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Dumb things people say!

Bigmac

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Thought you could all use a good chuckle.

Sun, October 22, 2006


  Dumb things people say
By Gerry Forbes



Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay spent some time in the Doghouse of Commons this week, after apparently referring to ex-lover Belinda Stronach as a dog.

Pete denies the accusation and, personally, I don't know if Belinda should be referred to as a dog -- it might offend some dogs.

The comment brought to my mind people are capable of saying the dumbest things and I share some real-life quotes with you, as sent to me by loyal reader Heather Goode, from High River.


On Sept. 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995, despite the following exchange:
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."


Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign:

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."


Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.:
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."


U.S. presidential wannabe Hillary Clinton:
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."


And hubby Bill:
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."


Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark:
"Half this game is 90 percent mental."


Former U.S. vice-president (and apparently Internet inventor) Al Gore checks in with a couple:
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

And:

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."


Another former VP, Dan (Potatoes) Quayle:
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."


CFL/NFL quarterback and sports analyst, Joe Theismann:
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."


Calgary city council (I'm paraphrasing):
"No, you can't smoke outdoors. You have to smoke indoors. No, just a second, you can't smoke at all. No, wait, you can smoke if you have a smoking room, but nowhere else. Just a second, private clubs, yeah, you can smoke in private clubs. But nowhere else. And this time we mean it. Maybe."
 
"4 out of 3 people have a problem with fractions"

Unknown (possibly Al Gore)?
 
"The right turn is executed exactly the same as the left turn; but only different."

My drill instructor, 1988.

MM
 
Why ask Why Jokes

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we
are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the
unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

 
Bigmac said:
Why ask Why Jokes

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Slow up: Maritime dialect...mainly Newfineese.  Slow down: the rest of Canada  ;D

Of course I'm kidding.
 
Bigmac said:
Why ask Why Jokes

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we
are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the
unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

If Jimmie cracks corn and no one cares...... Why is there a song about it??????????????
 
When people say the grass is always greener on the other side, wouldn't that make your grass greener to someone else.
 
Nope, I think the greener grass is because it is over the septic tank.
 
My favourite lawyer/witness digs:

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."


Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."



 
niner domestic said:
My favourite lawyer/witness digs:

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

:rofl:
 
"Who da f*** ya tink ya talkink to! I dont got tree bananas anymore! I wear da f***ink crown now! You tink I know f*** nuttink, well I know f*** all!"

WO 'Kappy'  Calgary 1977
 
blackadder1916 said:
"Who da f*** ya tink ya talkink to! I dont got tree bananas anymore! I wear da f***ink crown now! You tink I know f*** nuttink, well I know f*** all!"

WO 'Kappy'  Calgary 1977

I think this is urban legend. I have heard that it was said by a VanDoo MWO at the Inf School, the SCWO at CFSCE and many other places. Funny though.
 
211RadOp said:
I think this is urban legend. I have heard that it was said by a VanDoo MWO at the Inf School, the SCWO at CFSCE and many other places. Funny though.
He said it, well, more like screamed it, into my left ear.  And Kappy is not Franco.  He's Polish.
 
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

That is so darn good!
I know it don't really sound funny but I heard something along the same line this morning. So it's making me chuckle at the moment.
 
"A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven." -- Jean Chretien

 
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize.
-anonymous

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen


 
Being as it is almost Halloween.....

"I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween."
Charles Swartz.
 
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