithers, completely baffle them with pure logic.!!

 

[rmc_wannabe]

My Firsst CO's parade at the unit

CO: where's your nametag Pte?
Me: Its on order Sir
CO: Whats taking it so long?
Me: I'm special Sir. (refferring to my last name, has more vowels than alphagetti)
Stunned CO&RSM : Yes, you are Pte.

:-[ never heard the end of that one ....

 

[Blindspot]

Sergeant lecturing on the proper proceedure to secure condom looks around the classroom and picks up a metre stick.

Sgt.: Pretend this is to scale.
Recruit: 1 to 1000?

 

[God56]

On my SQ course we were rucking with a few C6s and one of the other guys carrying a C6 started talking to the MCpl and this is how the conversation went
Pte "MCpl I don't want to play army any more"
MCpl" What"
Pte "I wanna play pirates instead"

 

[jollyjacktar]

Sailor being chewed out by the Old Man after pulling some stunt.

Old Man -" Do you know how far you are from a fucking idiot!!?? "
Sailor looking at the desk top between them - " About 3 feet, Sir? "


A friend was in the British Army in the early 70's.  Exchange between the Instructor and classmate during Comms portion of Crewman Training.

Instr - " You look on your IR and see that you have T-72's to the front, left, right and rear of your Tank.  What do you do? "
Student - snatches the microphone and sends " Calling International Rescue! "  (Reference to the kids program Thunderbirds)

I was sick the day before Graduation from my QL5 and called in sick.  The Reg Chief ordered me into the Base Hospital for check up.  Result was two days sick leave granted by Base Surgeon.  I returned to the school and was waiting outside the Training Officer's office for the course report and certificate.  The Reg Chief passed by and glared at me and sneered " Nice to see you feeling better".  I coughed and replied " I'm not 100 % Chief, but thanks for the days off".

 

[Timmy!]

1 Brigade was having their annual Brigade Comd inspection in Calagary in the 80's.  The Brigade Commander is inspecting the troops.  He stops in front of a young fit MCpl and asks "MCpl how much does that Carl Gustav that your carrying weigh?  The MCpl whio just returned from 3 yrs in 2 CDO says very casually "  Don't worry about how much it weighs Sir, you'll never have to carry one!!!!!"

Reminds me of one Pte(R) out in the field in Borden:


MCpl: Pte, do you know how much that C9 weighs?

Pte: It doesn't f****** matter how much it weighs, I'm going to hump it anyways.

:rofl:

 

[Rodahn]

4 CMBG GOC Inspection of 4 Svc BN in 1970s/1980s sometime.

General to Cpl standing in front of 5 Ton Pod:  "Gas! Gas! Gas!"

Crusty old Cpl:  "No Sir.  Diesel."

Crap I remember the incident... Thanks for the emories George....  :rofl:

 

[combatbuddha]

CFB Kingston CFSCE MCNaughton Parade Square Circa Spring 1990- Delta Sqn Parade Practice

SSM "Rambo" (Can't remember last name) stops the practice to correct an individual and says, while pointing the ol' mighty pace stick at the individual, "Private there's a piece of shit at the end of this pace stick!"
Private says, "Sir, Not at my end!" with great gusto.
Not missing a beat the SSM says, "drop and start pumping" and the private starts doing what is sure to be many push ups.
A Platoon Warrant says, "Sir! he should start over! I can't hear him counting!"
Rambo once again replies," Good idea Warrant, get down beside him and count along! Parade Dismissed!"
Upon leaving the square Rambo says aloud, " I hate baglickers!"

 

[Gunner98]

BOTC II parade at CMR, two gents appeared side by side with name tags on their DEU with the name 'Wong'.  One gent was Asian, the other obviously not.  When the Reviewing Party stopped to chat with Mutt and Jeff, one of SMs commented on the oddity that they both had the same last name.  The non-Asian fellow said, "Oh my God, I must have put on the 'Wong' name tag." The Reviewing Party continued on its way without another word as the OCdts nearby (of which I was one) broke into snickers and guffaws.  The wise guy paid for the remark dearly later in the day.

 

[medaid]

"The Wing name tag!" Oh... That is classic! I MUST use that next time! Consider it stolen!