First off, I'm a civilian who is in need of advice, don't know where to turn for help and thank you for allowing me to post my question. My son and his ex girlfriend have shared custody of their 13 year old child. The child's mother (who is in the Reserves) is now married to a man in the Armed Forces who has recently been advised that he is to be posted from Victoria to Quebec. Can anything be done to prevent the posting and thereby keep our son and his child together? Neither the stepfather or the child's mother want the posting to happen. Your reply is very much appreciated and again my thanks.
Stepchildren, and postings
- Thread starter Buffalot
- Start date
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Just to give you an example (and probably what you don't want to hear), I had shared custody of my daughter and my ex and I were both military and posted apart. Career managers will probably not take "extended" families into account when dealing with postings.
Just be thankful the child in question is old enough to fly alone. My daughter first did it when she was nine.
Just be thankful the child in question is old enough to fly alone. My daughter first did it when she was nine.
- Reaction score
- 2
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My 12 YO daughter and her Mom were posted OUTCAN for the last two years. Look into Travel Allowances as my Daughter was entitled to fly home (expenses etc) to visit me on LTA. I was also allowed to visit her annually on LTA as well. There are TONS of rules and a few hurdles that left me bewildered, but I got a GREAT trip last year and she has been home routinely.
I never argued their moving away as my daughter and her mom both have great comms with me and the distance is inconvenient, but very manageable.
They are posted closer (Twoprovinces away) this year so it will be good not to travel internationally.
I never argued their moving away as my daughter and her mom both have great comms with me and the distance is inconvenient, but very manageable.
They are posted closer (Twoprovinces away) this year so it will be good not to travel internationally.
- Reaction score
- 0
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- 210
The short answer is "no". The CF can barely cope with intact families, let alone ex-boy/girlfriends. The system will only engage and even consider altering its plan if there is a roadblock.
Is there a custody agreement? If no, there is nothing the CF can refer to in considering this case. If yes, who has primary custody, and does the agreement restrict where the primary custodian may relocate? If the mother is primary and the agreement does not restrict her geographically, then once again the CF has nothing to refer to. If the agreement does restrict her as to where she may live, she has a legal problem to consider as the CF will still likely post the member regardless. From the CF's perspective, a CF member married to a person who is legally unable to leave e.g. BC is useless to the CF as members must be mobile. The system will make this a personal problem and post the member regardless, and start an admin review if he objects to the posting.
Whether the mother/step father want the move to happen or not is irrelevant as the CF will post them regardless, so do not let this be an avenue of hope. The stepfather could try to seek social worker intervention to stop the posting and keep the larger family intact, but I doubt this will be effective as I am not reading anything about special needs, medical issues, etc, in your post. The sad truth is we have separated and blended CF families everywhere and the system does not cater to this. The system does not even keep intact families together with every posting.
I apologize if I am coming across as being harsh as it is not my intent. You have simply asked a loving question with the best intentions to an organization that sees people as capabilities vice individuals. I have seen this 101 times and it always goes in the favour of what the CF wants and needs. The old adage remains very true still today - if the CF wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one. Have a look at what I wrote above and see if there are any avenues for you.
Is there a custody agreement? If no, there is nothing the CF can refer to in considering this case. If yes, who has primary custody, and does the agreement restrict where the primary custodian may relocate? If the mother is primary and the agreement does not restrict her geographically, then once again the CF has nothing to refer to. If the agreement does restrict her as to where she may live, she has a legal problem to consider as the CF will still likely post the member regardless. From the CF's perspective, a CF member married to a person who is legally unable to leave e.g. BC is useless to the CF as members must be mobile. The system will make this a personal problem and post the member regardless, and start an admin review if he objects to the posting.
Whether the mother/step father want the move to happen or not is irrelevant as the CF will post them regardless, so do not let this be an avenue of hope. The stepfather could try to seek social worker intervention to stop the posting and keep the larger family intact, but I doubt this will be effective as I am not reading anything about special needs, medical issues, etc, in your post. The sad truth is we have separated and blended CF families everywhere and the system does not cater to this. The system does not even keep intact families together with every posting.
I apologize if I am coming across as being harsh as it is not my intent. You have simply asked a loving question with the best intentions to an organization that sees people as capabilities vice individuals. I have seen this 101 times and it always goes in the favour of what the CF wants and needs. The old adage remains very true still today - if the CF wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one. Have a look at what I wrote above and see if there are any avenues for you.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 60
Buffalot,
As others have detailed, there is really nothing to be done about the posting, absent compassionate grounds or career "re-evaluation" by the member.
Are your Grandchild's parents on good terms? It is of course less than ideal, but if they are, shared custody can be managed one way or another, generally with the child spending the summer in one location and the school year in the other.
If they are not on good terms (I wouldnt recommend pursuing the following if they are, but ultimately everyone should aim for what is best for the child,) this situation does represent a material change in circumstances that would justify judicial review of the custody arrangement. Assuming that the child has roots and extended family in his current community, it may well be best for him to remain there (and of course visit his mother in Quebec.)
I have stepchildren of my own, have seen both sides of this situation, and have tremendous sympathy for you as this posting situation affects you and your son deeply while remaining frustratingly beyond your influence or control. I truly hope you find a solution that works for everyone, but most of all for the 13 year old who is about to have his world rocked something fierce. His well being should be everyone's primary business in sorting this out.
As others have detailed, there is really nothing to be done about the posting, absent compassionate grounds or career "re-evaluation" by the member.
Are your Grandchild's parents on good terms? It is of course less than ideal, but if they are, shared custody can be managed one way or another, generally with the child spending the summer in one location and the school year in the other.
If they are not on good terms (I wouldnt recommend pursuing the following if they are, but ultimately everyone should aim for what is best for the child,) this situation does represent a material change in circumstances that would justify judicial review of the custody arrangement. Assuming that the child has roots and extended family in his current community, it may well be best for him to remain there (and of course visit his mother in Quebec.)
I have stepchildren of my own, have seen both sides of this situation, and have tremendous sympathy for you as this posting situation affects you and your son deeply while remaining frustratingly beyond your influence or control. I truly hope you find a solution that works for everyone, but most of all for the 13 year old who is about to have his world rocked something fierce. His well being should be everyone's primary business in sorting this out.
Thank you so much to everyone for their very kind and informative replies. I feel very selfish for writing as if I was the only person in the world this could be happening to and am somewhat ashamed when I read your replies and own personal experiences. Your responses have gone a long way to help educate our family and at the end of the day we have come to realize that it's time to "put the big girl panties on" and make the most of the next few months. It's certainly not going to be easy to say goodbye, but I take heart in the personal experiences and many suggestions you have passed my way. The time you took to write is very much noted and tremendously appreciated. Thank you.
