the 48th regulator said:
The only theory I have is proper follow up. Regardless of what trade or work you do, if proper attention is paid in helping the soldier to return back to his normal routine, having help available, and properly trained individuals to help him acheive that goal, PTSD can be minimized to the point where the soldier returns back to where he was before the traumatic incident.
dileas
tess
I've been skimming this thread for a while, and I didn't really want to post anything, as it hits a little close to home for me... and I have mixed feelings about a lot of what has been discussed here. But, I just wanted to give a quick sum up of the issues I've been having with returning from tour, problems and the “help available".
Keep in mind, this may not be the case with all soldiers returning, or even just reservists.. It may just be me, and I really hope this is the worst of it, and I'm the only one, 'cause I don't think my psychological problems are that out of control, and it would kill me if someone with real problems (PTSD) was going through this.
Anyway, here it is;
I'm not going to go into the details of my tour... I have already else where, and I've said enough... When I first came home, I didn't have too many issues as I was either heavily medicated (Morphine for pain), sedated (sleeping pills to get me to sleep 'cause of pain) or just happy to be alive. Then came dreams and flashbacks... which is why I started writing crap and posting it here (I know some of you are sick of it... sorry). After a few months of that, I finally figured out a way to control it so that I could get some sleep (about 3-4 hours a night) without constantly waking up. This method involved over-the-counter sleeping pills, anxiety medications prescribed by the MIR and the home nursing docs and “meditation” (don’t ask).
I don't like taking pills... not even Tylenol for pain. Just a personal thing. So I stopped the meds and just forced my self to sleep.
I had been home for almost 5 months before any contact with the OSI (Operational Stress Injury) Clinic, and even that came with a fight. While in hospital, it seemed as though the docs were more concerned with my physical health than my mental health... which, to me, at the time, seemed reasonable. But even in Hospital I was having sleep issues (especially when my room mate died from congestive heart failure, which is very loud and disturbing, the last night I spent in hospital... they left him in the room till morning... rough night.)
The doc at the MIR wanted me to see someone as soon as I had come home from the hospital, but even that was fraught with problems. At that time, I was under the care of everyone (LFCA, 31 CBG, Local hospital, etc.) and none of them communicated… so none of them organized any kind of psychological help. In the end, I had to contact the OSI clinic myself. Which, in itself, took a month as I was bounced from contact to contact, left messages and received no reply’s. This caused a lot of stress. As all this was going on, I was also dealing with contract and pay issues, all of which I’ve had to solve myself… but that’s another issue, which caused even more stress… for both me and my wife, which cause more stress for me (from the wife).
Once I started appointments with the OSI clinic, I started feeling better, as if a weight had been relieved, but it was short lived. After 3 sessions, my contact with the social worker at the OSI clinic ended. The stress began again as I tried to renew contact, as well as contract issues, pay issues, issues with my home unit as well as family related stress. This time, I wasn’t able to control the stress well. I began feeling angry and bitter all the time. Even when I was happy, there was that dark cloud, and it didn’t take much to set me off. I was having increasingly violent mood swings, and my wife started getting more and more concerned.
Then it came to a point. The MIR was having no luck contacting the OSI clinic, and nether was I. All the other issues kept compounding… then one day, while trying to hang a gate on my fence in my back yard, it all came apart. I couldn’t get the latch to fit right, and I snapped. I hurled my drill across my back yard, punched the gate, breaking a board and tearing open my hand, and then tried to rip the gate, and the fence down. If my wife hadn’t been there, I probably would have… she calmed me down enough to get me back in the house. But it didn’t end there. I completely broke down; All the feelings I’ve had bottled up erupted again and I found myself completely shut down and shaking… this lasted a few days.
My wife contacted the OSI clinic and tore their heads off. Then I had an appointment.
She came with me to keep me calm. I begged these people for help and got no response. All I could think about the whole ride to London (2 hour drive) was how hard it was going to be to talk to someone I already don’t trust. And it was. How am I supposed to reach out for help when there’s no hand reaching back?
After 2 hours of discussion, it all came together; the social worker I had been seeing was a student… I had no problem with that, ‘cause she was helping. She had finished her term with the clinic and had left. The clinic informed me that she should have contacted me, and then insinuated that she had and that I was over reacting or was responsible (this may not have been their intent, but it sure felt that way).
The excuse they offered next was that, at the time she left, I was showing improvement, and they weren’t concerned. This sent me off the handle again. I received no contact from her after our last session, and as much as I was feeling better, I had just begun to trust her, and hadn’t had the opportunity to discuss what was really causing problems.
The rest of the meeting went well, and it left my wife and I feeling a little better, but then the question came up; “what do you want us to do for you, exactly?”
This shocked me… how am I supposed to answer this? I don’t know what I need. I don’t even know if there’s anything wrong with me. So I told them; “I don’t know. I just know that I’m angry, frustrated, confused, depressed, I don’t sleep and I hate everything... I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Work your magic.”
Their reply gave me a bigger shock; “These problems aren’t directly related to the incident, are they?” I had no answer… just rage.
So now I’m taking anti-anxiety meds, suggested by the OSI clinic and prescribed by the MIR. I’m still angry, and frustrated, but now I calm about it, which make me more confused and frustrated. The meds are chalked full of some kind of stimulant, which keeps me up, and they don’t get rid of the pain or the dreams, so I sleep even less, which leaves me tired and even more confused. All this make me depressed… which I hate.
The OSI clinic has provided yet another social worker, which I am to see regularly and I’m back to work half days at the armoury, and everything seems to be getting better… for now. But it took screaming, yelling, breakdowns and contact with personnel from Brigade, Area and NDHQ. And every time something else comes up, no matter how small, all I can think is; “I don’t need this.”
As it stands, there is very little keeping me in the forces… I’m trapped by my wounds and lock in by my financial and medical needs. The wife doesn’t want to move or change jobs as her career is just beginning, and I don’t blame her… This rules out the regular force. I can’t do what I did before the injury and I’m not going to be on contract by the time I can go back to school to change careers. I’m in a grey area hell.
They say the worst thing is never knowing what’s going to happen next… that’s my life.
Just a little note; all of this has been passed up the chain of command in multiple direction, actions have been taken to fix “problems”, but in my mind it still feels like a band-aid on a broken arm or “too little, too late.”
I can only hope that those of greater tactical importance have learned from all this, and no one else who needs help has to go through what I’ve been through.
Sorry again for the long rant about nothing.
