A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!

[Slim]

Some humerous U.S. Army "buzzwords" that I found on another forum.

Primary hammer, The Hammer: A cool operational term to impress a superior
when describing the finishing force, or the main effort.

Back-Stop: A term used to cover a staff failure to properly wargame a
course of action. A term used by infantry showing how "Hope" is a method
incorporated to defeat the enemy. " If the enemy gets through the
engagement area, we have Delta Company placed here - to back stop the
Battalion defense."

Paint the Picture: A term used to gather information and assess the
situation. Usually asked by senior leaders to junior leaders. Usually
invoked after the senior leader has gotten 8 hours of sleep and knows
absolutely nothing of the tactical situation, while the battle captain has
been up all night.

Critical Terrain: Terrain that if not secured, grabbed, taken or camped
out on - you are screwed. A new category to describe terrain in FM 34-130
(Critical - Decisive - Key).

Hey, Diddle, Diddle: Group of words used to describe a possible COA that
allows for no analytical thought and ensures a minimum 75% casualty rate.
Known also, to the USMC, as High, Diddle, Diddle.

Flex : A really cool sounding non-doctrinal term used to maneuver a unit
from one location to another. Used primarily when you don‘t have a clue
where you are or how to get to the new location.

Technique: A noun, used in the phrase, "That‘s a technique." Translated,
"That‘s a really messed up way to execute this operation and you will
probably kill your entire unit. But if you want to do it that way, go
ahead."

Hang out: To establish a position characterized by a total lack of
security, soldiers asleep in hammocks and a huge BBQ pit turning out chow.
A task usually accomplished by Air Defenders.

Bells and whistles: An inordinate amount of PowerPoint graphics/animation,
not required to get necessary information communicated to another
individual or group of individuals. Commonly associated with Canine and
Equestrian Theater.

Blah, Blah, Blah: Short for, "You know what I‘m going to say anyway, so
I‘m not going to waste our time to actually say it." Also Yada Yada Yada,
or Homina Homina, or humma humma humma.

Let‘s Rock Baby: Radio Communications pro-word for, "Guidons, this is 2
Panther 6, FRAGO follows, acknowledge, over."

Drive By: Engaging the enemy while bypassing. Meets both the destruction
and bypass criteria given in the OPORD.

Zipping Around: An aviation movement technique in which the helicopters
appear to fly around aimlessly at a high rate of speed impressing the
Ground Combat Troops with their speed and dash.

Goocy (Gucci) Move: Altering Commander‘s Intent, commander‘s guidance, or
violating the fundamentals of reconnaissance or security operations.

Befuddled: Confused, characterized by a state of genuine, profound
disorientation; perpetual state of all Chemical units.

Kabookie Dance: Deceptive movement technique and/or creative verbiage used
in explanations designed to baffle enemy forces as to the main axis of
advance as well as perplex higher chains of command on what the true
purpose of your mission really is. Common most among the Field Artillery.

Flail-Ex: Also known as the planning process.

SELFCON - This is when a junior commander (usually a captain) comes to the
realization that his higher is completely clueless (perhaps even
befuddled) so he simply attaches himself and his command to another unit.

Cheetah Flips: The Course of Action Development phase of the Military
Decision Making Process (MDMP) in an imagined crisis environment (often
replicated by headquarters during daily operations).

Squirrel Ex: The Wargaming phase of the MDMP after all Cheetah Flips are
completed, briefed and refined. The Squirrel Ex phase normally culminates
with a 102 color slide briefing clearly outlining what can be said in a
well written paragraph (formerly known as the Commander‘s intent and / or
concept of the operation) this phase is often called a Cheese Ex. This is
the Force XXI cause of the "Fog of War".

Take-Down: An aggressive former wrestling term used to describe your
actions on the objective and inherent lack of regard for the enemy‘s
capabilities.

Mop-up: A term for the actions occurring just after you discover you are
actually on the objective, in the enemy‘s fire-sack.

Phase: Infantry term for we don‘t know how to write paragraph three.

Hit: Term for applying massed effects against the enemy. As in " First
we‘ll hit these guys over here then we‘ll hit these guys, and then the
guys over here will be hit with asymmetrical dominance from assets from
EAC."

Triple-Hull Down: A term associated with force-protection, fratricide and
self-preservation. In order to prevent being fired on by friends when
saying something stupid, hiding from the boss who has a tasker that only
you can fill, or to cover yourself from being smoked by anyone.

 

[Sh0rtbUs]

I got a kick out of this


The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
(Snake Model)

1. The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can‘t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don‘t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.


Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake‘s life.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don‘t show well on infra-red.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can‘t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtey

CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.

Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.

 

[D-n-A]

1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

- After wrecking your boss‘ car.

- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

- When she is using her teeth.

2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4.) If you‘ve known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend‘s fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend‘s birthday is strictly optional.

7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who‘s playing.

9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you‘re sunning on a tropical beach... and it‘s delivered by a topless supermodel...and it‘s free.

10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.

11.) Unless you‘re in prison, never fight naked.

12.) Friends don‘t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13.) If a Man‘s fly is down, that‘s his problem, you didn‘t see anything.

14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that‘s just mean.

17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you‘d better be talking about his choice of beer.

18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she‘s withholding sex pending your response.

19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:

- Yeah, Baby, Push it!

- C‘mon, give me one more! Harder!

- Another set and we can hit the showers!

20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you‘re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Mens Gymnastics. Ever.

24.) When you are queried by a buddy‘s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call ‘BULL****‘.

(Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who‘s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

28.) Before dating a buddy‘s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend‘s cat.

31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you‘ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.

(Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ***-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.)

33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

35.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "**** OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

 

[girlfiredup]

Finally, a chicken that will do what you tell it to do.

Have fun with this kids.

http://www.subservientchicken.com/

 

[Rick_Donald]

A Quebecor and an Ontarioan are walking along the beach one fine sunny day in August when Pierre stubs his toe on something.
"sacre bleu" he cries.
"What is it?" asks Terrance.
Pierre bends over and pulls out a sand encrusted relic. " I do not know" he replies.
He brushes it off to reveal a beautiful golden lamp. As he is buffing up the finish on it it starts to shake and grumble in his hand. He drops it back to the sand and with a loud crack a cloud of multicoloured smoke billows from the lamp. The smoke clears and standing before them is a funny Arabic looking man in a turban and Kaftan.
"Who the heck are you?" asks Terrance.
"I am the genie of the lamp. And I am here to grant you each a wish.
Pierre steps forward elbowing Terrance out of the way.
"Well, Mr. Genie I know what I want."
"Your wish is my command."
" I wish for a wall to be placed around Quebec twenty feet tall and hat nothing can get in or out."
Poof.Pierre disappears."It is done." states the genie."And you wish,sir"
"Well," Terrance starts,"You know Pierre‘s wish for a twenty foot wall around Quebec that nothing can get in or out of?"
"Yes."
"Fill it with water."

 

[D-n-A]

haha

http://www.bullguard.com/badnews/

 

[Spr.Earl]

Subject: Politics


While vacationing on a ranch one August day, Jean Chrétien gets thrown from his horse, lands on a rattlesnake, gets bit and dies because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we‘re not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I‘m a believer." says Chrétien.
"I‘d like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in **** and one day in Heaven, then you must choose where you‘ll live for eternity."
"But, I‘ve already made up my mind, I want to be in Heaven," replied Chrétien.
"I‘m sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down,, down, all the way to ****. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Liberals who had helped him out over the years Pierre Trudeau, Jean Marchand, Pelletier, St Laurent etc . . .
The whole of the "Left" was there . . everyone laughing . . happy and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants." They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Chrétien with a frosty drink.
"Have a Margarita and relax, Jean!"
"Uh, I can‘t drink no more, I took a pledge," says Chrétien, dejectedly.
"This is ****, son you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Chrétien takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like they pulled on the GST and Free Trade promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it‘s time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Chrétien steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it‘s time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So, for 24 hours Chrétien is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other‘s company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or fratboy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it‘s not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn‘t see anybody he knows, and he isn‘t even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Pierre Trudeau never prepared me for this." The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, you‘ve spent a day in **** and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the ‘Jeopardy‘ theme playing softly in the background, Chrétien reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I‘d say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in **** with my friends."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, all the way to ****. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste (kind of like SUDBURY). He is horrified to see all of his
friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Chrétien and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don‘t understand," stammers a shocked Chrétien, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there‘s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

 

[Michael Dorosh]

I do up a "Disaster Fan Out" every month for my civilian job.  It's just a phone list like you have in the Militia.

Because it is called a "Disaster Fan Out", when I email it out to department secretaries and managers, I have come to put a little blurb in at the bottom.  My bosses are now at the point of looking forward to them each month.  A little humour goes a long way.  MOSTLY.

For example, I might say "In the event of a true disaster, this phone list may be printed out on sheets of beef jerky."

Ha ha.  :

So the last one I sent out had a diagram of a paper angel attached to the email.  I said something like "in the event of an actual disaster, the attached mailing list can be used to decorate the Christmas tree in an emergency shelter.  Cut the phone list in th shape of the attached angel diagram, cut out a second phone list in the shape of your hands, cover in glitter, and glue the hands ("wings") to the back of the angel."

It was all good until one of the departmental secretaries didn't get the joke and complained behiind my back to my boss, who basically told her to get a life.

I confronted her afterwards and said "what was the big deal".  She was pissed about having to read through the whole thing (all two paragraphs the poor dear) and actually seemed to think I was seriously advocating her taking time to cut the angel out!  ;D

As always, humour is best practices in a trusting safe environment....

I say, good for Skippy - and I could read that list 100 times and not get tired of it.

 

[logau]

Its time for a jokes area! Here's my favorite

The para trooper's parachute fails and he's hurtling to earth. About which time he see's a big explosion on the ground   - then a camp stove and then a blackened soldier come up and fly past him

The paratrooper says - hey - you know how this reserve chute works?

The blackened soldier says - HEY! you know how to light a coleman stove?

HAW HAW - HAW HAW

Preston Manning   ;D

 

[Da_man]

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"


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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"


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The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."


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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"


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The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".



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A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"



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The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles."

"No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"


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The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

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This is Army policy all begins...

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

That's how Army policy begins...


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A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.

He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.

He threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.

Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, "Can I help you sergeant?"

The TSGT said, "Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines."

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Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Marine said "those are deer tracks."

The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks."

The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them

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When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.

"I am a sergeant!" he bellowed.

"I am a dope," whispered Reggie.


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A ranger outfit was having training in mountain climbing. One of the men slipped and began falling into a precipice.

"Are you hurt?" asked another.

"I don't know yet," a weak voice was heard, "am still falling!"

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The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."


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As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

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[shaboing]

http://www.jibjab.com/

i think a lot of people will get a good laugh outta this

 

[Scott]

True Story:

During the 60's in Germany a young Airman was on guard duty around the Starfighter with a nuclear bomb slung underneath. The Base Commander approached the young fellow and asked in a booming voice,
"Son, what would you do if I were to cross that line?"

The Airman replied, "Phone my Sergeant, sir!"

The General, frustrated, hollered, "Why in the name of God would you call your Sergeant?" Because the Airman was supposed to shoot him according to regulations.

The Airman smiled and said, "I'd call my Sergeant to come pick up your f*%@ing carcass, sir!"

This story was related to me by the late Carl "Duke" Sneider, RCAFP, served with my father.

Cheers!

 

[combat_medic]

Two infantryman walk past a bar...     

it could happen.

 

[logau]

A bad apple staggers in from the mess one night to see his irate wife waiting up for him. She gives him the 3rd degree and asks him what he would feel like if she just disappeared for a few days. "Well dear" he said, "If you have to you have to". Anyway he didn`t see her for a couple of days and then on the third day the swelling went down in his two black eyes and there she was!

 

[ags281]

Knowing how pilot humour goes, hopefully a few of these will be new to people here.


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
(note: clearly this one is either before modern times or is just BS)
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.   Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

(edited to reflect move from different area in forums)

 

[Inch]

Here's a few more for ya.

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.


In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."

"90 knots" Center replied.

"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."

"120 knots," Center answered.

"We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.'

"There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"

========================================

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft).
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

"The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared...

 

[Garry]

My personal Favourite: "American 643 Heavy, you have to key the mike, I can't see you nod your head".

Another: Air Canada 422 is cleared for the ILS Rwy 32. Number three on approach following Airbus your 12 o'clock for 2...lets make that 3 miles. (The absloute minimum separation allowed is 3 nautical miles on radar

I once talked a Herc right seater into waving to the kids doing an ATC tour....from 30 miles away.

From a new Controller in Greenwood, NS (who rarely sees fighters) "cleared the low approach not above 200 feet, not below 500 knots" (yes, he reversed the restriction !). Answer from pilot: "...uhhh, yessir!" ...and he delivered!

From one of my controllers during a heavy Maple Flag IFR recovery: Pilot: "...requesting the ILS approach 31R". Controller: "in case you didn't notice I'm not taking requests"

German F-4 75 miles out of Goose, my control: "Mayday Mayday Mayday, .....birdstrike". (Note: I HATE emergency's that happen so far out, the 15 minutes it takes to land gives the nosy folk too much time to phone me with stupid questions) .......Controller: "from Ops, they want to know where you hit the bird"
Pilot: tell them "in the tree" (!!!!)

From the ATC briefer, Maple Flag, to the pilots, during a Flag de-brief: "sorry guys, my fault for not briefing this before, but we do not roll inverted in the pattern here in Canada".

Cheers-Garry

 

[Spr.Earl]

can we cange this thread for GOOD jokes???    :dontpanic:

Well Frank you can go to small stores and ask for 100m of shore line or we have lost our bubble for the level and can I get a new one.

Or ask Ex Dragoon for a bucket of steam.

 

[Guardian]

Since we're on the really cheesy jokes...

__________________________________________________________________

A young second lieutenant arrives for his first posting, which as luck would have it, is NDHQ.

Feeling a little intimidated by the sheer number of maple leaves and stripes walking around, he resolves to act confident and self-assured. And so, as he walks out of an elevator, he notices a rather confused brigadier-general standing in front of a paper shredder with a sheet of paper stamped SECRET, scratching his head.

Thanking his lucky stars that his security clearance had come through just last week, the young officer walks up to the general and asks, "Sir, can I help you with that?"

"Blasted newfangled contraptions, son, I tell you... It was a lot simpler back when I was your age. If you could show me how to use this, I'd greatly appreciate it."

Excited at the prospect of impressing such a high-ranking officer, the lieutenant turned on the machine, took the sheet of paper and fed it expertly into the shredder.

The General then said, "Now, I only need four copies...."

__________________________________________________________________

 

[Coyote43D]

can we cange this thread for GOOD jokes???    :dontpanic:

Well Frank you can go to small stores and ask for 100m of shore line or we have lost our bubble for the level and can I get a new one.

Or ask Ex Dragoon for a bucket of steam.

Spr Earl,
don't forget the box of grid squares and the BFA for the Carl G