tourwife said:
Ok so I've been through this 3 times before but honestly haven't put that much thought into it before, however I've been hearing from a lot of wives lately that their time with their husbands on HLTA have been horrible due to constant arguing and such. My husband and I have had our share of problems in the past, but this time I just want it to be as comfortable and easy going as possible.
So from those that have been on tour before, or anyone else, what can I do to make his homecoming comfortable and enjoyable for the both us, and for the kids?
Stress and arguing in the home seems to be the norm during HLTAs whether it's a female coming home or a male. Typically the person coming back on HLTA requires down-time to de-compress from the rigours of theatre. I have never felt comfortable at home on HLTA due to feeling guilty about leaving my team-mates in-theatre to deal with everything while I took 'a break.' I have found that most of my co-workers felt the same. I absolutely hate it when 9er had my whole 'vacation' mapped out for me rather than just let me kick back and relax. Being military also, he didn't say the kids were mine for my 'vacation' as he knew damn well that I had probably been working harder than he had while I was deployed and understood this. I'm not saying that being at home alone with the kids in itself isn't stressful or hard, it is, I've been there as well. Just don't let the home go to rat-crap as that will stress the returning partner out even more. Although many of my subordinates reported the same kind of 'spouse dumped the kids on me for her 'break' occurances when they came back into theatre...which did nothing to make the situation any better.
I recommend getting a sitter for the kids for a few days so mom/dad can attend to each other first if in fact one is returning home on HLTA. Then bring the kids into the picture.
I myself, and my spouse, no longer return home for HLTAs, and choose to spend the full 6/7 months apart. We do this because we have found that it is less stressful on the kids, and thereby makes it easier on the parent who is home dealing with the schooling, car, and house etc. My kids tend to go into a seperation aniexty kick for the first week or so after either I or my husband departs on tour. When we returned home on leave, the kids had to go through it all over again when one of us returned to theatre, only worse this time because they understood that the tour was only half done and realized just how long 6/7 months could be.
Now, because we go off on our leave to someplace nice with the single folk/others like us, our kids need to adjust once to us leaving, and we get to kick back and relax fully on our time-out from theatre. We find that works best for our family at least.
Expect arguments upon the final return home as well. Re-adjustment is required and is the norm. I find the kids are used to his rules, which usually become more stringent when there is only one parent at home. I think his rules have become too stringent etc, and tend to spoil them/let them get away with almost anything etc for the first little while because 1) I missed them and 2) I don't want to hear him telling them what to do...I just want to kick back and relax. Same thing but opposite when he returns.
I think you'll be fine (and most usually are) as long as you keep the lines of communication open, and don't book his schedule for him. Let him adjust at his pace back into the daily life & routine.