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For The Ladies - Demystifying Men

paracowboy

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Okay, I just spent some time with the clerks in the BOR, one of whom is having guy troubles. Why? Because she thinks the same thing so many chicks do.  ::) 'Men are just so complex'. I blame Cosmo. Ladies, Cosmo is a pack of lies. LIES!

I explained this to m’dear, darlin’, li’l wife many years ago, and it seems to have helped her out immensely. So, in the interests of…well, everybody, really….ah’ma pass it along to the ladies out there havin’ trouble figgerin’ us guys out.

First thing: we ain’t complicated. You are. You try to make us out to be complicated because you are, and you think we must be like you.

We’re not. We are very easy to understand, and simple to operate.

When you look at your guy and ask him: “What are you thinking?” And he says, “Nuthin’,” He’s telling you the truth. That is EXACTLY what he’s thinking. He’s not being deep, or mysterious. He’s. Thinking. Nothing. This is exactly what goes through his head when you ask him that question:

“What am I thinking about? That’s a great commercial. Look at the hooters on her! Wonder what they look like without that sweater? Hey, my butt’s itchy. Better not scratch it, she might not  like that. What was she asking, again? Oh, yeah. What am I thinking about? Well, I’m thinking I’d like a beer, I’d like to see some boobs, and I’d like her to shut up. Better not tell her that. Hmm, guess I’m not really thinking about anything.” So, he says -

“Nuthin’.”

That’s it.

And when you ask him: “What are you feeling?”  ::)

Ladies, men have three feelings. 1) hungry, 2) tired, 3) horny. So, when you ask him that, this is EXACTLY what goes through his mind:

“Feeling? What AM I feeling? Well, I’m not tired. I’m not hungry, I just had a sandwich. She makes good sandwiches. And she has great boobs. I’m a little horny, but that’s normal. I guess I’m feeling fine.” So, he says -

“I’m okay.”

That’s it.

He’s not hiding anything. He’s not sitting there pondering the mysteries of life.

If he’s not actively involved in something, he’s not thinking about anything. And if he’s not grabbing a nap, grabbing a sandwich, or grabbing your boobs, he’s fine.

Mystery of men: Solved.

You’re welcome.

Now, I’m gonna go grab a beer, a sandwich, and some boobs.
 
PC, you should go on the road with that routine. It sounded just like Jeff Foxworthy.  Laugh!!!!!!!!!!!
 
oh yeah,

if the guy you're currently with tries to tell you his deep thoughts, or display his artistic side...ladies, you're in a dead relationship before it even starts. He's either a liar trying to impress you because you haven't let him grab your boobs yet, or he's gay.

Either way, dump him.
 
Beers to you para..
Ssshh, don't tell 'em too much or they'll have us figured out and won't let us drink beer or look at their boobs.
:dontpanic:
 
Para, you've summarized everything I've ever wanted to say to any of my past gf's when they ask those questions.
Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

Ladies, he's 110% (+/- 10%) right.
 
BYT Driver said:
don't tell 'em too much or they'll have us figured out and won't let us drink beer or look at their boobs.
exactly the opposite, mein camerade. Once they realize that all we want is a sandwich, a beer, and some boobs to grab, they'll leave us alone except to open jars and haul the trash out. Think of the free time!

Women just want to make us happy, like we do for them. Except they have a much more complex system of needs and wants. Now that they understand that our needs and wants are so basic, and easily achieveable, I expect you all to enjoy the same level of napping, snacks, and boobs that I currently enjoy.

In return for her supplying my meagre demands, she gets everything she wants. She now knows, however, that she has to phrase her demands in language that I understand. There's no hinting around my house. No subtleties. None of that "casually laying the catalogue open to the proper page" stuff.

She walks in the room, lifts her top, and says, "Go buy me this." I go buy her that, and have a sandwich and a nap.

Mine...

...is a house of joy.
 
Exxxxcellent:

Vern walks into room....
How are you feeling honey says she....
fine says he....
I says no...you're feeling like you could use a beer eh?
(saunters over to grab a beer for the old guy)
Opens beer for the old guy.....
flashs her boobs (well, if you could call them that)...
says hey....wanna touch?
Oh yeah says he.....
so then I says no.....go for your nap....I'm going to buy some new diamond jewellry and some clothes too,
but I'll bring you home a sandwhich when I get back....
So I can ask you how does this new outfit look on me? Does it go with this ring or this ring or this one?

Whoooo!! I'm going to try it next time I'm home and see how it works out.....for him!!
 
Dang  guys, one of them found out about us....now what do we do?
Buy 'er diamonds....they'll take her breathe away...and shut 'er up. 
compliments of the blue collar comedy tour.
 
see, as evidence of this, I offer the following:

that's why the entire Muslim world is so uptight. They can't drink beer, they can't have a ham sammich, and they never get to see boobs. They're miserable! And they want us to suffer, too.

Don't get angry about it, it's just human nature. They live a life dedicated to murder and suicide, because they can't have salami on whole wheat, with bacon. They can't have a cool frosty one, no matter how hot it gets in the desert. And mostly, they can't see hooters!

And they marry more than one girl. So they have 4 women all asking the same questions to which they have no answers: "What are you thinking?" and "What are you feeling?"

Tell me that wouldn't want to make you blow some shit up!

World peace lies in peace between the sexes. And that is achievable by just having the ladies understand that all we want is a snack, a nap, and some boobs to look at.
 
Absolutely perfect and brilliant!!!

Para my man... That is almost EXACTLY what I try to explain to women but you just put it in better terms, and I almost fell off my chair when you put in what I call the three "H's".... I've been saying for years to my women I'm very simple... I'm always one of three things or a mix of them.. HUNGRY - HORNY - HAPPY... So a tiny slight moderation of your 3's.... But basically the same!!!!!

Ladies - he is right, there is no other way to go about it... That's just how it is!!!
 
And from a ladies perspective,

As long as I get new clothes and jewellery....I'm fine with that!!  ;D
 
Hahahaa...Well written!  I think I will create a little cheat sheet for myself when I find myself wondering WHYYYYYYYYYY. 

It reminded me a bit of a joke I heard ages ago.  It goes something like...

How to Impress a Woman:

1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6 ) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to Impress a Man:

1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer 

(after reading paracowboy's post...add a sandwhich)  ;)
 
The Librarian said:
And from a ladies perspective,

As long as I get new clothes and jewellery....I'm fine with that!!  ;D

+100 to that! Done, Done & Done!!  ;D
 
Truer words have never been spoken.


And re: muslim violence and sexual repression

<a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,1717676,00.html">Extremism: the loser's revenge. Can sexual inadequacy or deprivation turn angry young men into killers?</a>
 
career_radio-checker said:
Thanks Para, now I'm hungry for a sandwich and I don't have any damn bread!!! >:(
A beer or two and some hooters would be nice too.... ;D
 
The Librarian said:
And from a ladies perspective,

As long as I get new clothes and jewellery....I'm fine with that!!  ;D

Anothe female perspective:

Boots.  Black boots.  Leather Boots.  With heels.  That is all I ask for.

(And NO -- COMBAT BOOTS DON'T COUNT!)
 
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