Common law not so supportive

[Jake]

Have any of you been in this situation? I've told my girlfriend of my decision to join and she is far from supportive. No matter how much I try to talk sense into her she still says she hates the military, but she really doesn't know anything about it. Anyway what I was wondering is, have any of you had a girlfriend/boyfriend that was sort of anti-military while in the Forces? I'm just trying to decide if I should bring her or if it would all just be a waste of our time.  ???

 

[TMM]

Flash back 15-16 years ago and I was that girlfriend. I loved the man but hated his career; he loved me but hated that I was a journalism student. Somehow we survived  basic training and kept things going for a couple of years. Eventually we broke up but that had nothing to do with our work or who we worked for. Things would have ended up as they did no matter what we did for a living - remember that.

Whether I liked his work or not, it was his decision to make - not mine. If she gives you an ultimatum of "Me or the military" that's your clue to bail! Despite how my military relationship ended up, we had enough respect for one another to never demand changing our careers. In our world we are so closely tied to what we do for a living. Sexist as it may be, I think that holds even truer for men. "What do you do for a living?" is one of the first questions people ask when they meet for the first time.

I am a bit confused when you write:

"I'm just trying to decide if I should bring her or if it would all just be a waste of our time."

Does the CF allow recruits to bring their love interests over for the duration of BMQ? I hope not. If she isn't supportive why support her, and why bring her negative attitude when you're sole job is to focus on being a soldier?

I'm sorry if it's not the lovey-dovey answer you want but I hope my civi opinion can shed a different light on your dilemma.

 

[Trinity]

No matter how much I try to talk sense into her she still says she hates the military,

Who's sense is right?  You're assuming that you're right and she's wrong.  Worse yet, you're trying to
correct her which won't work. 

There is nothing wrong in NOT liking the military.  (although I do not fall into that camp obviously)

I can think of many reasons however to support your GF's decision as well as many reasons to
support yours.  Her position isn't as "wrong" as you may be concluding.

However, this is a decision for YOU.  What fits your life right now?  What are your priorities?

Also, try listening instead of talking. (and don't come back and claim that you have, because
if you did listen to her, and I mean really listen, you wouldn't be asking for help here)

 

[Jake]

If she isn't supportive why support her, and why bring her negative attitude when you're sole job is to focus on being a soldier?

That's the kind of answer I was looking for thanks  I was just wondering if it is hard to live with someone who hates what you do and thinks it's a big joke. I didn't mean to say that she's wrong and I understand why she thinks the way she does. I'm not trying to get you guys to make up my mind for me, just give me your opinion because I've never been in that situation. We've talked, but we will still be doing a lot more.

 

[Booked_Spice]

Okay I guess I am going to give my 2 cents.

I was that person. I did not want to be with a military man. My brother in law was in the forces for 20 plus years and I saw first hand what spouses and family go through. When I met my husband, he told me he was in the military.That was his greatest fault ( AT THAT TIME- so no-one jump in here) He had to convince me and sweep me off my feet. Which he succeed. I now have 2 kids and a wonderful husband who I am very proud of. I am also very proud of the fact that he serves his country. My first thoughts was I was scared and didn't want to go through all the separation but now I realize the separation just makes me and my hubby stronger as a couple. When he does come home it always feels like we are on our honeymoon. There is no boredom in our marriage. But everyone has to follow their heart.

My advice give her time to adjust because she may just be scared. Speaking from a spouses perspective it is a really tough life and it is a hard journey but in the end it is worth every minute and every sacrifice. .

 

[TMM]

Booked Spice, good point about the fear. When you're young you don't want to face the reality that your loved one's work might literally be the death of him/her. I've always been a free spirit so it wasn't the separation that scared me but the risk of injury/death, the thought of him being alone, far from home, in pain and me unable to do anything about the situation.

One thing that really helped me get through it was the passion I had for *MY* education, work, interests and friends. Being with someone in the military means a lot of time apart, and whilst pining away for my squaddie night after night may have been romantic the first week or so, it started to drive everyone round me right round the bend.

It was up to me to keep myself busy and happy with my life when he wasn't around. People in the military have enough to worry about without conjuring up entertainment for their sweeties.

Jake, as mentioned, you and your love need to have a non-confrontational heart to heart over this; going away for a weekend to change the scenery can do wonders.

 

[Jake]

Jake, as mentioned, you and your love need to have a non-confrontational heart to heart over this; going away for a weekend to change the scenery can do wonders.

Her parents just bought a cottage, nice timing 

 

[TMM]

No, no, no Jake! Away from "the in-laws" LOL.

 

[GO!!!]

Jake,

As one of my (more bitter) NCOs put it, "women come and go, your career and the army will always be there".

If this girl is willing to draw a line in the sand over something she knows nothing about, think what other things she will try to control later on. If she is willing to try to control your life now, think what things will be like if and when you are married/kids etc. I would classify this as a "warning sign"

If you are going to join the CF, you need a grown woman who can stand on her own two feet and make decisions with you when you are home, without you when you are not, not one who tries to make them for you when you are around.

My 2 cents, give her the heave ho, training at various bases accross the country (and depending on trade/element) around the world later on is a blast if you are a single guy with no significant relationship or financial commitments. Many otherwise committed troops become so caught up in this atmosphere that they "forget" about significant others on the weekends. You'll meet plenty of, ahem "nice" girls, and won't be the one stuck with a dear John letter/phone call/e-mail to add stress to your training when she decides you've been away for too long.

 

[Jake]

Thanks you guys, you've been a great help. 

 

[Roy Harding]

The military is not a "job".

You are part of the military, and it is a major part of who  (not what) you are.

If your girlfriend intensely dislikes a major part of you, then I suggest you break it off now - there doesn't seem to be much a future there.

 

[Jake]

That's what I was thinking.

 

[Booked_Spice]

Hey GO!

I  make all the decisions in our household( or at least I think I do)

But Jake,

The fellows are right. Because when I said I would Marry my husband. I actually had to marry the military too....

Take care and things always work out for the best.. either way

 

[TMM]

The military is not a "job".

Seen  - and edited in my post. I didn't mean to slight the military career at all.

 

[GO!!!]

Hey GO!

I  make all the decisions in our household( or at least I think I do)

More accurately, you are permitted to make the decisions in the house, like what to cook, when to clean etc. as a method of better pleasing your husband.

Anything less would be uncivilised.  ;D

 

[Booked_Spice]

:threat:

HA HA HA... HUBBY wishes it were like that... I Bring home the BACON..

 

[Fruss]

I saw that quote many times:

"If the army would've like you to have a wife, they would've issued you one."

I had a girlfriend when I was in Basic Training, I was talking to her every day. I though I found the separation too hard, so I came back home. Since then, I almost regret I had a girlfriend at that time.

I wanted to make sure my couple was going to survive and neglected my training. Since then, I've been thinking what a mistake I made and wanted to go back.

We broke up since then, but it might be too late for me to go back to the army.

my 2 cents

Frank

 

[camochick]

Being a military wife or gf is a tough job and if she isnt on board now, she probably wont be on board later, which could be rough considering the time apart that you will experience in a military career. It takes a certain person to be with someone in the military and it's definatly not for everyone. You might have to consider that you will have to chose, the military or the gf, and considering you're only 23, i suggest you pick the military hehe. It's way more rewarding and it won't clean out your house and bank account while you're overseas on a tour. >

 

[paracowboy]

I had a girlfriend when I was in Basic Training, I was talking to her every day. I though I found the separation too hard, so I came back home. Since then, I almost regret I had a girlfriend at that time.

I wanted to make sure my couple was going to survive and neglected my training. Since then, I've been thinking what a mistake I made and wanted to go back.

We broke up since then, but it might be too late for me to go back to the army.

so, you have not completed Basic training? Then why do you have Jimmy up as an avatar?

 

[Fruss]

so, you have not completed Basic training? Then why do you have Jimmy up as an avatar?

Oops!  I put that last week when I left for Basic and never changed it back.

Corrected. Thanks for the heads up.

Frank