TEASER
*Opening Scene - Four Taliban / Al Qaeda fighters are nestled in the rocks overlooking a valley in Afghanistan. Below, are five Humvee's travelling down a dusty path. Abdurahman Khadr (Sean Penn), Abdullah Khadr (Samuel L. Jackson), Omar Khadr (Susan Serandon) and Ahmed Saeed Khadr (Christopher Walken) watch as the Humvee's stop as a herd of goats are shepherded past them. The American commander of the convoy (Sean Bean) gets out of the lead vehicle and shouts at the shepherd "to get a move on, Abdul". The Afghan nods tiredly and shuffles forward. Then, he whips off his garments, to reveal two AKs, and begins firing wildly at the Humvee column. The four in the mountains open up. The fighting is intense. Americans go down. The shepherd is killed by a flying goat head, when his flock is obliderated by an M203. Sean Bean is hit in the stomach, and with bullets bouncing all around, comments to the medic, that the blood in his mouth "tastes like strawberries". Suddenly, a Chinook helicopter is seen flying overhead, with Gen. Tommy Franks (Keanu Reeves), cigar in mouth, shooting the insurgents in the mountain with the chain-gun from the gunnery position. Col. Douglas Seemstrom (Sylvester Stallone), a grizzled war hero, just wanting to get his tour over with, leads a glamorous bayonet charge up the mountain, with the sly Spanish PFC. Juan Gonzalez (Johnny Depp) saying such random phrases as "AIE YI YI" and "No me guesta...thees sheeit ees eentense, mayen" during the fight. Omar is killed, by a well placed 5.56 round to the forehead. In his dying words, he tells Abdullah to "Avenge me...my son...", which not only confuses Abdullah, but makes him angry. He stands up, and with one arm, fires an RPG, which hits Seemstrom in his face, ending his life, right after he had the chance to say, "I feel secure enough in my own survival, that Gonzalez, I will be the godfather to your child". A heart wrenching moment. Ahmed and Abdullah retreat to the mountains, leaving the wounded Abdurahman behind. His father told him he would be right back...he was just going to pick up some freedom fries. Abdurahman engages Tommy Franks in vicious hand to hand combat, all the while Franks keeps the cigar in his mouth. Franks wins, and captures Abdurahman. His is put in the back of the Chinook, where Franks tells the pilot to "book 'im, Danno". They fly off into the sunset...which really means he is going to Gitmo.
*Fast Clip - James Bond style torture scenes in Gitmo (ala, the North Korean interrogation), all the while "Eye of the Tiger" plays in the background. Inside the prison, he meets tough, reformed terrorist Saeed Bin Hassam (Martin Short), the wise-cracking man who, beneath his facade of hatred for the Yanqui peeg-dogs, has a heart of gold. Abdurahman sees the error of his ways.*
*Dramatic Climax - Abdurahman tells his father and brother, "he is out". Cue the camera quickly closing to the fathers eyes, and the furrowing of the unibrow. Abdullah (Jackson), sproting a new afro, says simply "You one dead mutha fucka". Hilarity ensues.*
*Cut to random explosions, screams, and shots of Abdurahman fleeing from technicals in the desert flats of the Mojave. "Kill Bill" style swordplay between Abdurahman and Abdullah. Various explosions. Ahmed overlooking his son in the hospital, fiftenn dead security guards outside the room. Abdurahman is in a coma. Ahmed reaches for the plug...A HAND GRABS HIS WRIST. "When Abdullah said he killed me last...he lied." DUH DUH DUH!*
Also Starring:
Jean Reno - the evil French connection. May find himself wearing a beret at some point.
Angelina Jolie - the woman he loved.
Al Pacino - the wise cracking, overly hated, golf playing Jean Chretien. Why him? The mouth thing...you know...
COMING, 2006...
"The Camel Rider Always Rings Twice"