Boyfriend in basic training started pushing me away towards the end of training?

[Good2Golf]

Few are questioning what someone higher told your husband; it's actually quite believable.  It remains true, however, that standing policy on the issue regarding the situation where there is but a sole CAF member in the pair, is far less prescriptive than th DAOD 5019-1 reference quoted earlier.  Without a doubt, there are 'local-isms' where interpretation of policy is taken to the extreme, something well beyond.  The point for the original poster is that, if her boyfriend is willing, she should not feel as though she couldn't hold his hand.

:2c:

Regards
G2G

 

[Oldgateboatdriver]

I will only add this: I have always kissed my wife good day in the car as she dropped me off at the Dockyard gate, and we were both in uniform. The world didn't end and many other seamen, including many who knew us saw this happen. Never got in trouble.

As for PDA with non military family member: Just watch TV when they show a ship returning home from a four to six month deployment or when an airplane full load of soldiers returns home from deployment.  :nod:

 

[Eye In The Sky]

To be fair, I just grabbed the specific reg off a quick Google search to verify my point. That point being, someone above my husband told him there was no PDAs while in uniform. I realise this is the Internet, but why would I make that up?

I am saying it doesn't matter, and it wasn't actually factual.  That, to me, overrides the 'fair' or other aspects you're still talking about.  You posted something as fact that simply isn't.  Is it really something that needs to be examined further?  We, or at least I, do not expect civilians (even if married to service members) to understand our regs.

 

[Blackadder1916]

To be fair, I just grabbed the specific reg off a quick Google search to verify my point. That point being, someone above my husband told him there was no PDAs while in uniform. I realise this is the Internet, but why would I make that up?

If you are going to use a reference, use the right one.

A-DH-265-000/AG-001  Canadian Forces Dress Instructions  http://www.cfc.forces.gc.ca/255/251/A-DH-265-000-AG-001.pdf

Chapter 2 Section 2

2. Behaviour. Personnel in uniform shall
comport themselves in a manner which projects a
positive military appearance. Behaviour such as
chewing gum, slouching, placing hands in pockets,
smoking or eating on the street and walking hand in
hand, is forbidden. This instruction’s objective is to
project an image of a disciplined and self-controlled
force.

But then, behaviour is likely situational.  There is a time and place for everything and military leadership is not stupid (despite examples to the contrary).  They know that family and loved ones (and soldiers) are going to demonstrate their affection in uniform.  As long as it is appropriate to time and place only the most hard-hearted superior will make it an issue.  Walking hand in hand down the street (or through the Mega) - not acceptable.  Hugging and kissing a loved one after they return from tour or after not seeing them for an extended period - acceptable.  Continuing to make-out - not acceptable.  That quick, drop off at work kiss - not only acceptable but probably mandatory.

Yes, someone more senior told your husband that there is "no PDA in uniform".  Well, instructions to new soldiers are usually in absolutes.  One, because it is easier for them to remember and follow; two, because it would take too much time to have a discussion about the nuances of military life - that only comes from experience; and three, because it would remove opportunities for instructors to make snide comments to their charges.  Close to forty years ago, following grad parade at Cornwallis, one of the members of our platoon was in a somewhat passionate embrace with a particularly attractive female.  Our section's MCpl sauntered over and interrupted them with the comment "Bloggins, what did I tell you about chewing gum or kissing in uniform".  Bloggins (who had been caught several times chewing gum) replied "don't do it in uniform, MCpl".  No, said the MCpl, what I told you was you had to have enough to share with the rest of the section.

 

[Fishbone Jones]

Drop the tangent. Back to the thread subject.

---Staff---

 

[holieee]

My experience in the mega is the same that was explained already. My boyfriend and I were over the moon about each other in our honey moon phase while I was in basic. While I was in Borden, however, quite the opposite. He became cold and distant, not wanting much contact when I needed him. He was civilian, he didn't understand the things I was going through and he almost ceased contact all-together, but I pushed and pushed, effectively pushing him away. I came home and that night he broke up with me. That being said the civvie can push the other way too. Don't push, though. It's not good. Give him space and see if he chases you once he realizes you're night fighting for his attention anymore.
Your platoon mates are very in-tune to what he's going through and he may feel that he just wants to talk to them. They spend 18 hours a day awake with these people, he just might want to enjoy the time he has left with them; some people he will never see again.

As for his next posting, only the people that had hard postings knew where they were going. I didn't have trades training right after basic, so they permanently posted me until I went to borden 5 months later. I found out in week 10 of basic where I was going. Everyone else who had their next phase of training right after didn't find out until I think Grad week where they were going.

Don't fret. I know it's hard, but give him space.
What week is he in now? Perhaps I can give you a hint as to where he is in his training and the stressors he may be facing.

 

[holieee]

I'm going to play devils advocate here, but if he's not even telling you about the details of his Grad, would you really want to be with a person who isn't man enough to tell you he doesn't want you to come to his grad? If he's being coy, why doesn't he just tell you he doesn't want you to come?

Are his parents going? does he talk to them at all? Do they know the details of the graduation?


After the graduates finish their parade, they march out of site to dismiss and return their Accoutrements. From there, they go back to the mega to return their rifles, this all takes time. Eventually they will form up outside the mess to walk in to see their family and friends. This is where you will be able to see him for the first time on grad day.

Also, the day before graduation, recruits are usually allowed out for a few hours to spend time with family. Has he talked about this at all?
Please don't be scared if he seems weird or distant after the fact. A huge weight is being lifted from his shoulders, finally being done. At the same time, the reality that he's done and has 'freedom' will hit him.
I found it very strange to be done basic. It all hit me too fast and everything was very surreal, I couldn't talk to my family much- I didn't even know what to say.
The magnitude of him being done, that months of hard work are over, might make him seem 'off', too.

 

[stacey101]

My experience in the mega is the same that was explained already. My boyfriend and I were over the moon about each other in our honey moon phase while I was in basic. While I was in Borden, however, quite the opposite. He became cold and distant, not wanting much contact when I needed him. He was civilian, he didn't understand the things I was going through and he almost ceased contact all-together, but I pushed and pushed, effectively pushing him away. I came home and that night he broke up with me. That being said the civvie can push the other way too. Don't push, though. It's not good. Give him space and see if he chases you once he realizes you're night fighting for his attention anymore.
Your platoon mates are very in-tune to what he's going through and he may feel that he just wants to talk to them. They spend 18 hours a day awake with these people, he just might want to enjoy the time he has left with them; some people he will never see again.

As for his next posting, only the people that had hard postings knew where they were going. I didn't have trades training right after basic, so they permanently posted me until I went to borden 5 months later. I found out in week 10 of basic where I was going. Everyone else who had their next phase of training right after didn't find out until I think Grad week where they were going.

Don't fret. I know it's hard, but give him space.
What week is he in now? Perhaps I can give you a hint as to where he is in his training and the stressors he may be facing.

he has 1.5 weeks left. Unfortunately, I think i pushed him too far without even knowing it.
The last 2 weeks were filled with nearly hateful comments from him to me, and i just stopped 'chasing him' mid last week to give him his space. On Saturday, i logged onto facebook and thats when I found out he broke up with me. He literally did it over facebook after agreeing to talk to me in person next week, then denying that agreement ( He has never lied to me before he went to basic.... ) To say the least, I am beyond heartbroken as I never seen any of this coming, the most I keep telling myself at this point is I should never of asked him what was wrong a few weeks ago when he was acting - off.  Im still going to to his Graduation next week, a part of me is saying once he sees me he'll remember he still loves me but the other half of me is preparing for closure. 

 

[stacey101]

I'm going to play devils advocate here, but if he's not even telling you about the details of his Grad, would you really want to be with a person who isn't man enough to tell you he doesn't want you to come to his grad? If he's being coy, why doesn't he just tell you he doesn't want you to come?

Are his parents going? does he talk to them at all? Do they know the details of the graduation?


After the graduates finish their parade, they march out of site to dismiss and return their Accoutrements. From there, they go back to the mega to return their rifles, this all takes time. Eventually they will form up outside the mess to walk in to see their family and friends. This is where you will be able to see him for the first time on grad day.

Also, the day before graduation, recruits are usually allowed out for a few hours to spend time with family. Has he talked about this at all?
Please don't be scared if he seems weird or distant after the fact. A huge weight is being lifted from his shoulders, finally being done. At the same time, the reality that he's done and has 'freedom' will hit him.
I found it very strange to be done basic. It all hit me too fast and everything was very surreal, I couldn't talk to my family much- I didn't even know what to say.
The magnitude of him being done, that months of hard work are over, might make him seem 'off', too.

he hardly speaks to his mom, all of 4 times - 3 calls 1 text. I use to hear from him nightly.
I spoke to him about seeing him the day before, he replied "you'd be spending it alone or with who ever you hook up with" -- these are the comments that make no sense to me, from messages telling me how much he is in love with me and missing me to hostile comments that make no sense.  He broke up with me on Saturday over.... facebook. I logged on and seen I was single.

Im still going to his graduation, a part of me wants to believe him seeing me will fix this mess but the other half is just waiting for a cold distant shoulder to throw me the rest of the way out the door.

 

[Good2Golf]

Don't beat yourself up.  Life is filled with "I could have, would have, should have...[done X...]"

No one truly knows how they'll react to a specific situation until they get there. It's even harder to try and figure out how someone else will react to a situation they've never been in before, so you shouldn't try to figure how you could have done things differently.

What you can affect is your own life, so make sure you don't do yourself a disservice by losing focus on your life, your family, and the things that will matter to you for the rest of your own life.

:2c:

G2G

 

[Gunner98]

stacey,

I think you know that you need to prepare yourself for the scenario in which he has replaced you by someone he met while he has been away.  That too can be one of the norms in his new peer group.  If this is the case, likely it could have happened at some point further down the road.  When you asked him what was wrong, you were being supportive and caring; ignoring the observation would not have had any different result.  The "hateful" comments being sent your way could be an expression of his guilt and disappointment in himself.  Since you are determined to be there for his graduation, I send you best wishes and encourage you to be supportive and caring but to be prepared for the additional changes in him.

 

[Bruce Monkhouse]

On Saturday, i logged onto facebook and thats when I found out he broke up with me. He literally did it over facebook 

Frig 'em,...he's an asshole. [and still being too kind]

( He has never lied to me before he went to basic.... )

Yes he has.......you just didn't know. [see first reply]

 

[mariomike]

^ What Bruce said. ^

On Saturday, i logged onto facebook and thats when I found out he broke up with me.

"Social" media, as they call it, has added a whole new level of mortification to the process of breaking up.

 

[krimynal]

he has 1.5 weeks left. Unfortunately, I think i pushed him too far without even knowing it.
The last 2 weeks were filled with nearly hateful comments from him to me, and i just stopped 'chasing him' mid last week to give him his space. On Saturday, i logged onto facebook and thats when I found out he broke up with me. He literally did it over facebook after agreeing to talk to me in person next week, then denying that agreement ( He has never lied to me before he went to basic.... ) To say the least, I am beyond heartbroken as I never seen any of this coming, the most I keep telling myself at this point is I should never of asked him what was wrong a few weeks ago when he was acting - off.  Im still going to to his Graduation next week, a part of me is saying once he sees me he'll remember he still loves me but the other half of me is preparing for closure.

if he didn't even had enough balls to come up to you and talk to you directly regarding a broke up , trust me you are way better alone then with his stupid a**.  Things are not easy for any Military Wife .... but some men are simply plain stupid ahole .....

Trust me its way better off for you to be out of his life , imagine you waiting for him while hes deployed , stressing out for everything only to know when he comesback how much hes been lying and cheating on you !

 

[Jarnhamar]

Im still going to to his Graduation next week, a part of me is saying once he sees me he'll remember he still loves me but the other half of me is preparing for closure.

Bad idea.  If he has a new GF there's a good chance she will be there. Or if he started dating someone on course she will be there. You're setting yourself up for more heart ache, stress and a wasted trip.

 

[mariomike]

He broke up with me on Saturday over.... facebook. I logged on and seen I was single.

Im still going to his graduation, a part of me wants to believe him seeing me will fix this mess but the other half is just waiting for a cold distant shoulder to throw me the rest of the way out the door.

Are you sure that is a good idea?

 

[The Bread Guy]

Bad idea.  If he has a new GF there's a good chance she will be there. Or if he started dating someone on course she will be there.

Also a bad idea if he's not dating anybody else, and just wants to be without anyone right now.  Either way ....

You're setting yourself up for more heart ache, stress and a wasted trip.

:nod:

Frig 'em,...he's an asshole. [and still being too kind]

Too true ....

While we try to be as helpful as possible online, do you have anyone you can talk to about this?  It may be easier to absorb hearing it from someone like a friend than from strangers online.

 

[Pushpin]

You're worth more than the way he has treated you.  I encourage you to take the money you were planning to spend on going to his graduation and instead treat yourself!  Buy an expensive jacket or some new shoes.  Or go to a play or go see a band live.  Don't waste your money on this guy, you deserve better.

 

[stacey101]

Also a bad idea if he's not dating anybody else, and just wants to be without anyone right now.  Either way .... :nod:Too true ....

While we try to be as helpful as possible online, do you have anyone you can talk to about this?  It may be easier to absorb hearing it from someone like a friend than from strangers online.

Bad idea.  If he has a new GF there's a good chance she will be there. Or if he started dating someone on course she will be there. You're setting yourself up for more heart ache, stress and a wasted trip.

if he didn't even had enough balls to come up to you and talk to you directly regarding a broke up , trust me you are way better alone then with his stupid a**.  Things are not easy for any Military Wife .... but some men are simply plain stupid ahole .....

Trust me its way better off for you to be out of his life , imagine you waiting for him while hes deployed , stressing out for everything only to know when he comesback how much hes been lying and cheating on you !

You're worth more than the way he has treated you.  I encourage you to take the money you were planning to spend on going to his graduation and instead treat yourself!  Buy an expensive jacket or some new shoes.  Or go to a play or go see a band live.  Don't waste your money on this guy, you deserve better.

I think i've included everyones comment if I havent, very sorry I did read them all tho!
As for someone to talk about it too, in the area - he literally is...was my only friend outside of coworkers who have now moved. I wasnt lonely before the break up,  that only set in when this all went down hill as i didnt just lose a lover but a best friend in one shot  The ticket for the trip, is non-refundable, non-transferable. SO when this all crashes on grad, I intend to make the most of my time in Montreal with his mom and do some tourist sight seeing as Im typically a wildlife/rehab volunteer when I travel. 

And I do agree, this was a childish move on his behalf especially after agreeing to talk in person TWICE prior to Saturday.  The most I got out of the conversation when I realized what he had done was money was a concern from him in regards to him not being able to afford much the next few years and having to live on base ( why im pointing that out is simply because it was the most RANDOM comment he could of thrown in the conversation) ... and to clarify im not an expensive girlfriend. I ask for pizza on date night, and a movie on a cheap night monthly.... so the money thing really has me thrown off thinking he thinks he suddenly needs to spend a fortune on me.  Either way at this point... i'm crossing every digit that there isnt a replacement as much as my gut is hinting on to this being an issue as it happened after a weekend DT ( this would be the nightmare).  However this being said, what ever way this turns  in the end - lesson learned, if this ever happens again.... make sure they actually want you there. This is going to go one of two ways at the end of that day, heartbreak/closure or one very emotionally stressed 21 year old who ends up asking for forgiveness ( but im taking the first one with me to prepare myself for what ever happens that day ).

 

[MJP]

The ticket for the trip, is non-refundable, non-transferable. SO when this all crashes on grad, I intend to make the most of my time in Montreal with his mom and

Holy fuck...Now you are drifting in crazy ex status.

You know why divorces are so expensive?  Because they are worth it.  Consider the cost of your ticket as being worth it for not having him in your life and go have fun.