• Thanks for stopping by. Logging in to a registered account will remove all generic ads. Please reach out with any questions or concerns.

For anyone who could use a good laugh....

Cdn Blackshirt

Army.ca Veteran
Inactive
Reaction score
35
Points
530
Funny forward I received....


Matthew.   ;D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife Janet is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be

something like, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone

myself once again. Here goes.



Last weekend I spied something at Harder's Gun Shop that tickled my fancy.

(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something

really cool for Janet. The occasion was our 30 something anniversary and I was

looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was

a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you

who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with

two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of

high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the

prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render

him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck

geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly

missing out--way too cool!



Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two

triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so

disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'

directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an

arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I

learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal

surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between

the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a

blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused,

just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Janet what that burn

spot is on the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat

in my recliner, my dog Bear looking on intently (trusting little soul),

reading the directions (that would be me, not Bear) and thinking that I really

needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I

thought about zapping Bear for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He

is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to

Janet to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it

would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed

reasonable to me at the time? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with

my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions

in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to

cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less

than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,

bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'

way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost

beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got

a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Bear looking

on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning

that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that

bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree)?

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note:

You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so

obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so

right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)



I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY

DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,

picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over

and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm

tucked under my body in the oddest position. Bear was standing over me making

growling sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly

thinking to hisself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled

to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as

a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that

thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on

the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4"

deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so

later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I

collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My

reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt

like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give

or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.



By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm

offering a reward. Miss 'em .. . sure would like to get 'em back.


 
Very entertaining...I laughed so loud at that I thought that they could here me clear across the street (I'm inside just now!)

Also very brave to open yourself to the types of comments that are sure to follow... ;D

Slim

PS-So are you then advocating the product? ^-^
 
ahahaha,
C'mon guys, how many of us wouldn't have been a little curious to see what woudl happen.
 
great story, just goes to show Dogs are Smarter then Men.
Damn Glad you didn't zap your dog.

But having done this "test" are you sure you want to give this to you wife?

She may have more fun then we did reading your story.

tears in my eyes from your story I won't go into how I "Know"

some manufactures claim of "bullet proof vests" can be believed.

Please noticed in thier small print they don't say they are bruse and broken rib proof.



 
>:D
OK evil thought of the day.....tell your girlfriend/wife/friends wife or girl friend its a toy for her personal amusement......  >:D
 
Ex-Dragoon said:
>:D
OK evil thought of the day.....tell your girlfriend/wife/friends wife or girl friend its a toy for her personal amusement......   >:D
Ahhh... the old vibrator/tazer trick. Boy that takes me back. I wonder what she is doing now. Its been sometime since I saw her... ;)
 
Bograt said:
Ahhh... the old vibrator/tazer trick. Boy that takes me back. I wonder what she is doing now. Its been sometime since I saw her... ;)

And that would pretty much sum up what will happen besides a great deal of pain inflicted upon you after the fact. Nothing scarier then a woman that wants revenge.  :skull:
 
As hilarious, yet retarded as that is. i would have found myself in the exact same situation....nipples burning? That must be an interesting sensation..
 
I think what's so funny about it is he tells in such a calm manner.
I mean if I did that to myself I'd come and say something like

"HOLY SHIT YOU WOULDNT BELIEVE WHAT I JUST DID, THAT FUCKING HURT, DON'T EVER DO THAT, MY BALLS, OH GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING, OW OW OW."
 
No kidding, i've never seen a guy calmly say his testicles had disappeared, they even get tapped and i'm swearing for the next 5 minutes, Good post, still wiping tears from my eyes
 
god, i'm still laughing... and i'm sitting in the middle of my school's library computer lab.  Although it did get this cute girl next to me to ask why I was laughing at... ;)

 
Who thought forums would have led to a flirting situation, go for her!! ;)
 
Thats the funniest thing I have read in a long time!!!  ;D ;D ;D
My sides are still hurting!!!!!!
 
Why am I anxious??  My boss's dog's name is Bear!!  ::)

But that's so funny!!!  it's been a couple of days, and I'm still laughing!!  :dontpanic:
 
Gonna revive this thread for a moment.

I'm watching cops, totally by accident I should add, and they were tazer-fucking-happy, my God.
They were breaking up a fight or something and one of the fighters was swinging at the police (note:Things you should never do)
I was laughing because one of them was dying to use the tazer, I swear she repeated at least 5 times "LEMME TAZE HIM"
And when she finally did, the guy was finished it was insane, the look on his face.
Definetely deserved it, but I instantly thought of this thread when I saw him get tazed.
 
Thats almost mean, I've heard stories about guys tripping out on drugs though and the Tazers dont even come close to stopping them, they just pull the prongs out and keep on going :o :o
 
Back
Top