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More and more funnies.. vol: something...

Today, is the day my husband was supposed to come home from a six month tour at sea. I heard the door bell ring. I sprinted to the door expecting to hold my honey bear, instead two uniformed sailors with a folded flag greeted me. I burst into tears. My husband walked up behind me. He laughed. FML

http://www.fmylife.com/tops?page=2
 
Dead man wins mayor's race in U.S. town

A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn.

Carl Robin Geary died suddenly a few weeks ago. But he received 268 votes anyway in Tuesday’s nonpartisan election, beating out incumbent Barbara Brock with 85 votes in the two-candidate race.

An election administrator, Donna Basham, said Wednesday she wouldn’t speculate on why Geary won posthumously but noted his death had been widely reported at the time in this corner of southeastern Tennessee.

:rofl:

Never mind FML, you know you must suck when a dead guy beats you in a mayoral race.  ;D
 
For those of you considering having children:

Kids.jpg
 
PMedMoe said:
For those of you considering having children:

Kids.jpg

Hmmmm. The "No" from "Do you drink coffee?" should only be pointing towards "can you start?" and it's missing a "No" response to the question "Are you still in college?" Other than that, decently amusing. C+.
 
Thought about posting this in the "Dumb Criminals" thread, but it's just too funny....

Driver banned after operating toy car drunk

Paul Hutton, 40, said he regrets the decision to use the toy - which can reach a top speed of 6.4 km/h - to drive to a friend's house after he had been drinking, Britain's Daily Mail newspaper reported.

......

The newspaper reported Essex Police initially gave Hutton a warning, but when Hutton ignored them and slowly pulled away from the officers, they arrested him.

:rofl:

I wonder if they chased him down on foot?  ;D

 
How can you live without knowing these things?

1. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden" ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

2. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.

3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

4. Men can read smaller print better than women can; women can hear better.

5. Coca-Cola was originally green.

6. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

7. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

10. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

11. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

12. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

13. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

15. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't
added until 5 years later.

20. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace

21. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession

22. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find
the letter "A"?
One thousand

23. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all
have in common?
All invented by women.

24. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
Honey

25. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
Father's Day

26. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you
pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."

27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month... which we know today as the honeymoon.

28. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts,
and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

29. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to
get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
 
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists:

A Yale graduate, and A Newfoundlander.

They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up
with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.

The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:

'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
  TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
  MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
  DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.

The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!

The Newfie won hands down.

===========================

The Candy With The Little Hole - Lifesavers


This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
======================

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 70.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
 
Interesting Facts

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

3. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)

4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)

5. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms?  Doesn't seem fair)

6. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)

7. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

8. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

9. Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....?  Who cares?  How'd they find out, did they ask them?)

10. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

11. The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??  And why pigs?)

12. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy)

13. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home.  What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)

14. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig ...  quality over quantity)

15. Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, Geez)  (That's almost as bad as catfish)

16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

17. Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

 
GAP said:
How can you live without knowing these things?

5. Coca-Cola was originally green.

False. The bottles may have been green, but the drink never.

16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

False.

17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Probably true. My calculators only go up to 11,111,111 X 11,111,111 but my answer is 1234567.8

24. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
Honey
  Possibly true. I had jars of honey I bought in Italy and brought back to Canada and kept six-seven years and gave to friends and they loved it!

27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month... which we know today as the honeymoon.

I thought it was the Celtics and ancient Germans who drank mead, not Babylonians. And isn't it considered a "wine" not "beer?"

30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

I know I tried!  ;D

 
 
You got wrong answer cause you are missing a digit in each of those. its 111,111,111 not 11,111,111. I just did it and it is the correct answer.
 
Hell hath no fury like a man scorned!  >:D

link

By Stephanie Reitz, The Associated Press


HARTFORD, Conn. - A man who was feuding with his neighbour targeted her in an explicit online posting that invited strangers to a rowdy orgy with a bored soccer mom, police said.


Philip James Conran, 42, made his first court appearance Thursday, but did not enter a plea to charges including reckless endangerment, harassment, criminal trespass and risk of injury to a minor.


The charges stem from an April 5 posting on Craigslist that said a woman in West Hartford wanted to "please as many as I can before I go to work!" Detectives, Conran's attorney and the woman targeted in the posting are not saying what prompted the feud between the longtime neighbours in the middle-class Hartford suburb.

(...)
 
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when
you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
 
STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'

The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit......
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this
Story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD  DUDES RULE

 
Rifleman62 said:
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD  DUDES RULE

I keep telling the young kids in my Troop that.
 
Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 65th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup -  Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"




 
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