BMQ and seperation anxiety

[I_Drive_Planes]

I was paid for the time up until my release date (which was actually about four days after I got home).  If they aren't paying us to be there then they really can't keep us there while our releases are being processed.  Sometimes they do put the people on PAT to work (I got the feeling that the Recruit's side did a whole lot more work on PAT than the Ocdts did) on things like filling sandbags at Farnham, and if someone pissed off the PO they could expect to get graveyard green desk duty (and their release file would mysteriously fall behind the desk and not be found for awhile).  They can't expect people to do that work for free.  I received 4 or 5 cheques after I got home, the total IIRC was about $500, but the only one that I had any explanation for was when I got my final pay and my pension contributions back.

Planes

 

[armyjewelz]

EEk at the risk of sounding stupid... "IIRC"?

and now at the risk of starting a hug fest... (Not my intention at all but I receive a fair amount of replies to this thread asking what's going on so would rather post publicly.  Besides, this may serve useful for someone who goes through this later.)

After last nights absolute disaster and being called horrible names for my lack os sensitivity and such, today I was just myself with him and amazingly, the chat went really nice.  We spoke 2 or 3 times today as he is on weekend and other than sewing his name into EVERYTHING and getting prepared for inspection, he has tons of time (Sarcasm) Every time he sounded much more himself and actually got into a real chat about day to day life and shared some stories about the fun things going on there, which was really nice afer the incesant fighting we have been having.  I even got to hear one of the fire inspectors flipping out on some guy for having his locker open.. It was amusing!!

So once again, back to the "who kows what he is doing."  He still seems very very adament about OTing and he wants me to begin working on a plan to move close for the remainder of whatever training he has after basic.  If he stays in infantry, than we might rent a furnished apartment in Alta, pack the car as full of clothes as we can and put everything else in storage.  We will see.  I may sound pathetic but I am determined to see him through this as long as he is committed.  If that takes having his kids closer to him, than that is what I will do.  Although I must say it would be nice if he managed to OT and he took an Occupation that would put him on 10 weeks BMQ followed by OJT that was more than 6 months, then we would just be moved with him.  We shall see. 

P.S - I am very aware of how hard deployments and such will be on him if he is having this difficulty getting through now without us, however I have to think it is a little different being in a situation that you have no choice.  Not like you can VR on deployment. Spose you could but the reprecussions would be so much steeper than now! Ha...

 

[I_Drive_Planes]

My apologies, IIRC = If I Recall Correctly

I'm glad to hear that things are going better for you two, and good on him for deciding not to VR!

Planes

 

[armyjewelz]

and good on him for deciding not to VR!
Planes

So far..... :-\

 

[FastEddy]

So far..... :-\

armyjewelz, whereas Basic Training in any Military Force can be strange and maybe terrifying, its a norm for the course. Its not even much different at RCMP Depot.

Somehow I feel there is a greater under lying factor other than the new recruit panic which I think everybody felt on their indoctrination.

Your Husbands life long desire to join the the Military seems to pose a few questions, 1 Why he did not enlist when he was 18-19, 2 Why when it was only just right, my impression of that, it was financially convenient. 3 thought not unheard of, years of marriage and accumulating a family. With regard to Nr.3 I would have thought the Reserves would have been a better choice

Is your Husband not aware of the Stress this matter and his behavior is causing you. To say the least his last outburst.

My sympathies and concern are solely directed at you for what you must be going through.

As Kincades pointed out (he needs a swift kick in the butt) not a soft shoulder to cry on.

Its sounding very much like the Army is not for him or the Storey Book Dream of it he had. Maybe he will be able to make a complete turn around lets hope so.

It is not my place or position to offer the following, but IMHO, I'd say, Get on with it or Get Out, period, and no more crappy calls until you have something usefull to say.


.

 

[Shadow Cat]

I have to say here that my DH was in shock very much the same as what her DH is.  He has pulled though it now.  But it is the person on the other end encouraging them that everything will be alright and that they have someone rooting for them and letting them know that they can do it that helps to pull them through.  It just takes time for them to get used to the shock of being taking away from everything (spouse, kids, friends).  Once he gets more comfortable with this new life, he should be doing much much better.

 

[armyjewelz]

Thank you for your sympathy, and it is duely noted and appreciated however I do feel you were a little quick to jump in afew areas, while other things you have said were very true.

My biggest defence here has to be the "Why didn't he do it at 18 or 19?"  There have been numerous personal issues behind that.. He has been accepted 3 times prior. The first time his life was far from stable (personal) the second time, he was in a bad car accident in which he was promised he would not go army at all.. His determination got him to this point in which he has been able to actually do it despite what has been said.

As far as finances, while yes, the security of this job will be nice, we were financially "survivng" before... The biggest problem is he has promised us the future and now that we have tasted it, of course its what we want.

I gave him the kick in the butt routine until Friday night when I figured he was going to quit.. Then after expressing my extreme dissapointment... I went back to normal... Since then, I have gotten my old husband back! He is awesome on the phone now! Talks about what is going on and how much he enjoys everything (Other than being apart)  The VR conversation has been replaced with talks about graduation and as much as he still feels he should OT (His expectations have not changed since he was 18 and now he realises he isn;t 18 and being away infanrty all the time might not be the best.. Cause we didn't ALL TELL HIM THAT!  :) he knows that in worst case scenario he gets through all of this and then remusters.  It is SOOO much more positive and SOO much less stressful.

Last night I made a commitment that if he finishes BQ that we will pack all the clothes we need in the car, put everything else in storage and drive up to Alberta inti a furnished suite so he will be able to come home on any free weekends he may encounter... I think this idea has also helped alot!

While I am all for the tough love and "Don't show your weak" approach, it just hasn't worked for him.  He is realy doing alot better.  Granted I have told him he absolutely can;t quit and so on and so fourth and for all the reasons including pride etc. and when he brings it up, I say, You know what? I STILL  feel that way, I am just not going to be a bitch about it anymore.

He asks if we have enough money... (We don't) He asks if everything is ok at home (Sorta) He asks how I am handling things (Not well) He asks if our daughter is having a hard time (She is)  The resonding answer is, "No babe, we're doing fine. We are proud of you, just keep going."

So in that sense.. I am doing what needs to be done.

Thanks for your input and I am SURE this thread will stay active as we move through the next several weeks and face much more Drama, but it is easier to be on the other side of the fence. Like ShadowCat said... No 2 cases are the same.



Cheers

 

[armyjewelz]

Ironically I was mentioning Shadowcat and her ears were burning! Ha!

I think some of what he has said is true.. I DO believe he is 31 and has put everything aside for this, so it IS time to get it on, but I am learning that the approach to get someone there is not always the same for everyone

 

[spud]

armyjewelz,

From my experience, i wanted to ski-idaddle home the week after I got to basic. My son was 2 months old, I was homesick, i came up with the wildest excuses in the world, I didn't think straight at all. Tried to quit, the Srmajor told me to give it another week, would take that long for the paperwork anyway. He blasted me, told me to suck it up, I had family now and responsibilities, blah blah blah. So I said "yes Srmajor" and left. I thought all week about how relieved I would be to finally VR. Exactly 7 days later he called me into the office. Then the worm turned.

What do you want to do he said? "I want to stay Srtmajor". He looked at me and started yelling "why should I let you stay in my miltary, your weak, you wanted to quit, etc". So I told him "I have responsibilities, I have a family now" (basically regurgitating what he told me one week earlier!).

He told me I could stay but he would be keeping an eye on me. Everytime he saw me he gave me hell, no matter where I was.  Something clicked in during that week and it sounds like the switch has been hit on your guy as well so don't give up on him.

moral of the story

At the graduation party the Srmajor made a small speech and left the stage. He came and sat with me and my family and he told me how well I had done. I was the only recruit he took the time to talk to.  I would have done anything that guy asked me to at that point! Made the whole thing worthwhile.

Chin up, he'll get through it.

potato

 

[Griswald DME]

No he won't have to pay back his flight.  The only thing, as one person mentioned if he has taken more LTA than he is entitled to he would need to pay that back.

VR is so phucking easy - sorry for the harsh language, it's a bit of a peeve of mine.  It's simply TOO freaking easy in my opinion.  I saw too many good men and women drop out and I knew some of them would have made excellent soldiers and highly skilled trades.  I often wonder how many of them regret it.

I feel sorry for the (many) spouses, girlfriends, mothers, whoever that has to be on the receiving end of a lot of bmq calls from upset men and women who want to VR.  And I feel sorry for you, it must be very tough.

Fasteddy has some excellent advice, I would also have to agree with the (even though it sounds cruel) put up, shut up and just do it.  It's only 10 weeks for pete's sake.  It will be over in no time and your husband will look back and think "Geeze, it's over... that wasn't so bad after all".  (once it's over that is).

Good luck to your husband.  And to you.

DME

 

[Kat Stevens]

I don't mean to sound like an insensitive clod...BUT.... EFF ME!!  It's not like he's in a Siberian gulag getting his politics rewired.  BMQ or whatever the acronym du jour is, is not designed to kill anyone, but turn them into a BASICALLY trained soldier, err, service member, whatever.  Virtually all trades in the military have to be deployable, and honestly, 10 weeks in Quebec doesn't even come close to 6-12 months in some of Earths many above ground pits.  Sorry, needed to vent, lock n load, I await the flames.... >

 

[Bert]

Those that have gone through BMQ, been on taskings or deployments, have acquired enough
experience/conditioning to think BMQ is a piece of cake.   For a civilian going through a BMQ and
experiencing the military for the first time can find it a drastic shock.   The recruits that get over
the inital shock or hump within the first two weeks of BMQ settle down quickly once they accept the
situation.   To varying degrees, everyone experiences it.

On my BMQ, there was a guy who hit the hump pretty hard in the second week.   He wanted to VR.  
The section gathered around and talked about it; the reasons why he wanted to join in the first place,
the chance at an exciting career with opportunies and stability, and if he decided to VR, it would take
several weeks.   If he continued on in BMQ, it would be over in a relative few weeks anyway.   Might as
well settle down and enjoy it rather than being stuck on PAT awaiting a VR.  

He decided not to VR, worked hard, and was eventually nominated for platoon's Comradeship award at
the end of the course.  

 

[George Wallace]

Well, he will be done his first two weeks by now (As of the first info in the first post.)  He will have probably stood on parade with the whole School for the Remembrance Day Service.  I am curious how he feels now?  Is he starting to feel what it truly means to don the uniform?

 

[armyjewelz]

Bert,

I have to thank you for being so beutral in your response, I think others are very quick to flame someone having a hard time, and yes we cann all sit here and say, he has three kids and what is he doing and blah blah blah..

The most irritating thing for me is those who say things like "It's ONLY 10 weeks" Guess what, it's NOT... it is almost 9 months he will be apart from us as his courses are all 10 weeks and seperate so the military will not pay for us to be with him. 

I agree.. All trades WILL take him away from home... but when heis there, he will know HOW LONG he is gone for and that he is guaranteed to come home at the end and most of all that he can't quit.

As much as I can sit here and say 8 - 9 months training.. that is pending no recourses... While he is doing fantastic marks wise.. he has a badly infected foot now that he has intentionally seeked no more help than that of his platoon mates with medical background as he is sooo scared of being PAT and then Recoursed.  Which then takes him to what? 10 , 12, 24 months gone?  Don;t laugh as I have heard of the solider who goes away for 6 months training and comes back 2 years later... far too often.  It is a harsh reality and something he isn't prepared for.

So ya, I am harsh on him most of the time and I come on here with a tough front but in the end.. Can I relate?m Absolutely... Like I said, and Bert and Shadow amongst others who I am forgetting to mention... It is absolutely a shock to the system.

That being said... He is being a hell of a trooper... He starts week 3 on Monday.  He LOVES the course, LOVES drill the whole works.... but he has MASSIVE seperation anxiety and he wants to come home... He has commited to finishing basic and going from there... The phonecalls are MUCH easier and I feel for him with an infected foot that he can barely get in his boot now.

He has absolutely sucked it up and I am proud of him.

Now I just want to say that I do appreciate every once of info and help and opinions everyone has offered, just because I choose to disagree with some does not mean I do not value them all the same.

Thank you.

(HugFest)   And thanks for checking up on Me/Him... Here starts another week...

Cheers!

 

[kimmie]

Jewelz,

So glad dh is doing better. Sorry to hear about his foot...yuck :-\. I hope it starts getting better soon. And I am so glad he has decided to stick this out and go through BMQ. YAY for both of you. Hope you had fun, I obviously haven't heard from you in a while. Call me and fill me in. ;D I am knee deep in boxes and am seriously reconsidering this.  :-X

 

[paracowboy]

gee, didn't someone say on the first page of this kumbayah sing-along that it was probably nerves and that we should give him a few weeks?

 

[Griswald DME]

I am also glad to hear he is doing better.  I don't think any one of us went thru basic without thinking of VR'ing at least a million times.

For the only 10 weeks part, I apologize as you seem to have taken a personal offence to my message.  I mentioned in my previous post I meant once its over he will look back and think "oh that wasn't so bad".  For myself, and many others on my bmq course we thought the same thing. You asked for advise on anything that can help him get thru it, and army.ca members obliged.  I was quite surprised by the response when we were only trying to assist.  However, I think most of us can understand you would be sensative at the moment with your husband in bmq.  I know my wife was as well.

Which got me thinking so I asked my wife just now her thoughts on me going away for long periods of time (My trade takes me away often) and she basically shrugged her shoulders and said it was tough at first, but now we have a family and lots of close friends nearby, its not bad at all.  She said that maybe you are in a new relationship and haven't gotten to the point where you don't mind if your husband leaves for a while so you get some peace and quiet.  And she added "tell her the money is good overseas!".  (geeze, now I think I need marital counselling - or at least a boost to the old self esteem.  thanks. thanks a lot.)  ;D


DME

 

[armyjewelz]

Now I just want to say that I do appreciate every once of info and help and opinions everyone has offered, just because I choose to disagree with some does not mean I do not value them all the same.

Griswald - Exactly why I posted the above No offence was taken and I wish you wouldn't either

Para  - AWWWW!!!! I love ya huney... LOL  You know sometimes I just have to get these stupid things out despite your almighty infinite knowledge right? Yes, You were right (And this is in my teasing voice by the way)


I expect thing to get better/easier... I expect to be highly emotional... I expect that there will/have been times where I will absolutely doubt myself and him. I expect that people will call me a retard and immature and the likes either to my face or behind my back.. I expect that all of you who have been there, are going there and know what I am talking about will continue to offer me your words, both kind and harsh.. THank you   I truely do appreciate the knowledge regardless of whether I agree, as I mentioned before.
Cheers and here's hoping the phone calls will be good hence fourth.. ALthough I am seriously nervous about his foot.

 

[armyjewelz]

So, for those following this thread...

DH was put on 7 days restriction yesterday.

Since about day 3, his foot has been bothering him bad.. Wahh.. I know.. But he was so concerned about being recoursed and being away longer than necessary, that he did the manly "Soldier On" approach and never said a word.  Acouple Medics in his Platton took care of it one night and while bandaging it, said "You REALLY need to go to MIR" Well, being a man, he asked PO if there was a cobbler on base and being told no, he carrier on... He told me one night that it looked like a "Bullet wound with a huge swollen purple area around it"
He tried to wrap it and was in trouble for using gauze.. Anyways.. eventually he was told to march through grass and that was it, apparently he was limping despite his best efforts to hide his injury.  So he was sent to MIR who told him a week longer and he would have had blood poisoning and been put on IV. So he is on 7 days restricted physical activity.
For anyone who doesn't know how it works (I am just quoting what I have been told) if he misses 9 of any one class, he is put on PAT and then Recoursed to whatever comes available, which could be first week.  Since he was in the last platoon for the 11 week program, this means he would do the 13 week.  He says he has awesome staff right now which is quite possibly a big part of what has gotten him through so far.. He would have new staff... YAAA! More time away and with possibly not-so-understanding staff. This sounds like win win...
So far he has missed 2 drill classes (often times there are 2 or 3 drills in a day) and 2 PE classes. He returns to the Dr. on Sunday to check how he is healing.. We are not religious but are praying that the Dr. will say he is healing fast and he will be able to return prior to the 9 missed.

In the meantime, the injury was caused because he has a high instep (GEE CAUSE I NEVER TOLD HIM THAT IN THE BEGINNING :) and he cannot wear standard issue boots. He needs specialty boots made.

THe phone calls home have not been near as bad as I suspected they would be.  He does sound slightly depressed, obviously, but he doesn't mention VRing, which I thought would be his first sentence.  When I tell him he is handling it really well, he responds with...
"I still hold a ray of hope that I will not be recoursed."

Here's hoping.

 

[Mojo Magnum]

Hang tuff there Jewelz.  Sounds like you're one heck of a supportive woman!  Way to go

I'm at St. Jean right now, in week 8 and I must say that, as a "married with kids" recruit, all my preparation went in to PT.  I was totally blindsided by how much I missed my family.  The main thing I wanted to share here is that.....at first you have no freedom to move around at all.  Which makes the anxiety even worse.  BUT IT PASSES QUICKLY!!.  By week 4 or so you gain more freedom, see new recruits coming in who look absolutely terrified (which is kinda funny, because you soon see that there is nothing to be terrified about).  The weeks will fly by, he'll soon be free to go to the store, see a movie and feel a little more like a human being again (not to mention have a beer!!). 

And once that sense of accomplishment kicks in, he'll probably be  bouncing off the ceiling as he realizes just how cool it is to go ARMY!!!!
(he is ARMY right, Infantry if I recall from earlier in the thread.)

Having lived some of what your hubby is going through, and after reading your posts I must say that I am hopeful for him.  As he gets to know members of his platoon and camaraderie takes hold, he'll probably be crying when they all go there separate ways at grad.

Last thing,
once you get through week 7, you're pretty much home free.  All exams are done, you just have to get through the outdoor portion.  (for the 11 week course anyway).  As he starts to learn a bit more about where the "mile stones" are in the course, it won't seem so long. 


The week's really do FLY by.
later.