A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 60
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his selling techniques but that he would sit
in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his selling techniques but that he would sit
in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
Bert
Sr. Member
- Reaction score
- 4
- Points
- 230
This one is for Inch and all the pilots on army.ca.
Blind Pilots
The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the
aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the
other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter
spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door
closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the
cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane! is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."
Blind Pilots
The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the
aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the
other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter
spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door
closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the
cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane! is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
Working for the CQ I couldn't win for losing. Here are two true anectodes -
On a ten week ex in wonderful Wainwright we sent laundry out on a daily basis. One day when it returned I grabbed the CO and driver's laundry (a good friend) and took it over to their biv site. As I was doing this, the CO arr at our tent and asked for his laundry. It wasn't there, and he said "If my laundry is f**ked up then how can I know it's not all fouled up?"
On return from the same Ex we had taken the RSMs rucksack and duffel bag as he had made separate travel arrangements. The CQ ordered me to "take over to the red half ton truck parked in front of the Sergeants mess". I asked "what's the plate number?". The CQ said "just f**king do it!" I did - the red half ton with no back cab. Next morning, in front of 600 soldiers the RSM called me out..
Like I said, can't win for losing....
On a ten week ex in wonderful Wainwright we sent laundry out on a daily basis. One day when it returned I grabbed the CO and driver's laundry (a good friend) and took it over to their biv site. As I was doing this, the CO arr at our tent and asked for his laundry. It wasn't there, and he said "If my laundry is f**ked up then how can I know it's not all fouled up?"
On return from the same Ex we had taken the RSMs rucksack and duffel bag as he had made separate travel arrangements. The CQ ordered me to "take over to the red half ton truck parked in front of the Sergeants mess". I asked "what's the plate number?". The CQ said "just f**king do it!" I did - the red half ton with no back cab. Next morning, in front of 600 soldiers the RSM called me out..
Like I said, can't win for losing....
Jungle
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 12
- Points
- 430
Soon after receiving the C9 at the unit, we are doing range work with it. A Major shows up at the ammo point, interested about the new weapon and it's capabilities. While someone is explaining to him how to zero the weapon, and how we break the belt in 5-round lengths to do it, he asks: "... yes, but do tracer rounds make a whole in the target ???" 
George Wallace
Army.ca Dinosaur
- Reaction score
- 184
- Points
- 710
News Flash
This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan -- Taliban Minister
of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military
action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.
This thing is getting ugly.
This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan -- Taliban Minister
of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military
action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.
This thing is getting ugly.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
This has had me peeing my pants all day, it's a must read.
http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html
http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html
Scratch_043
Sr. Member
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
http://www.skippyslist.com/skippyfriends.html
Most recent addition, skippy has some new friends.
Nic
Most recent addition, skippy has some new friends.
Nic
B
Brando304
Guest
I havn't heard to many good ones, but I did hear this one the other day: ' A guy in the army walks in the washroom and starts to take a leak, a few moments later, a guy in the navy walks in and begins leaking right beside him. The navy guy finishes first (The army guy being more of a man, obviosly takes a longer leak) and begins washing his hands. Finnally the Army guy finishes, and heads for the door. The navy guy says to him: "You know in the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands when were finished." The Army guy replys: "Yeah, well in the Army they teach us not to piss on our hands."
LOL, that's probably the best one I've heard, so if anyone has any other ones, by all means post em. :blotto:
LOL, that's probably the best one I've heard, so if anyone has any other ones, by all means post em. :blotto:
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 160
I don't know where I heard this one, but damn, do I ever love it.
Q. Have you ever seen the famous French Army knife?
- "No?"
A. It has five corkscrews and a white flag.
Q. Have you ever seen the famous French Army knife?
- "No?"
A. It has five corkscrews and a white flag.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 60
There is the classic "How do you seperate the boys from the men in the navy... WITH A CROWBAR!"
Yea yea yeah, had to be the first to post it.
Yea yea yeah, had to be the first to post it.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 410
not really a military joke but I just got this in my e-mail and thought I'd share:
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
NCOs and Officers
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be an Officer".
"I am" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the NCO, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be an Officer".
"I am" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the NCO, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
Soldier, Sailor, and Airman
A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.
"It is the laser," said the soldier, an man of obviously superior intellect. "The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional."
"No," interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is radar. With radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch."
"I disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. "The greatest invention is the thermos."
"The thermos?!!?" exclaimed the other two.
"Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, jus' think about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it."
"Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two.
"Well," said the airman, "How does it know?"
A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.
"It is the laser," said the soldier, an man of obviously superior intellect. "The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional."
"No," interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is radar. With radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch."
"I disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. "The greatest invention is the thermos."
"The thermos?!!?" exclaimed the other two.
"Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, jus' think about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it."
"Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two.
"Well," said the airman, "How does it know?"
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
thanks there some more:
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher - "Aim towards Enemy."
****
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
*****
A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for
the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"
The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do
you think of, Sergeant?"
"I think somebody stole the damn tent."
*****
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."
*****
One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...
- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook
"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."
-Russian military doctrine.
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher - "Aim towards Enemy."
****
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
*****
A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for
the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"
The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do
you think of, Sergeant?"
"I think somebody stole the damn tent."
*****
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."
*****
One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...
- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook
"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."
-Russian military doctrine.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
Hi,
Quote from Elric - "Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher - "Aim towards Enemy."
Not a joke as such, but I have a Lee Enfield 303, Parker Hale conversion, and I'm pretty certain(98%) that it was used by the French Army during WW2.
Why - there is an arrow etched into the outside of the breech pointing toward the front end where the bullet comes out ! ;D
Drummy
Quote from Elric - "Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher - "Aim towards Enemy."
Not a joke as such, but I have a Lee Enfield 303, Parker Hale conversion, and I'm pretty certain(98%) that it was used by the French Army during WW2.
Why - there is an arrow etched into the outside of the breech pointing toward the front end where the bullet comes out ! ;D
Drummy
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
2 F-18s are escorting a C-130 on a cross-Canada trip, and the pilots are yacking it up on the radio.
The f-18 pilots (being fighter jocks) are bragging about their aircraft and how amazing they are to fly. One of them, to make his point, abruptly departs formation to demonstrate some high-G, high-stress manoeuvers. When he's done, he says "That was such an amazing rush, I bet you would just love to be able to do that, buddy-boy!"
The C-130 pilot responds "Yep, that was pretty neat; but get a load of THIS!"
The air goes dead for about five minutes. All aircraft continue flying straight and level.
The Herc pilot comes back on and says "So, what about that, then? Wasn't that pretty neat?"
The two fighter pilots are confused. Finally one comes on and says "What about what? Nothing happened, except maybe in your mind."
"Well," comes the response, "I just got up, stretched my legs, took a leak, and grabbed a cup of coffee. Now don't you guys wish you could do that?"
The f-18 pilots (being fighter jocks) are bragging about their aircraft and how amazing they are to fly. One of them, to make his point, abruptly departs formation to demonstrate some high-G, high-stress manoeuvers. When he's done, he says "That was such an amazing rush, I bet you would just love to be able to do that, buddy-boy!"
The C-130 pilot responds "Yep, that was pretty neat; but get a load of THIS!"
The air goes dead for about five minutes. All aircraft continue flying straight and level.
The Herc pilot comes back on and says "So, what about that, then? Wasn't that pretty neat?"
The two fighter pilots are confused. Finally one comes on and says "What about what? Nothing happened, except maybe in your mind."
"Well," comes the response, "I just got up, stretched my legs, took a leak, and grabbed a cup of coffee. Now don't you guys wish you could do that?"
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
How about military practical jokes? ;D
A buddy of mine on ex in Germany many years ago had a Sec 2i/c who was the ultimate "been there, done that" dude, and very strict with his 2 militia attachments...
The ex was being conducted under NBC threat, so the troopies were in TOPP medium much of the time. Also, like many exercises at the time, 'cat' sanitation was the rule (bear in mind, this was before the pink fuzzy, PC, 'green' army days).
Anyway MCpl Nameless has to go out and dig himself a little hole one time, to take care of some very important business; not the easiest thing to do in TOPP medium, but he really had to go, so there he was, squatting in the dark with his pants down as far as he could get them, and holding his bunny suit as far out of the way as possible. His attention was somewhat occupied, so he didn't notice a couple of troops (my buddy may or may not have been one - he never would say) sneaking up behind him with a shovel.
They caught his deposit as it fell and threw the evidence into the woods once everything was done, then moved back to the carrier.
MCpl Nameless finishes his business, re-assembles his combats, and checks the hole before filling it in - finding nothing to bury. Just then the carrier starts up, and he has to re-join the section.
Many jokes are then made about the smell that he dragged in with him, and he does not take them well. Eventually, of course, the dreaded cry goes up: "GAS, GAS, GAS!"
MCpl X is the last one in the section to go to TOPP high - I wonder why?
He was also the last one to come out of TOPP high when the all clear came.
He also made a very thorough inspection of his bunny suit before returning it after end-ex.
They didn't tell him about the shovel until everyone was in the mess, completing post-ex drills.
A buddy of mine on ex in Germany many years ago had a Sec 2i/c who was the ultimate "been there, done that" dude, and very strict with his 2 militia attachments...
The ex was being conducted under NBC threat, so the troopies were in TOPP medium much of the time. Also, like many exercises at the time, 'cat' sanitation was the rule (bear in mind, this was before the pink fuzzy, PC, 'green' army days).
Anyway MCpl Nameless has to go out and dig himself a little hole one time, to take care of some very important business; not the easiest thing to do in TOPP medium, but he really had to go, so there he was, squatting in the dark with his pants down as far as he could get them, and holding his bunny suit as far out of the way as possible. His attention was somewhat occupied, so he didn't notice a couple of troops (my buddy may or may not have been one - he never would say) sneaking up behind him with a shovel.
They caught his deposit as it fell and threw the evidence into the woods once everything was done, then moved back to the carrier.
MCpl Nameless finishes his business, re-assembles his combats, and checks the hole before filling it in - finding nothing to bury. Just then the carrier starts up, and he has to re-join the section.
Many jokes are then made about the smell that he dragged in with him, and he does not take them well. Eventually, of course, the dreaded cry goes up: "GAS, GAS, GAS!"
MCpl X is the last one in the section to go to TOPP high - I wonder why?
He was also the last one to come out of TOPP high when the all clear came.
He also made a very thorough inspection of his bunny suit before returning it after end-ex.
They didn't tell him about the shovel until everyone was in the mess, completing post-ex drills.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
Navy retirement
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what
those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was
measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioner officer a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my
penis to my testicles.." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous
two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's penis and began to work back. My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied: "Vietnam"
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what
those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was
measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioner officer a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my
penis to my testicles.." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous
two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's penis and began to work back. My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied: "Vietnam"
B
Brando304
Guest
LOL, Those are great jokes guys. I got another for ya:
A new guy gets tranfered to a new platoon, and his IC says to him " Yep, well things are pretty good here, but if you're feeling like you had a bad day, just go put your penis through that hole in the barrel, and all your problems will go away."
So the new guy says, "Well I'm having a rather stressfull day as it is, mind if I test it out?" The IC gives him the go ahead, and he slips his penis through the hole, in the barrel.
"Oh,.... yeah,... that really works!" Says the new guy filled with joy.
"Yep you can do that any day of the week except for Tuesdays" Explains the IC.
The new guy asks: "Why not Tuesdays ?"
"Because your in the barrel on Tuesdays" Replys the IC.
A new guy gets tranfered to a new platoon, and his IC says to him " Yep, well things are pretty good here, but if you're feeling like you had a bad day, just go put your penis through that hole in the barrel, and all your problems will go away."
So the new guy says, "Well I'm having a rather stressfull day as it is, mind if I test it out?" The IC gives him the go ahead, and he slips his penis through the hole, in the barrel.
"Oh,.... yeah,... that really works!" Says the new guy filled with joy.
"Yep you can do that any day of the week except for Tuesdays" Explains the IC.
The new guy asks: "Why not Tuesdays ?"
"Because your in the barrel on Tuesdays" Replys the IC.
