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Well, that Bloody Hallmark Holiday is upon again. So here's a 12-step program for Non-Daters on Valentine's day.
1. Wear black, and lots of it.
2. If someone else in the office has received flowers, chocolate, singing telegrams, and other forms of dating expressions, glare at them. Snarling and grunting optional.
3. Same goes for anyone wearing excessive amounts of red. Especially if they are wearing heart-shaped items like pins.
4. Later in the day, eat the chocolate, run the flowers through a food processor, and beat the crap out of the singing telegram people. (Most people will thank you for this, anyway).
5. For the rest of the day, labor over the effect all that chocolate is gonna have on your waistline.
6. Return home and destroy at least one item given to you by an ex. Feel guilty. Call the ex. Make up story about having a hot date.
7. Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing every channel is airing a clone of "While You Were Sleeping," "Titanic," or, worse yet, a "Friends" Valentine's Day.
8. Realize how lame not having a hot date is. Head to bar.
9. Plot massive torture of anyone who shows up at the bar with a date. Slow torture if the couple is in anything above semi-formal dress.
10. Massive quantities of alcohol. Beergoggling. Wake up next to someone - male or female - with way too much facial hair.
11. Remember (and regret) this incident for the next 364 days. Complain about never having a good V-Day.
12. Wait until some bizarre calendar date Hallmark has labeled "Sweetest Day." Rinse, lather, repeat to get in practice for next V-Day.
Note: If "Titanic" is on, it can be therapeutic. But only if you only watch the part where Leonardo DiCaprio sinks like a big, wet, adorable, lead anvil to the bottom of the North Atlantic! Same goes for the end of "Romeo + Juliet."
1. Wear black, and lots of it.
2. If someone else in the office has received flowers, chocolate, singing telegrams, and other forms of dating expressions, glare at them. Snarling and grunting optional.
3. Same goes for anyone wearing excessive amounts of red. Especially if they are wearing heart-shaped items like pins.
4. Later in the day, eat the chocolate, run the flowers through a food processor, and beat the crap out of the singing telegram people. (Most people will thank you for this, anyway).
5. For the rest of the day, labor over the effect all that chocolate is gonna have on your waistline.
6. Return home and destroy at least one item given to you by an ex. Feel guilty. Call the ex. Make up story about having a hot date.
7. Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing every channel is airing a clone of "While You Were Sleeping," "Titanic," or, worse yet, a "Friends" Valentine's Day.
8. Realize how lame not having a hot date is. Head to bar.
9. Plot massive torture of anyone who shows up at the bar with a date. Slow torture if the couple is in anything above semi-formal dress.
10. Massive quantities of alcohol. Beergoggling. Wake up next to someone - male or female - with way too much facial hair.
11. Remember (and regret) this incident for the next 364 days. Complain about never having a good V-Day.
12. Wait until some bizarre calendar date Hallmark has labeled "Sweetest Day." Rinse, lather, repeat to get in practice for next V-Day.
Note: If "Titanic" is on, it can be therapeutic. But only if you only watch the part where Leonardo DiCaprio sinks like a big, wet, adorable, lead anvil to the bottom of the North Atlantic! Same goes for the end of "Romeo + Juliet."
