Breaking the sex noise barrier
Posted Fri, May 01, 2009
The recent report that a woman in England was remanded in custody after breaching an ASBO (Anti-Social Behaviour Order) that banned her from being noisy during sex isn't doing any favours for the Brits' rep as an uptight lot when it comes to sex.
Then again, according to Jeffrey Miller's book Ardor in the Court!, a young woman was evicted from her apartment for moaning during intercourse right here in Canada back in 1990.
What is it about noisy sex that gets people so riled? Maybe it's that they're just jealous. After all, most people have a hard time eking out a feeble, 'that feels good,' never mind unleashing their inner wild woman (or man).
Maybe it's because I grew up in a house full of noisy people, but I like a little racket in bed. After all, great sex is all about letting go. And there's nothing like a little vocal encouragement to acknowledge a job well done. It's good for the ego. It's also helpful in getting what you want. Just crank up the volume a notch when he gets something right, and he'll get the message.
But I suppose it's one thing to be a participant in a hot, thrashing, screaming sex session; it's quite another to be on the other side of the wall from one.
In the British woman's case apparently there was screaming, shouting and constant bed headboard banging against the wall. In the Canadian case, a neighbour testified that her family moved after being awakened by this woman's enthusiasm several nights a week, as often as two or three times a night, for periods of 30 to 60 minutes.
That has to get a little irritating after a while. I once roomed with someone whose girlfriend made loud and obviously fake sex noises in the room next to mine whenever she slept over and I have to admit, it was very annoying. But I never thought to call the cops. And jailing someone for having too good a time in bed seems a tad ridiculous. I hope they at least handcuffed her when they made the arrest.
If your neighbours are, um, overly sexually expressive, there are tactics you can take before involving law enforcement. There's the classic pounding on the wall, of course. Though, while this might slow them down for a bit, chances are, they either won't hear you, won't care or will be back at it again just in time to jar you awake as you're about to drift off.
If you're too embarrassed to confront them, you could do what a neighbour of mine once did and draw a little storyboard explaining the situation and pin it to their door. Or try something slightly more direct, but still polite. The next time you see them, casually work a comment into the conversation like, 'Have you ever noticed how thin the walls are between our places?' Toss in a cocked eyebrow and they should get the hint. Calling the landlord or superintendent and letting them handle it seems cowardly but obviously it worked for Noisy Canadian Gal's neighbours.
Finally, I guess, if none of this works, the last resort is to call the cops, like the folks in the UK did on their noisy neighbour. Just don't ever expect to be invited to join...
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